It’s not fashionable to discuss stereotypical differences between how the genders process and express emotions, because it can lead to dismissing or mocking feminine emotionality. However, in truth there is no shame in having strong and intense experience of emotions, and it offers advantages in terms of the ability to be intuitive and nurturing. There is an interesting Rashash that discusses these gender differences to explain a halakhic difference between how we restrict men and women during mourning.

The Gemara on amud aleph considers that when a woman is in aveilus, the restrictions against intimate acts are less stringent because she is less likely to be tempted than him, and even if he is aroused, she would resist having intercourse due to her sense of propriety and distress.  However, if the man is in mourning, there are more extensive restrictions in place against even mild intimate acts lest he become aroused.

The Rashash comments as follows:

Perhaps because women have softer hearts, they are more affected than men and feel greater distress over painful incidents, as experience and the scripture attest.  And I believe this is what the verse means when it states (Bereishis 3:16): “I will greatly increase your travails and labor pains.”  The travails and suffering experienced will be magnified.

While such assertions can be used to mock and minimize feminine emotions, I do not think this is the proper perspective. Women who enter heightened emotional states such as during pregnancy or PMS are not “crazy”.  Instead they are receiving data from other sources, and are prioritizing matters differently based on these perceptions and experiences.  They are not necessarily false, and in fact might even be more accurate.  Think of looking at something through a magnifying glass.  On the one hand, it is an altered perception.  On the other hand, this altered perception allows for focus on some detail or matter that might be crucial. When instincts and emotions are enhanced, needs for security, attachment, connection and other instinctive concerns enter into the forefront.  Fears of relationship stability and loss are enhanced.  Yes, it might lead to quarrels and irritability or seemingly irrational needs, but in fact they also may come from being able to intuit certain truths that are less noticed in other mental and emotional states. If you disregard or dismiss these instincts you might indeed be met with hostility, since instincts have an animal-like power to them and don’t take kindly to be suppressed.

Indeed, God Himself behaves in a similar fashion in regard to the righteous.  Their every flaw is heightened and brought into focus. We are taught that the Holy One Blessed be He is exacting with the righteous to a hair’s breadth (Bava Kamma 50a).  This is because in any intimate relationship, the closer you are, the greater the stakes and requirements for attachment and loyalty.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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