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Sara Teichman, PsyD A proactive approach to chinuch habonim based on understanding and respect.
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Getting an "A"
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 18th, 2018

                                           Dear Dr. T., My daughter is bright and gets all A’s. That’s right – A’s, not A minuses. She will literally stay up all night to make sure she gets that A. She memorizes everything – even stuff that is basically trivial [history of Indian tribes in New York anyone?]- …
Pesach Crush
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 1st, 2019

Dear Dr. T.,  I have always loved Pesach- as a young girl and as a Mom of little ones and teens. But, the last few yom tovim have been trying, to say the least, and I wonder if you could help.  You see- most of my children are ‘young-marrieds’ with a few children each. Because they live in out of town kollelim, they all want to come home for the seder and be with family.  So, what’s the problem? Well, though my ch …
I Have To Stop!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 25th, 2017

Dear Dr T, Like many women of her generation, my mother was a ‘screamer.’ Though she was a very good person who had no intent to harm, it was like she was on automatic pilot. Whatever the issue – small or big – my Mom used yelling as the first line of defense. Though I survived very nicely – thank you very much- I resolved to leave yelling out of my arsenal. I have been BH by and large successful, yet I still do yell …
Mesorah
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 25th, 2021

                                                                                                   Mesorah Dear Dr T, I am writing this letter in …
Cliques
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 29th, 2020

                        Dear Dr. T., I recently heard someone say, “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child” – and that really hit home for me. You see, my daughter just started high school – a big school, in a big city- and she is miserable. So am I. The work is ok [“It’s school! It’s boring!], the teachers are more-or-less fine -as …
The Challenge of Yom Tov: Family Politics
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 5th, 2017

 Dear Dr. T.,  I have always loved Pesach- as a young girl and as a Mom of little ones and teens. But, the last few yom tovim have been trying, to say the least, and I wonder if you could help.  You see- most of my children are ‘young-marrieds’ with a few children each. Because they live in out of town kollelim, they all want to come home for the seder and be with family.  So, what’s the problem? Well, though …
School Success
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 19th, 2018

                                                                     School Success
 
Dear Dr. T,
 
With the advent of this new school year, I am more determined than ever to help my children – grades 2 thru 10- do the very best they can i …
Recess?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 22nd, 2019

                                                   Binah #231- Recess   Dear Dr. T.,  We are looking into yeshiva for our first son [he has three older sisters] in our large metropolita …
Why Did You.....
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 24th, 2021

   Dear Dr. T.,  What’s the best way to correct my children? They are reasonably well- behaved [mostly], all different ages- but everyone needs some guidance and discipline, don’t they?  I am an avid reader of parenting materials and listen to many parenting lectures as well, so I know that punishment and yelling and screaming are counterproductive. But what’s wrong with criticism when needed? Can’t I t …
What Would You Do?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 2nd, 2021

      Dear Dr T., I have a problem with my two and a half year old. He is always hurting his one year old brother. Even if I am playing with them both, the older one may just take a toy and throw it at the baby. I am writing to you as a last resort though I don’t know if you can help me. I certainly have asked many people – parents, siblings, friends, and even a rebbitzen in my community. People say all kind of things: …
School Days
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 31st, 2017

Dear Dr T., School is starting! This year, I would like to make my son’s learning a real priority. But, how do I convince my fifth grade son to do his very best in school? He is an easy-going kid and he takes advantage of the fact that because of our many community obligations we are not always around to help with his homework. He seems content with being a B+ student, though we have been told by the rebbeim that he can do better. We have t …
The Good Old Days
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 31st, 2020

                                       The Good Old Days Do you long for the good old days? Where children were seen but not heard, where chutzpah was kept at a minimum, when children did as they were told? How very different were we from the children of today …
Disciplining Moishy
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 4th, 2019

Dear Dr T., My Moishy is driving me crazy! He’s eight and cute and full of life – but he doesn’t listen to a word I say. It goes like this: “Moishy, get ready for bed.” [X3] “Moishy, get ready for bed!” [really loud voice] “Moishy, get ready for bed or you won’t get Shabbos party this week. [no response] “Moishy, get ready for bed!!!!! [Lock the door from outside so he can’t come o …
What Should I Do?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 6th, 2017

Dear Dr T., I have a problem with my two and a half year old. He is always hurting his one-year-old brother. Even if I am playing with them both, the older one may just take a toy and throw it at the baby. I am writing to you as a last resort though I don’t know if you can help me. I certainly have asked many people – parents, siblings, friends, and even a rebbitzen in my community. People say all kind of things: from just looking awa …
Chanukah
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 11th, 2017

