(See previous post for context.)

At the end of the tour, the blind guide made an offer: Ask me any question you want. Hold nothing back. Nothing is off the table.

I had a question, but I held back. Until the very end.

Until we came into the light, slowly at first, and adjusting to the brightness I set my eyes on our guide for the first time.

He looked as he sounded: Peaceful. Old. Wise. And I asked my question:

How do you stay positive? How did you learn to accept your situation?

“What else is there? How else should I feel?”

I found this hard to understand. What do you mean? What about self-pity, anger, despair?

“Why should I feel that way? What good would it do for me? I choose to look at the positive. My life is so good. I’m doing everything I want!”

I wrote his words down so I wouldn’t forget them.

When faced with difficult circumstances, we may feel sorry for ourselves. We may ask “Why me?” We can descend into that dark, lonely place, that dungeon called self-pity.

In that prison, no one can free us. No cheering up will lift our spirits. No happy event can turn our mood. It’s as if a spoon of poison is dropped in a well of water: even a clear refreshing cup spells death.

But there is an antidote.

In that prison, no one can free us but ourselves. We can lift our own spirits. We can choose to allow a happy event to turn our mood. No one can do this for us. In fact, if we rely on others to pull us out it may have the opposite effect.

I have known many people, blind or sighted, who have descended into that dark place of self-pity. It’s not pretty. And no one wants to hear that they can begin to lift themselves out of it by only choosing to do so.

Self-pity is familiar, even comfortable. But choice is the antidote. It takes a great deal of courage to rise from that swamp, to begin to do the work of finding and choosing the positive, and so to leave self-pity behind.  

Of course, if we need help we can seek a therapist knowledgeable in these areas. But know that while the therapist will assist you, the work truly is your own. Freedom from self-pity is ours for the taking.

Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com. 

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