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Sara Teichman, PsyD A proactive approach to chinuch habonim based on understanding and respect.
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Negativity
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 18th, 2020

                                    Dear Dr. T., I work really hard at being a conscientious and responsible parent. I try to be attentive and on top of all areas of my children’s lives. I believe that I owe my children that much, but I do find it difficult, especially beca …
Love or Abuse? PAS [Parent alienation Syndrome]
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 27th, 2021

   Dear Dr. T.,  What exactly is PAS [Parent Alienation Syndrome]? Is it contrived, junk science as its detractors say, or is it an insidious, subtle form of child abuse, as its defenders hold?  There is a divorced staff member in our office whose children are almost completely estranged from him because of what he calls PAS. But, how is that possible? Don’t children naturally bond with a decent, loving parent, even when …
Being Mevater - tzaddik or neb?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 29th, 2017

Dear Dr. T,  I’m not sure I have a problem or I am making a mountain out of a molehill. My two boys –ages 10 and 12- share a room. I’ve been noticing that the older brother always gives in to the younger one for the sake of peace: letting him cheat at games, monopolize the room etc. Yet, though the older one seems increasingly resentful, he makes no move to assert himself. Lately, for example, he’s allowed a lethal Le …
I Want Tatty !
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 2nd, 2021

 Dear Dr. T.,  I used to think it was cute when my adorable little 3-year-old boy would say, ‘I want Tatty!’ Whether it was to dress him, feed him, play with him, or go with him- a real Tatty’s boy. We all laughed when he wouldn’t even take nosh from me when his Tatty was around. Well, I think we are both sick of it by now. My husband has to sneak out of the house to go to shul, and I feel like a shmatte. Who do …
Breaking the Secret Code of Tantrums
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 16th, 2017

Tantrums, especially when they are thrown in public, are no fun. Even in private, they frustrate us and make us wonder what has happened to our typically lovable child. No wonder that tantrums are often cited as the most challenging issue that parents face. Common wisdom holds that if you ignore tantrums, they will go away. This is based on the behavioral principle of reinforcement and extinction, which claims that, that which is not reinforced w …
Too Frum?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 23rd, 2017

Dear Dr T., We are worried about our seventeen-year-old son, a good boy who lives in the dorm of his yeshiva. He is very frum, and particularly scrupulous and meticulous in shmiras mitzos. He is well known in his yeshiva for davening the longest shmona esrei and for being honest - to a fault. So, what’s the catch? Well, with Pesach approaching, his frumkeit has become more intense. He keeps calling home with questions. ‘Do you know ho …
Treating Trauma
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 23rd, 2020

Dear Dr. T., My family went through a trauma recently. There was a fire in our home, and though we all got out safely because of the working smoke alarms, some of the children did get hurt in the rush to get out. We, the parents, suffered smoke inhalation because we ran around making sure everyone was out and it took a while to get out of our three-story home. Boruch Hashem, no one was seriously injured. We [the parents] were treated in the hospi …
Overwhelmed
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 24th, 2019

                                         Overwhelmed Dear Dr T., Though I know I should be very thankful for the great bracha in my life- a fine husband and five healthy children BH- I feel overwhelmed and guilty most of the time instead. I have five little ones [ages seven to ten months] and I am just not managing. The baby cries constan …
Purim Stress
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 2nd, 2017

                                                    Purim Stress   Dear T., With Purim upon us, I feel sheer panic! Mishloach manos, seuda, Megilla [two times!], costumes, and ‘collect …
De-Stressing Pesach
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 30th, 2017

                                                         Dear Dr. T, To be totally honest,  Pesach is not my finest hour. The cooking, cleaning, and so many days off from scho …
Parenting Your Teen
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 7th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,  My husband and I are concerned about a change we see in our oldest who is seventeen. Though he’s always been a great kid and a wonderful example for his sibs, of late he has developed a challenging attitude. We can’t call it chutzpah because he is generally quite respectful; however, in word and tone, facial expression and body language, he conveys that he most certainly does not agree with our ideas, thoughts, plan …
Kibud Av
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 9th, 2017

