Daf Yomi, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology
Our Gemara on Amud Aleph relates an interesting response that Rav gave to explain why he did not ask a particular halachic question of his sagely uncle, Rav Chiyya: “I did not feel sufficiently intimate with my beloved uncle, Rabbi Ḥiyya, such that I could ask him that question.”
This is puzzling because the actual subject matter, involving a detail about ritual slaughter, does not seem particularly esoteric. Furthermore, both Rav and Rav Chiyya would seem to be not behaving in accordance with the directive in Pirke Avos (2:5): “Someone who is too ashamed (to ask) will not learn nor will an overly demanding person be able to teach.”
There is an exception to this principle, first directly articulated by the Rambam but codified by Shulchan Aruch (YD 246:11) as follows:
“A student should not be embarrassed before his fellow students who learned the material the first or second time when he did not learn it even after many times, for if he is embarrassed because of this, he will be found entering and exiting the study hall without having learned anything. Therefore, the Sages said, ‘The bashful one cannot learn, nor can the impatient one teach.’
“What are these things referring to? When the students did not understand the matter because of its depth or because their understanding is limited. But if it is apparent to the rabbi that they are negligent in the words of Torah and are lax about them, and therefore they do not understand, he is obligated to be angry with them and to shame them with words in order to sharpen them. Regarding this, the Sages said, ‘Throw gall (cast fear or dread) at the students.’”
This is based on a different teaching, from Gemara Kesuvos (103b):
“Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to Rabban Gamliel: My son, conduct your term as Nasi with assertiveness and throw gall (cast fear or dread) at the students.”
The challenge with our Gemara is that we have little evidence that Rav was intellectually lazy nor that Rav Chiyya thought that. We must answer that this was a personal high standard that Rav held himself to, and may also have believed that his uncle did as well. Though he did not know the answer, and we can be sure he tried, he felt he did not try hard enough and his uncle would think the same.
This is an important fifth Shulchan Aruch aspect of the student teacher relationship. The goal is always the same: to teach and learn Torah with excellence. The means to achieve vary from teacher to student, culture, and perhaps even the age of both parties.
Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik was known to be harsh and demanding on his students, having little tolerance for foolishness and those whose mouth emitted it. Yet some biographers assert that in the mid-1960s, after his personal battle with cancer, he became softer and more patient. (https://etzion.org.il/en/philosophy/great-thinkers/rav-soloveitchik/life-and-thought-rav-soloveitchik-2)
In the end, different personalities make the world go around, and even though kindness and patience would seem to be a universal, it’s not as simple as it seems. Fear of authority, fear of heaven and appropriate gravity are a necessary part of the wisdom acquisition process, for both the student and the teacher. It’s all a matter of degree. The Hebrew word for character traits is Middos, which actually means “measures.” This is significant because it’s never about never. Instead it’s about how much or how little.
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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com