“One year of sobriety? That’s amazing! Congratulations!” He doesn’t have the strength to tell them that he’s been drinking every weekend.

She’s finally at the party, the music and lights throbbing. She can forget about the pain of living at home. No one has to know about it. That life doesn’t exist here.

He works extra hours every day, works weekends for free. Family and friends are puzzled and frustrated. Only the guilt of his years of padding his expense account keeps him going.

Why do we hold on to our secrets? Why can’t we share them with others?

Those old culprits shame, guilt, and fear are at play once again. They tell us that we’re better off dealing with our problems alone, that our sins are too great to be understood by others, that if we share our shame we will be rejected and will be alone.

And we fulfill our own prophecy by remaining alone and misunderstood.

What we need to understand is that lying is a defense. It serves to protect us from danger. Early on, we may have learned that it wasn’t safe to be honest. And so lying or withholding information kept us safe.

I think of old defenses like teddy bears. They were really cozy and comforting when we were young. But they have outlived their usefulness when we carry them around with us as adults!

What are the benefits of opening up and sharing our secrets? This may be obvious, but it’s worth stating: With honesty and openness, we open ourselves up to the possibility of love and acceptance, to the possibility of healing, and to the relief of a burden that we’ve carried around for so long.

Of course, this is easier said than done. The difficulty is in the doing. But relief is just a moment away. Find a friend or family member who is loving and accepting, ask for some time, and get the support you need.

If sharing your burdens with a friend or family member seems to difficult to do, then seek out a therapist. Therapists can listen non-judgmentally, and can offer helpful feedback if you want it. Either way, a therapist’s office is a safe and supportive place to begin the journey of letting your true self be known.

Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com. 

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