Chanukah                              Dear Dr. T, I have always loved Chanukah, especially the look on my children’s faces as they receive their gifts. However, the past few years, I have noticed a change. I find that my children get such an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that they lose their appreciation for each individual gift. I catch their eyes darting aro …
The Comfort Zone
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 11th, 2021

      Dear Dr. T., The subject of your last column just blew me away. You wrote about a daughter who has trouble saying ‘no’ and is mevater even at a cost to herself. When I look around today, I don’t see many girls like that. What I do see is girls who do many good things- like drive for bikur cholim or visit the elderly- but on their own terms. Maybe I am old fashioned, but the concept of putting other need …
Gimme
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 15th, 2018

 Dear Dr. T.,   “I need…”   “Mom please…”   “I want…”   “Get me…” That’s about all that I hear from my eleven year old daughter. I wasn’t born yesterday and I do understand about peer pressure. I know that kids have more ‘stuff’ today than we did, but what bothers me is that she never seems happy: she is always looking forw …
Right vs Loved?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 29th, 2020

                                                                       Right vs Loved  Dear Dr.T.,  My eleven your old daughter really has a hard time getting along with others – whether family,  neighborhood, or school. We spend a lot of time talki …
Hoarding
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 31st, 2019

Dear Dr. T., I have a sweet, adorable five-year-old daughter who is perfect in every way. Well- almost perfect. She has this peculiar habit of saving stuff that is so out of character for her. You see, each of my kids has a ‘junk drawer’ where they keep all their treasures. Most of the children save stuff like school projects, prizes, coins, anything special. I hardly ever go into the drawers and really don’t care what the kids …
Why are my kids so unhappy?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 12th, 2021

  Dear Dr. T.,  It hit me last week when I was at a family gathering. What I saw is that the cousins ate, played games, chatted up the adults, and got hyper. But here’s what I also saw: my pre-teen children clung to me, my little ones kvetched about the food, and two children begged to go home — now!  What strikes me is that my children are just not happy. Whether at home, or school, they see the negative parts, are rel …
intrinsic vs extrinsic
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 15th, 2022

                        Dear Dr. T., I remember reading in your column a few months ago about a teenager who would kill for an “A.” Well, my daughter is seven and doesn’t care yet about grades, but she will do just about anything – as long as she gets a reward.  So, if she eats her dinner – even her very favorite one – she must get her prize- …
The Mean Girls
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 17th, 2017

 Dear Dr T.,   I was a very successful junior high Morah/mechaneches in a prestigious in town school. And, every year, mothers would come and complain about the mean girls who were bothering their daughters – excluding them, mocking and/or teasing, and generally making their lives miserable. The thing is – that the girls they accused were often the products of the finest homes, models of derech eretz, or just all-around …
Overstanding Your Child
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 23rd, 2017

Dear Dr T,  My wife and I come from a very similar background: one where children should  be ‘seen and not heard.’ Because of the negative effect  that this  child rearing method had on us, we are committed to bring up our children differently. We are grateful that we have BH been able to establish a home where our children have a voice and are eager to share with us.  So, what’s the problem, you might a …
The Overweight Child
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 24th, 2020

                                                       The Overweight Child

Dear Dr.T., I try to run a healthy - within reason- home-  with nutritious, balanced meals and no sweets except on shabbos+ special occasions.

 My 7 year old daughter is obsessed by food- she eats quick …
Tantrums in the Store
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 6th, 2019

                                          Dear Dr. T.,  I’m not thinking my problem is so unusual- but, it sure is embarrassing! Whenever I take either of my two children [ages 4 ½ and 3] shopping, they inevitably start a commotion- grabbing stuff they want, tantruming- in general, behaving in a totally inappropriate way. Whe …
Purim Woes
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 7th, 2018

Dear Dr T, Last Purim, I felt really bad for my fourteen year old daughter and I would like to help her this year. Somehow, she got very caught up with the misloach manos. She was frantic about making the right thing for her friends- an original theme, fancy stuff- you get the picture. Then, she was disappointed and out of joint all day because she felt that she didn’t get as many baskets as her friends or siblings. It didn’t seem to …
My Child's a Thief
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 16th, 2018

  Dear Dr. T., I would never believe that this could happen to me. My 10-year-old daughter has been caught stealing money at school.  Some background: We are a typical, large family in the community. We are very careful in matters of character, and I would never expect such outrageous behavior. In fact, we have never had any problems with this child before. She is our middle child, quiet and well-mannered. Though she obviously understan …
"You're Not Listening!"
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 17th, 2022

