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Sara Teichman, PsyD A proactive approach to chinuch habonim based on understanding and respect.
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Mesorah
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 25th, 2021

                                                                                                   Mesorah Dear Dr T, I am writing this letter in …
Lowering the Temperature
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 1st, 2018

Dear Dr. T., Sometimes when I look into my children’s eyes, I shudder to think at the parent I have become.  Let me explain. I wake up every morning with the best of intentions: I will keep my cool and be positive with my children. But, like failed dieting, my resolve melts sooner or later in the day- when a child spills, I am late again, or there is just too much stuff for one set of parents to deal with. I quickly become irritable an …
Love or Abuse? PAS [Parent alienation Syndrome]
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 27th, 2021

   Dear Dr. T.,  What exactly is PAS [Parent Alienation Syndrome]? Is it contrived, junk science as its detractors say, or is it an insidious, subtle form of child abuse, as its defenders hold?  There is a divorced staff member in our office whose children are almost completely estranged from him because of what he calls PAS. But, how is that possible? Don’t children naturally bond with a decent, loving parent, even when …
Learning to say 'no'
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 13th, 2022

                                                    Dear Dr. T.,  My eighteen-year-old daughter is a really good girl. I am not the only one who says this: for example, she won the middos award at  her high school graduation. She got into a great seminary, is accumulating college credits, and we are anticipat …
Labels
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
September 22nd, 2019

                                                      Dear Dr T, My wife is a wonderful mother. She is a great communicator and really works on understanding our children. So, why am I writing you? Well, I would like an opinion on a point of contention. See, it’s like this. At night, when our kids are safely …
Kibud Av
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 9th, 2017

Dear Dr T, There is an issue that I struggle with – and I’m hoping you can help me achieve some clarity. My husband is very ‘correct’ – maybe even midas hadin- and this is the source of much tension and stress in the home. He was raised by very strict parents, and he wants to bring up his children the way he was raised, particularly in the area of kibud av v’am. At times, though, it seems to me that he borders …
It's Not Fair!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 13th, 2017

Dear Dr T., My parents have just offered to take our ten year old daughter to Israel this summer. She would love to go and we feel that this is a real opportunity for her. My husband and I are concerned, however, that it would not be fair to send her because her twelve year old brother cannot go. His yeshiva is on the eleven month schedule, so he is in school at the time that my parents are going. What do you think? Is it right for us to let her …
intrinsic vs extrinsic
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
February 15th, 2022

                        Dear Dr. T., I remember reading in your column a few months ago about a teenager who would kill for an “A.” Well, my daughter is seven and doesn’t care yet about grades, but she will do just about anything – as long as she gets a reward.  So, if she eats her dinner – even her very favorite one – she must get her prize- …
Infant Speak
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 5th, 2021

  Dear Dr T.,  Whenever I am with my mechatenesteh and our grandchild, I feel awful about myself. So, it goes like this. The baby is six months old- and sees us each about once in two weeks. I also have some older grandchildren from my other children.  When I see the kids, I try to be respectful and read their cues. So, I don’t rush to hug, kiss, or even approach the kids until they signal their readiness. I might be there fo …
I Want Tatty !
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 2nd, 2021

 Dear Dr. T.,  I used to think it was cute when my adorable little 3-year-old boy would say, ‘I want Tatty!’ Whether it was to dress him, feed him, play with him, or go with him- a real Tatty’s boy. We all laughed when he wouldn’t even take nosh from me when his Tatty was around. Well, I think we are both sick of it by now. My husband has to sneak out of the house to go to shul, and I feel like a shmatte. Who do …
I Want Nosh!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
May 29th, 2017

Dear Dr. T.,  My six-year-old daughter - a bright, friendly first-grader – goes crazy for nosh. From the minute, she wakes up ‘til the second she goes to sleep, she begs for junk. Though we are quite liberal and generous, and always make sure that she has what other kids her age have, she badgers us relentlessly when there is a possibility of more- i.e. a Kiddush, ‘goody-bags’ or Yom tov. No matter what the ‘dea …
I Have To Stop!
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 25th, 2017

Dear Dr T, Like many women of her generation, my mother was a ‘screamer.’ Though she was a very good person who had no intent to harm, it was like she was on automatic pilot. Whatever the issue – small or big – my Mom used yelling as the first line of defense. Though I survived very nicely – thank you very much- I resolved to leave yelling out of my arsenal. I have been BH by and large successful, yet I still do yell …
I Can Do It Better
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 26th, 2021

Dear Dr. T.,  School starts for me when Yom Tov ends, and I am beginning to feel that familiar dread. It’s not the homework- though that’s bad, or the carpools- which is worse;  it’s my 10 year old.  He’s a great kid- funny, well-liked, bright. Unfortunately, he overlooks these traits and is in constant competition with his two older brothers – who are-effortlessly- real academic stars in school. So, t …
Homework Woes
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 14th, 2018

                                         
Dear Dr. T.,
We are some random girls from different high schools in one of the major frum cities.
Now before we tell you what our problem is, you need to know that we are the good kids- what you adults like to call ‘top girls.’ We’re not looking to make trouble; we jus …
Homework
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 22nd, 2017

                                               Dear Dr T, Who invented homework? Every night we face torture and chaos as my older children [ages 8 -11] try to get their homework done. I feel trapped in this nightly stru …
Hoarding
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 31st, 2019

Dear Dr. T., I have a sweet, adorable five-year-old daughter who is perfect in every way. Well- almost perfect. She has this peculiar habit of saving stuff that is so out of character for her. You see, each of my kids has a ‘junk drawer’ where they keep all their treasures. Most of the children save stuff like school projects, prizes, coins, anything special. I hardly ever go into the drawers and really don’t care what the kids …
Gimme
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 15th, 2018

