Our Gemara (Amud Aleph) recounts the tragic martyrdom of Rabbi Chanina ben Tradyon at the hands of the Romans, who punished him for teaching Torah in public. Shockingly, not only was he executed, but his wife was also condemned to death. The Gemara seeks a reason and answers: because she did not protest her husband’s behavior.
What was his offense? The Gemara suggests that the issue was not halakhic, but mystical—some inappropriate use or articulation of God’s ineffable Name (see commentaries).
This raises a disturbing question. How could Rabbi Chanina ben Tradyon’s wife been expected to correct her husband about a mystical manner? Somehow she was a mekubeles, able to criticize his opinions on esoteric mysteries?
This teaches us that in a good marriage, partners are spiritual mirrors and moral barometers for each other. Even if one spouse is far more learned or accomplished, each has insight into the other’s intentions and blind spots. Sometimes, a gentle “Are you sure?” or “Is this really l’shem Shamayim?” is exactly what is needed.
When we are too caught up in our ideals or spiritual ambitions, our spouse sees our humanity—and that’s not a downgrade, but a gift. Rabbi Chanina’s wife may not have been able to dispute his kabbalistic method, but she could have expressed concern about tone, hubris (obviously a subtle tone that only a great man can be held accountable for), or the risks involved. Her silence was taken as complicity.
Modern psychological research supports this idea. Dr. John Gottman found that one of the strongest predictors of a healthy marriage is a husband’s willingness to accept influence from his wife. This doesn’t mean submitting or agreeing blindly, but being open to hearing, considering, and sometimes adjusting based on her input. Emotional rigidity—what Gottman calls “stonewalling”—is lethal to intimacy and trust.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com