Chanukah                             

Dear Dr. T,

I have always loved Chanukah, especially the look on my children’s faces as they receive their gifts. However, the past few years, I have noticed a change. I find that my children get such an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that they lose their appreciation for each individual gift. I catch their eyes darting around looking for the next gift before the one in their hand is unwrapped. Sometimes they don’t even manage to eek out a ‘thanx’ before they turn to their next present. How can I help my children enjoy this special time without their becoming ungrateful, grabby, and whiny?

 How do we – children and adults – deal with the excesses of Chanuka: the too many parties, too much junk food, too many gifts! I find that this holiday is starting to lose its meaning, and that we are hard put to maintain any semblance of perspective or sanity. Your suggestions, please.

 Dr. T.,

I certainly share your concerns about the commercialization of this very special holiday. It is reflective of our sorry state of Golus that the minhag b’yisroel of ‘Chanukah Gelt’ has been transformed to reflect the December “Holiday Season”. Equally disappointing is that the victory of spirituality [the Torah] over materialism [as represented by the Greeks] has lead to such excesses during this period. However, this state of affairs is a topic for some other time.

 

The good news is that as parents there is quite a bit you can do in the long run –i.e., in your quest to instill sanity and values in your family. The bad news is that- in the short run- you may need to relax your standards and go with the flow.

Let’s dispense with the short run-the hard part- first. You probably will not be able to control the number of parties, gifts, or treats – not without earning your child’s undying resentment, that is. You may, however, be able to slow things down; perhaps, for instance, by encouraging the child to put some treats or gifts away for later when he might appreciate them more. Or, by being proactive and discussing each event beforehand with your child, you may gain his co-operation in preparing a sane plan. Such a plan might include the idea of eating a healthy meal before going to the party, or deciding to open only one gift each day of Chanuka. However, having the awareness that you are in an unpredictable, uncontrolled situation allows you to accept the inevitable with grace [one week of partying a year never killed anyone] and remind yourself that one week does not a whole childhood make. 

In the long run, after the gifts are shelved and treats devoured, a wise parent knows that his influence- his words, behavior, and value system- carries the most weight in his child’s mind and development. Though a child may exclaim wildly about some fabulous gift and rave about a party and the fun, the consistent messages of his parents is what he remembers in the years to come. So, de-emphasize the price, the glitter, comparisons and size, but emphasize the spiritual meaning of this holiday.

 Some families make a big deal out of lighting the Menorah, singing Ma’oz Tzur together, and playing Dreidle with their children. Others model chesed- the joy of giving, particularly to those in need. Whether it is including people who are less fortunate than ourselves, or remembering the elderly and infirm- there are many opportunities for chesed right here in our community. Probably most relevant for your concerns is to stress Hakaras Hatov [recognizing the good]- by both showing appreciation for a gift received and remembering our benefactors. Though that sweater from Aunt Gertrude is not quite what we had in mind, we can still value her giving and the message behind it. As parents, we do have the power to make a difference and give our children a gift that lasts – positive memories of Yom Tov with the family and a true understanding of Chanukah.

 A wise parent gets the drill and realizes that in the moment, it is always difficult to compete with the excitement and the partying. However, we can never underestimate the power of consistent messages that are modeled repeatedly until they are seared in the brain. Though the excesses are challenging, adopting the ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ attitude might allow you to get thru the week, and perhaps, even enjoy the festivities.

 In moderation….of course..