Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses an interesting scenario of the Mamzer Veshasak, which means that a person is accused of being a mamzer, but does not object.  This can be seen as an indicator of admission.  However, in apparent contradiction to this,  the Gemara in Kiddushin (71b) tells us:

When two people quarrel with each other, observe which of them becomes silent first. We can assume the silent party is of finer lineage and meyuchas.

How do we reconcile the two teachings?  Our Gemara’s case is when there is an option to fight back in Beis Din and defend one’s honor, while the Gemara in KIddushin is talking about other quarrels, not lineage.  Furthermore, Beis Yosef (EH 2:11) quotes the Ra’avad who says that in our times, where Beis Din no longer prosecutes for that kind of character defamation, in any case the finer middah is to remain silent and avoid strife. Beis Yosef also quotes Ramban and Rashbah who say that our Gemara is referring to a situation where there are other rumors and grounds to suspect his lineage.  In such a case he must protest, otherwise his silence is tantamount to admission.

We can extrapolate from the above that it is indeed a sign of refinement to remain silent and avoid quarrel, even when you are being defamed.  However, there are limits. If you believe that you can protect your reputation, then you have the right to speak up and protect your honor.  It is also worth noting that Chofetz Chaim Shemiras Halashon (Lavin 8, Be’er Mayim Chayim 4) discusses the idea of verbal self-defense.  Even though it is admirable and an extra-piety to remain silent when being attacked, it is not a violation of hurtful speech (ona’as devarim) to respond to your attacker in kind — it is verbal self defense and permitted.

However, be forewarned, as we discussed in yesteday’s Psychology of the Daf, not everything that is permitted is wise. Much of the time, especially in intimate relationships, if someone is raging at you, it is best to show empathy and compassion.  Not the patronizing pedantic kind, but the genuine kind, such as, “Hey, I understand that what I did or whatever is happening has driven you a bit mad…You can have a “Get out of Jail Free Card” and lose it a bit without me retaliating.”  That is not to say you enable this behavior.  Rather you simply show empathy and concern until the person is calmer, and then you bring up the issue and and how thew way you were spoken to was hurtful to you. As it states in Avos (4:18), “Do not try to appease your friend when he is in a rage.”  

As with most relationship skills, it takes wisdom, humility, empathy, trust and self-regulation to know when to say, and what to say.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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