Dear Dr T,

 My wife and I come from a very similar background: one where children should  be ‘seen and not heard.’ Because of the negative effect  that this  child rearing method had on us, we are committed to bring up our children differently. We are grateful that we have BH been able to establish a home where our children have a voice and are eager to share with us.

 So, what’s the problem, you might ask? Well, the listening part is great, but, sometimes we get so invested in listening and trying to understand that we have difficulty setting limits. I think that as our children are maturing, they are ‘getting our number’ and at least 2 of them have become full-fledged drama queens, exploiting our desire to understand to get away with  just about everything.

 Can you help us continue to be understanding without abdicating our parental role?

 Dr T,

 First off, my compliments to you and your wife for  making a choice that works for you and your family. Though to many a person breaking the bonds of tradition feels like a violation of time-honored ways, the truth is that just as different folks need different strokes, times change and may require an attitude adjustment on our part. It is important to note that this is simply the way of the world and implies no criticism or blame of the previous generations who had their own trials and context. A common example of this is our discontinuance of the practice of forcing a left-handed child to become right-handed, or our current emphasis on self-esteem, an unheard of consideration in previous times.

 Historically, we often find that the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, as noted above. It seems to me that this is exactly what is occurring in your family. You are leaving the land of blind obedience  where ignoring the child’s feelings and perceptions was the norm. You are moving to the place where understanding your child is de riguer. The difficulty you are experiencing is that the pendulum- in its effort to self correct- is moving too far, and you are overstanding your child.

 You won’t find the word overstanding in Websters’ very latest edition, but, here is what it means: overstanding is when the degree of understanding is way overboard. It is over-identifying with your child’s feelings – to the point where you lose clarity. It’s when you get caught in the understanding and are paralyzed by this understanding. It’s when the boundary between child and parent is porous and you actually feel that you are the child in pain. It’s when you are stuck in the overstanding and forget that you have a mandate not only to understand but also to parent. It’s a place we all visit sometimes, but, we sure don’t want to live there.

 Let me try to clarify. Empathy, the quality of feeling what it’s like for our child, is critical in a healthy parent-child relationship. It tells the child that we understand who he is, what he is about, what he likes and dislikes – in short, his internal world. It’s a way of showing that we value his struggles and experiences and what they mean to him.

 But, empathy falls short of  living the child’s life for him, or even solving his problems. While we feel for the child, he is the author of his own story and must write it himself, chapter by chapter. By overstanding,  we infringe on this process, sometimes by editing – but, sometimes by actually writing the script for him. Our goal is to be as empathic as we can – provide encouragement and support-  and guide our children to make good choices. But, as adults, we are capable of seeing the big picture, not just the flash of the camera, and we understand that our child’s facing his many challenges is what creates character.

 What follows are two different examples where a parent, with the best of intentions,  falls into the trap of overstanding.

 Eight year old Simi is having a hard time: her Mom just had a new baby, her best friend moved out of town, and she ‘hates’ her morah. She often expresses her discomfort by picking on her nine year old sister Dani – calling her names, ripping up her stuff, and intruding on her guests. Mom knows what Simi is going through and wishes desperately that she knew how to help her or make it all go away. In the meantime, she refrains from setting limits or consequences and even tells Dani to just ignore Simi because ‘she’s having a hard time.’  Because Mom ‘overstands’  Simi, she permit her unacceptable behavior – which, by the way, does not make Simi feel any better,  help her deal with her challenge, or prepare her for adulthood..

 Russie, a high school student, is having an issue with her Navi teacher. Russie has been close to tears over this, finds every excuse to miss class, and is refusing to do her assignments. Russie has always been a ‘good girl’ – a fine student who does not make any trouble. The truth is – as Mom sees it – that she is kind of passive and does not communicate well. Mom remembers being like that in high school and she really ‘overstands’ how uncomfortable this situation is for her daughter. So, instead of coaching her in how to approach the teacher, or at most accompannying her – she calls up the teacher and has it out with her instead. Though Mom may have solved the issue, she has also deprived her daughter of the opportunity to work things out on her own  and feel the satisfaction that conflict resolution brings. It is also conceivable that she even made her daughter feel like a  ‘loser.’

 We all, no doubt, want the best for our children. May our efforts to understand - but not overstand - our children merit us the zchus to see our children grow into healthy, productive adults.

Reprinted from Binah Magazine.