Dear Dr T, There is an issue that I struggle with – and I’m hoping you can help me achieve some clarity. My husband is very ‘correct’ – maybe even midas hadin- and this is the source of much tension and stress in the home. He was raised by very strict parents, and he wants to bring up his children the way he was raised, particularly in the area of kibud av v’am. At times, though, it seems to me that he borders …
Our Weekly Disaster: The Shabbos Seuda x2
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 12th, 2017

Dear Dr T., Since I was a little girl I dreamed about my Shabbos table- how we would all – my children and I- sit around and listen to my husband’s divrei torah and sing zemiros together. I was an only child of much older parents and our Shabbos table looked nothing like the Art Scroll coloring book. But, guess what? Now that I have that family I so longed for, my shabbos table is a far cry from what I imagined. It’s a complicat …
You Don't Understand - or You Don't Need That Now!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 19th, 2017

Dear Dr T., I know life was really hard for children in earlier times, but, honestly, is there such a thing as just too good? My children have just too much stuff, and the minute they get something, they move on to next…Instead of being satisfied with whatever they get, do, have – they just seem to crave more. I feel like we are creating a monster here- one that is impossible to satisfy! What happened Sunday is a good example. We wen …
"Ma, What Should I Do?"
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 19th, 2019

Dear Dr. T,  “Mom! I’m bored! What should I do?” This is the part of summer I like least. Not that I don’t deserve this: I remember complaining to my parents all the time. Nevertheless, after all my planning, running around and shlepping to the country, it is disheartening to be hit with these moans and groans.  How do I help my children learn l to occupy themselves?   Dr. T. Replies,, Those long, lazy days …
Perception
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 28th, 2018

                                                                        Dear Dr T., My fourteen year old wears me down. She loves to complain and I just can’t get through to her. So we are both unhappy and frustrated: she because ‘I don’t understand he …
I Want Nosh!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 29th, 2017

Dear Dr. T.,  My six-year-old daughter - a bright, friendly first-grader – goes crazy for nosh. From the minute, she wakes up ‘til the second she goes to sleep, she begs for junk. Though we are quite liberal and generous, and always make sure that she has what other kids her age have, she badgers us relentlessly when there is a possibility of more- i.e. a Kiddush, ‘goody-bags’ or Yom tov. No matter what the ‘dea …
Proactive vs. Reactive Parenting
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 8th, 2017

Dear Dr T., You often talk about proactive parenting but I am not exactly sure what you mean. I am familiar with the word proactive from Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but I don’t know how it applies here. All I know is that I have a hard time managing my children and would like any help I can get.   Dr. T., Proactive means having a plan in place, knowing what you are going to do even before somethin …
Whatever
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 9th, 2018

Dear Dr T., My children don't like to work hard! If something requires effort, forget it: they prefer not to learn or master the skill. They have tasted success when I pushed them to practice things such as riding a bike or jumping rope. But they often give up so easily and have a low frustration tolerance level, and this makes every lesson very difficult. This carries over to schoolwork as well. They would rather do poorly on a test th …
Out of Control
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
November 21st, 2019

Dear Dr. T., I hate to admit this, but our 11-year-old son is out of control, at home and in school. He is angry, moody, and undisciplined; he just about does whatever he wants and tries to get away with it. At quieter times, he complains that no-one likes him and no-one wants to play with him. Needless to say, he does not do his schoolwork. Though we certainly try to discipline him, giving him ‘time out,’ positive and negative conseq …
From Neb to ... Superman
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
November 30th, 2020