                                                Dear Dr. T., My ten-year-old daughter is the chatty type. She loves to talk- and she’s only ten so she says lots of things over and over. She has graduated from Clifford and his adventures to school anecdotes. I can tell you what each teacher and principal wore every day …
Lowering the Temperature
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 1st, 2018

Dear Dr. T., Sometimes when I look into my children’s eyes, I shudder to think at the parent I have become.  Let me explain. I wake up every morning with the best of intentions: I will keep my cool and be positive with my children. But, like failed dieting, my resolve melts sooner or later in the day- when a child spills, I am late again, or there is just too much stuff for one set of parents to deal with. I quickly become irritable an …
Class Clown
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 21st, 2019

                                                               Dear Dr T, I am worried about my youngest daughter who is starting fifth grade this year. She is an above average student who excels in math but has some mild difficulty in reading. What I worry about is the fact that the teach …
Can't vs Won't
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 22nd, 2020

Dear Dr T, How do I get my children – ages two to ten – to sit and co-operate at the Shabbos seuda? They know all about Shabbos,  but they just won’t do what they are supposed to do. The shabbos table is such a struggle, and by the time it is over, everyone is frustrated and out of sorts. Are there behavioral techniques I could use to get everyone on par?   Dr T, Can’t or won’t? Are your children unable, or …
I Can Do It Better
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 26th, 2021

Dear Dr. T.,  School starts for me when Yom Tov ends, and I am beginning to feel that familiar dread. It’s not the homework- though that’s bad, or the carpools- which is worse;  it’s my 10 year old.  He’s a great kid- funny, well-liked, bright. Unfortunately, he overlooks these traits and is in constant competition with his two older brothers – who are-effortlessly- real academic stars in school. So, t …
It's Not Fair!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 13th, 2017

Dear Dr T., My parents have just offered to take our ten year old daughter to Israel this summer. She would love to go and we feel that this is a real opportunity for her. My husband and I are concerned, however, that it would not be fair to send her because her twelve year old brother cannot go. His yeshiva is on the eleven month schedule, so he is in school at the time that my parents are going. What do you think? Is it right for us to let her …
Learning to say 'no'
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 13th, 2022

                                                    Dear Dr. T.,  My eighteen-year-old daughter is a really good girl. I am not the only one who says this: for example, she won the middos award at  her high school graduation. She got into a great seminary, is accumulating college credits, and we are anticipat …
Scaredy Cat
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 15th, 2020

                                                            Dear Dr.T., My husband hates when I say it, but the truth is my son is a real scaredy cat. You know the different noises a house makes- well, he hears each one and reacts- crying, hiding under his bed or in the closet. He won’t go int …
Why Children Misbehave
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 24th, 2018


Dear Dr. T.,
I am a teacher, so discipline is second nature to me. I have a good understanding of positive reinforcement and how to use consequences. I am pretty successful, if I say so myself, probably because I am consistent in my dealing with my children.
So, why am I writing you? Well, it’s about my nine year old daughter. Honestly, I just can’t understand her. She somehow makes trouble at home and in school- even …
Chinuch vs, Control #2
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 3rd, 2018

The previous article differentiated between chinuch and control.  Whereas chinuchis long- lasting and emanating from within the child, control is short–lived and external- i.e. we can force our child to behave  but only while he is in our presence. But, as parents, we want more than just learned, automatic, albeit good, behavior. We want our children to choose to do the right thing-in public and in private. Unfortunately, too …
Summer Anyone?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 8th, 2019

                                                              Nefesh Blog- Summer Anyone? Dr. T, It seems to defy common sense, but many of us st …
Chinuch vs. Control
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 14th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,
My situation is a bit unusual, but I bet lots of people are as confused as I am.
Let me explain.
I am the second wife of a much older man whose children are all grown and married. Together, we have two boys – ages eight and ten.
I think the boys are really good kids. They have some spunk and spirit, they love mischief, but don’t give us any real grief- at home or in school.
My husband does not a …
Whose Side Are You On?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 15th, 2017

Dear Dr T, My eight year old daughter is a star in school - socially and academically. At home, I really work hard to do right by her: take her shopping, help with school projects, enjoy special outings. We generally do well together and enjoy each other’s company. It is very disappointing to me, however, that whenever she gets upset about anything [about twice a week]- she lashes out at me and says ‘You don’t care about me&rsqu …
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