Daf Yomi, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology
In our Gemara on Amud Beis Rabbi Yochanan instructs Rav Shaman Bar Abba that though a particular food is permitted he should still refrain from eating it, quoting the end of the verse in Mishle (1:8), “And do not abandon the Torah of your mother.”
What did Rabbi Yochanan mean by Torah of your mother? Rashi interprets this as his custom minhag. Since he had a custom to be stringent and not eat this meat, Rabbi Yochanan said he should honor that, even though it was permitted. Rabbenu Gershom interprets “Torah of your mother” as the rabbinic enactments. In this case, Rabbi Yochanan was instructing Rav Shaman Bar Abba to abide by the enactments made by his local rabbinic authorities.
The full verse reads as “Hear my son the (musar) discipline (moral instruction) of your father and do not cast aside the Torah of your mother.” Torah here can literally mean Torah or mean instruction and guidance. The simple reading of the verse is take discipline from your father, such as correction and rebuke, while also take guidance and instruction from your mother. The construct of the verse is that the father stands for moral instruction, focusing on refraining from wrongdoing and/or rectifying transgressions, while the mother offers guidance regarding what should be done, possibly including practical wisdom and advice (see Ibn Ezra ibid).
After this analysis, we can see the connection between “Torah of your mother” and custom or rabbinic enactments. Similar to practical wisdom and advice, customs or rabbinic laws are intended to direct a person toward positive behaviors that are less about abstaining from prohibitions and more about behaving proactively.
On a deeper level, a person’s instructions from his father and mother are more meaningful because they are more specifically tuned in to the capacities and inclinations of the child. Kedushas Levi (Lech Lecha) says that every child contains aspects of their mother and father’s soul.
Tiferes Yosef (Likkutim, Shas, Succah) offers a remarkable idea. A father represents the aspirations for his child, pushing long term achievement and sacrifice, regardless of short term discomforts. However, the mother is focused on comfort and soothing for the child, and represents self-care. The verse exhorts that a person has to balance both imperatives. He must be relentless and make painful sacrifices for a higher purpose. While this is ideal, a person cannot always operate this way and must make concessions for human frailty and personal care. According to Tiferes Yosef, this is the guidance of the verse: Listen to your father’s discipline and strive for devotion to the highest degree, but do not abandon your mother’s guidance, meaning to say, do not completely discount the need for taking care of yourself.
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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com