Dear Therapist:

I teach 10th grade and have a student who is a sweet, good boy, but struggles with learning.

The challenge is that he is very inflexible. Once he makes up his mind, he will not change it, even when it is clearly not working. It is almost impossible to reason with him, and any attempt to talk it through turns into a shutdown or argument.

Is this part of his personality or his struggles? And how can I work with him without it becoming a constant power struggle?

Response:

There are a number of reasons that someone might be inflexible. Often, this can be related to perfectionism. Generally, perfectionism stems from a fear of being wrong. That fear, in turn, may come from the sense that in order to be “okay” (read: normal; good), one must be right all the time.

Low self-esteem often lies at the root of perfectionism. When a person does not feel good about themselves, they naturally seek ways to improve how they feel. Problems arise when that positive sense of self becomes overly dependent on one particular factor.

Although true self-esteem should be intrinsically based, most of us do not fully achieve this. For the most part, we base our feelings toward ourselves on external factors. We “like” ourselves because of our achievements, appearance, possessions, families, or capabilities. Although this is not ideal, many people function reasonably well this way because they have multiple areas from which to derive self-worth.

When someone bases their self-esteem almost entirely on one aspect of life, however, it can become a vicious cycle. They feel compelled to improve constantly in that one area, which causes them to become increasingly fixated on it—making it harder to appreciate other qualities in themselves. This single-mindedness reinforces their dependence on the very trait that has already become disproportionately important to them.

I do not know whether your student is a perfectionist. If he is, that may help explain why he struggles so much with the possibility of being wrong. Understanding the possible cause of his inflexibility can help you approach him in a way that does not directly challenge the emotional needs or defenses driving his behavior.

Regardless of the precise reason for his inflexibility, your student clearly struggles to acknowledge when he may be mistaken. If you can challenge his inaccuracies without making him feel directly challenged, he may become more receptive. For example, guiding him toward an alternative explanation—rather than simply giving it to him—may feel less threatening. Similarly, asking what he thinks of another perspective instead of directly contradicting him may be easier for him to tolerate. Hopefully, over time, this can help him gradually loosen his need to cling so tightly to his original assumptions.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200