 Dear Dr. T.,   “I need…”   “Mom please…”   “I want…”   “Get me…” That’s about all that I hear from my eleven year old daughter. I wasn’t born yesterday and I do understand about peer pressure. I know that kids have more ‘stuff’ today than we did, but what bothers me is that she never seems happy: she is always looking forw …
Getting an "A"
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 18th, 2018

                                           Dear Dr. T., My daughter is bright and gets all A’s. That’s right – A’s, not A minuses. She will literally stay up all night to make sure she gets that A. She memorizes everything – even stuff that is basically trivial [history of Indian tribes in New York anyone?]- …
From Neb to ... Superman
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
November 30th, 2020

                                                            Dear Dr.T.,   My husband hates when I say it, but the truth is my son is a real scaredy cat. You know the different noises a house makes- well, he hears each one and reacts- crying, hiding under his bed or in the closet. He won’t …
Dreading Rosh Hashana
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
September 12th, 2017

  Dear Dr T. I ‘ve never seen this question in any of our Torah publications, so I hope you will take the time to respond. With Rosh Hashanah / Yom Kippur approaching, I feel increasingly anxious and tense. It’s not just that I feel aimas hadin; it’s something else entirely. You see, in my family, we take davening very seriously: going to shul from the beginning of shacharis until after ma’ariv is standard. But, today …
Disciplining Moishy
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
August 4th, 2019

Dear Dr T., My Moishy is driving me crazy! He’s eight and cute and full of life – but he doesn’t listen to a word I say. It goes like this: “Moishy, get ready for bed.” [X3] “Moishy, get ready for bed!” [really loud voice] “Moishy, get ready for bed or you won’t get Shabbos party this week. [no response] “Moishy, get ready for bed!!!!! [Lock the door from outside so he can’t come o …
De-Stressing Pesach
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 30th, 2017

                                                         Dear Dr. T, To be totally honest,  Pesach is not my finest hour. The cooking, cleaning, and so many days off from scho …
Cliques
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
April 29th, 2020

                        Dear Dr. T., I recently heard someone say, “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child” – and that really hit home for me. You see, my daughter just started high school – a big school, in a big city- and she is miserable. So am I. The work is ok [“It’s school! It’s boring!], the teachers are more-or-less fine -as …
Class Clown
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 21st, 2019

                                                               Dear Dr T, I am worried about my youngest daughter who is starting fifth grade this year. She is an above average student who excels in math but has some mild difficulty in reading. What I worry about is the fact that the teach …
Chinuch vs, Control #2
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
July 3rd, 2018

The previous article differentiated between chinuch and control.  Whereas chinuchis long- lasting and emanating from within the child, control is short–lived and external- i.e. we can force our child to behave  but only while he is in our presence. But, as parents, we want more than just learned, automatic, albeit good, behavior. We want our children to choose to do the right thing-in public and in private. Unfortunately, too …
Chinuch vs. Control
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 14th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,
My situation is a bit unusual, but I bet lots of people are as confused as I am.
Let me explain.
I am the second wife of a much older man whose children are all grown and married. Together, we have two boys – ages eight and ten.
I think the boys are really good kids. They have some spunk and spirit, they love mischief, but don’t give us any real grief- at home or in school.
My husband does not a …
Chanukah Revisited
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
November 8th, 2018

Dear Dr. T.,  I read your Chanukah column about the excesses of this holiday in our world today, and I have another Chanukah-related question.  Here’s my issue: on Chanukah and various other occasions, my children receive their “own” money. Some of the children want to go asap to Target  and look for something to blow the money on. Others want to hold on to their money and fear spending even one dollar of it. Beli …
Chanukah
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
December 11th, 2017

Chanukah                              Dear Dr. T, I have always loved Chanukah, especially the look on my children’s faces as they receive their gifts. However, the past few years, I have noticed a change. I find that my children get such an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that they lose their appreciation for each individual gift. I catch their eyes darting aro …
Can't vs Won't
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
January 22nd, 2020

Dear Dr T, How do I get my children – ages two to ten – to sit and co-operate at the Shabbos seuda? They know all about Shabbos,  but they just won’t do what they are supposed to do. The shabbos table is such a struggle, and by the time it is over, everyone is frustrated and out of sorts. Are there behavioral techniques I could use to get everyone on par?   Dr T, Can’t or won’t? Are your children unable, or …
Breaking the Secret Code of Tantrums
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
March 16th, 2017

Tantrums, especially when they are thrown in public, are no fun. Even in private, they frustrate us and make us wonder what has happened to our typically lovable child. No wonder that tantrums are often cited as the most challenging issue that parents face. Common wisdom holds that if you ignore tantrums, they will go away. This is based on the behavioral principle of reinforcement and extinction, which claims that, that which is not reinforced w …
Being Mevater - tzaddik or neb?
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
June 29th, 2017

Dear Dr. T,  I’m not sure I have a problem or I am making a mountain out of a molehill. My two boys –ages 10 and 12- share a room. I’ve been noticing that the older brother always gives in to the younger one for the sake of peace: letting him cheat at games, monopolize the room etc. Yet, though the older one seems increasingly resentful, he makes no move to assert himself. Lately, for example, he’s allowed a lethal Le …
An Idea Worth Considering
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 25th, 2020

                                                                                                  &n …
A Divorce, Civilly
Author: Sara Teichman, PsyD
October 26th, 2022

 Dear Dr T.,  I am unfortunately unable to keep my marriage together, and we are in the process of getting a divorce. As heart-rending as this decision has been for us both, that is not the focal point of this letter.  We have reviewed the situation over and over again with parents, Rabbonim, askanim and the like. For whatever reason, the decision is absolutely final and we are not open to reviewing it anymore.   We have six c …
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