Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are.
I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess.
Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor.
My own agenda for world domination begins with education.
I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learning how to read, analyze knowledge, think for themselves, and work toward competence and self-sufficiency.
As everyone knows, we greedy Jews are obsessed with accruing money for charity- we funnel money toward nonprofit causes the world over, even those that don’t directly help our own people, because we are just so mercenary.
We spend obscene amounts of time, money, and mental energy on medical research, bio-engineering, curing and preventing illness, and advancing hospital technology to save more lives. Sickening, I know.
We have an insane preoccupation with advocacy. We manipulate societal sympathies towards other minority groups, in order to curry their favor, and win them over, in the sinister interests of equality and civil rights. So sneaky.
We have infiltrated the entertainment industry, tainting your media with our strategic comedy and drama, as a clever distraction from our true agenda (survival.)
We have also disproportionately influenced the evolving liberal arts and soft sciences like literature, spirituality, psychology, motivation, and inspiration- cleverly inciting a harmful zeitgeist of progress and self-improvement.
After unspeakable genocide and torture in Europe, we spent years violently rioting destructively in the streets in retaliation… oh no, wait- actually, we emigrated to friendlier soil to heal and rebuild psychologically and economically.
The evil plan since then has been to nurture the pursuit education and hard work to contribute to our host countries, adding value and prosperity. The corruption of this all.
In the final stage of my Jewish conspiracy, I intend to cook up a huge, simmering vat of matzah ball soup, while cackling the hava nagila, and ship 7.5 billion containers of it out to y’all, cuz that stuff can fix anything. We Jews are so freakin scary.
Oh, and btw? Anyone who wants to can be “the true Hebrews.” We don’t proselytize but sincere converts are always welcomed- it’s literally a Biblical command for us to be inclusive - before it was trending. Or you could not convert, and just call yourself a true Hebrew, but without the vitriol. We really don’t care. We just wanna not be killed, beat up, and hate-speeched on, m’kay?
So, anyone who wants to join in this master plan to dominate the world with love, wisdom, freedom, peace, prosperity, and goodness, feel free to hop along for the ride- there’s plenty of room.
Bagels and lox optional.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com