                                                            Dear Dr.T.,   My husband hates when I say it, but the truth is my son is a real scaredy cat. You know the different noises a house makes- well, he hears each one and reacts- crying, hiding under his bed or in the closet. He won’t …
Chanukah Revisited
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
November 8th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,  I read your Chanukah column about the excesses of this holiday in our world today, and I have another Chanukah-related question.  Here’s my issue: on Chanukah and various other occasions, my children receive their “own” money. Some of the children want to go asap to Target  and look for something to blow the money on. Others want to hold on to their money and fear spending even one dollar of it. Beli …
Homework Woes
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 14th, 2018

                                         
Dear Dr. T.,
We are some random girls from different high schools in one of the major frum cities.
Now before we tell you what our problem is, you need to know that we are the good kids- what you adults like to call ‘top girls.’ We’re not looking to make trouble; we jus …
Homework
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 22nd, 2017

                                               Dear Dr T, Who invented homework? Every night we face torture and chaos as my older children [ages 8 -11] try to get their homework done. I feel trapped in this nightly stru …
An Idea Worth Considering
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 25th, 2020

                                                                                                  &n …
A Divorce, Civilly
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 26th, 2022

 Dear Dr T.,  I am unfortunately unable to keep my marriage together, and we are in the process of getting a divorce. As heart-rending as this decision has been for us both, that is not the focal point of this letter.  We have reviewed the situation over and over again with parents, Rabbonim, askanim and the like. For whatever reason, the decision is absolutely final and we are not open to reviewing it anymore.   We have six c …
Teasing Isn't Funny
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 30th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,  My eleven year old worries me because he seems so overly sensitive to teasing that he actually falls apart when he is teased. This is problematic in school, but more so at home because my husband has a reputation for good natured teasing.  How do I help my son grow a tougher skin so he is not so vulnerable and easily hurt? Dr. T.,  There is no way that I am aware of to inure oneself to pain- whether it is physical or …
The Apology - For Teens
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 30th, 2019

We are all human and make mistakes. And, while ‘a mistake is just a mistake”, when someone is hurt by our error– even inadvertently- we are accountable. The Torah requires us to take responsibility -which means apologize and make repair. For most of us, this is not an easy thing to do – especially if it is to our parents or siblings. We don’t like confrontation and are afraid of the reaction of the other person. Yet …
Surviving Yom Tov
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 3rd, 2017

Dear Dr. T.,  I’m not sure this is a ‘parenting question’: more likely it’s a ‘parent’ question. It’s my turn to  go to my parents for yom tov and I truly look forward to spending time with my parents and sibs. My issue is a very personal one. I very much want my children –ages 2 to 12- to be on their best behavior because we get together infrequently and this is my chance to share my nach …
Infant Speak
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 5th, 2021

  Dear Dr T.,  Whenever I am with my mechatenesteh and our grandchild, I feel awful about myself. So, it goes like this. The baby is six months old- and sees us each about once in two weeks. I also have some older grandchildren from my other children.  When I see the kids, I try to be respectful and read their cues. So, I don’t rush to hug, kiss, or even approach the kids until they signal their readiness. I might be there fo …
Dreading Rosh Hashana
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
September 12th, 2017

  Dear Dr T. I ‘ve never seen this question in any of our Torah publications, so I hope you will take the time to respond. With Rosh Hashanah / Yom Kippur approaching, I feel increasingly anxious and tense. It’s not just that I feel aimas hadin; it’s something else entirely. You see, in my family, we take davening very seriously: going to shul from the beginning of shacharis until after ma’ariv is standard. But, today …
Labels
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
September 22nd, 2019

                                                      Dear Dr T, My wife is a wonderful mother. She is a great communicator and really works on understanding our children. So, why am I writing you? Well, I would like an opinion on a point of contention. See, it’s like this. At night, when our kids are safely …
School Success- Part 2
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
September 4th, 2018

                                                      Dear Dr T.,  I enjoyed your recent  column about concrete ways [diet, sleep, exercise] of helping our children be successful in school. Are there also some attitudes and expectations that parents can develop that would further support their children&r …
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