On Amud Aleph, the Gemara discusses a fascinating story about a man who was stricken with lovesickness. The physicians assessed that if he was unable to requite his love, he would die. Much ink has been spilled analyzing the nuanced and multifaceted ways in which the rabbis responded to this person’s situation. For our discussion, we will focus on one particular segment. While there are different accounts of the story, one account suggests that the woman was single. If she was single and available, the Gemara asks:

“But if the woman was unmarried, let the man marry her.” The Gemara answers: “His mind would not have been eased by marriage, in accordance with the statement of Rabbi Yitzḥak. As Rabbi Yitzḥak says: Since the day the Temple was destroyed, sexual pleasure was taken away from those who engage in permitted intercourse and given to transgressors, as it is stated: ‘Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant’” (Proverbs 9:17). Therefore, the man could have been cured only by engaging in illicit sexual interaction.

This passage presents a scriptural difficulty. While it is easy to understand the psychology of the desire for the forbidden, and the quote from Mishlei is apt, there is a problem. If sexual pleasure was lost from permitted relationships after the destruction of the Temple, how does the verse from Mishlei apply? The simple reading of the verse is not a prophecy, but rather a general observation of human nature, not tied to the destruction of the Temple.

Although not the simple reading of the text, Maris Ayin actually suggests that the verse is prophetic, which is why the verb construct in Hebrew is “Yimtaku” (will be sweet), implying a future time when it will become sweeter. However, the simple answer (as seen in the Ben Yehoyada and Maharsha) is that the forbidden is inherently more pleasurable. In pre-exile times, relationships had their own kind of pleasure and zest, as the Jewish people were not in exile and experienced political, personal, religious, and psychological autonomy. The ability to enjoy life was different prior to the destruction of the Temple than it was afterward. The pleasure in sin remains constant; it is simply that the pleasure in permitted relationships was relatively satisfying, making the temptation of sin less compelling.

This Gemara prompts us to consider the nature of pleasure, gratification, and desire. I believe there are different forms of passion. It would be naïve and grossly underestimating the power and fascination of sexuality to claim that there is not a distinct pleasure for some people, at times, when engaging in promiscuous or random sex (not that I am condoning it). However, that is not the whole picture. There is something deeply passionate and meaningful when a couple who have known each other for years is able to be vulnerable and loving toward each other. In these moments, the feeling of ecstasy and bonding is intense in its own way. 

Moreover, there is a sense of security, acceptance, and attachment that cannot be achieved through superficial or largely physical affairs. Such affairs often follow symbolic psychological scripts for attachment needs but can never be fully gratified because they are empty gestures. The initial lust and feeling of being desired by the other person can be likened to emotional “Diet Coke”—momentarily filling but without true nutritional value. Feeling seen, valued, and loved comes from emotional risk-taking and consistent, long-term bonding. This is the sexual pleasure of the Temple—a connection born from maturity, wisdom, and love. It has its own passion and power, distinct but no less intense, and perhaps even more so. How do you compare junk food, like ice cream and cookies, to a gourmet meal? Both taste good, but in different ways. The former cheap and quick, but is bad for your health and often leaves you feeling sick afterward, while the latter nourishes and satisfies in a more lasting, fulfilling way.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families as well male sexual health. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com