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Assessing Your Relationship
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 9th, 2017
On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and deman …
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Educational Psychology in Parshas Mishpatim
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 23rd, 2017
Leah [pseudonym] is a 21 year old assistant preschool teacher in a beis yaakov school and part time college student. Sweet, social, and sincere, she gets along well with her family, spends time daily with friends, dates regularly, and enjoys her work. But underneath her orthodontic smile, she's feeling personally under-stimulated. She describes a chronic lack of excitement, bordering on apathy, about her life, some of which she traces back to her …
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Moving Forward and Moving up
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 26th, 2017
Originally, this post was to be titled: "Raising Thighs and Waving Breasts" but then I chickened out and opted for a more neutral, if less evocative name. But before you click away in horror, I want to add that this appellation was actually taken verbatim from a verse in yesterday's parsha- I promise! Chapter 10 verse 15... Ok, so if you went to look it up, you may have noticed that it technically refers to the anatomy of sacrificial animal …
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On Teaching Kids about the Birds and the Bees
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 28th, 2017
Teaching Children about “The Birds and the Bees” By: Elisheva Liss LMFT There are, essentially, only two ways for kids to hear about sex: their parents, and Someplace Else. While that “someplace else” may be any one of a number of sources, what those sources tend to share is a lack of parental input. Whether it’s the school bus, sleepaway camp, a dirty joke, a teacher, or a predator- chances are, if it doesn’t …
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Flavors of Forgiveness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2017
Flavors of Forgiveness: What to Do When It’s not “All Good”
A Simple Thought from Elisheva Liss, LMFT Welcome to the season of begging forgiveness. We run around apologizing, trying to let go of past resentments and obtain pardons for our own transgressions. For many of us, much of the time, this can be a simple, annual interpersonal cleansing, an apology-acceptance social ritual. It can feel great to dissipate some of th …
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Rethinking the phrase "off the derech"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 2nd, 2017
Rethinking the Phrase: “Off the Derech” Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it. One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purpos …
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sexual abuse with no abuser
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 13th, 2017
Sexual Abuse with No Abuser By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Beila and Sruly (pseudonyms) are a handsome and charming couple in their 20’s. They were referred by Beila’s private therapist, for an unconsummated marriage, though they’ve been married for over a year. Beila’s severe case of genophobia and vaginismus had prevented any physical penetration or intercourse. In their first couple’s session they present as a ple …
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Why are there so many divorces these days?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 2nd, 2017
"Why Are There So Many More Divorces Nowadays?" By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It’s a magnificent summer night- 75 perfect degrees, and I’m on a delightful walk over a nearby bridge to the beach, with a dear friend from high school, reconnecting the way we wish we did more often. Catching up on each other’s’ lives, careers, kids, stresses, hopes and dreams, she mentions an old mutual friend who’s on her mind, because she ha …
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Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 7th, 2017
Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week’s Parsha By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It seems that every time we click on a newsfeed, there are more accusations of sexual assault against high profile personalities. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #metoo movement, it can begin to feel that we have entered an epidemic of sexual corruption. Yet “There is nothing new under the sun,” teaches King Shlomo, wisest of men. …
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She was told: never say no to your husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 13th, 2017
She Was Taught: “You Should Never Say ‘No’ to Your Husband…” by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Miriam had been married for just over ten years, and was happily and busily raising their brood of five healthy children, when she and her husband, Chaim, finally came in seeking help for “her desire problem”. They describe a loving partnership, one in which there is mutual respect, generosity, kindness, and connection. …
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On touching your wife: a guide for perplexed husbands
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 17th, 2018
How to Touch Your Wife: A Guide for Perplexed Husbands Affectionate Touch vs. Erotic Touch Elisha and Ariella are a charismatic couple in their early 30s, with a frisky toddler, and a baby on the way. They generally treat each other well, and enjoy a strong marital friendship. But there has been some tension between them lately, that we’re trying to sort through. “I just feel pushed away a lot of the time,” Elisha …
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Does my anxiety mean I Lack Emunah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 24th, 2018
“Does My Anxiety Mean I Lack Emunah?” By: Elisheva Liss Tzivi is a deeply devout 24 year old mother and wife. She prays twice daily, while raising her toddler and baby, and working 30 hours a week, while her husband pursues Rabbinical studies in Yeshiva. She has suffered from an anxiety disorder since middle school, but you would never know it to speak to her; she presents as calm, soft-spoken, and content. In therapy, she describes w …
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she secretly wished her husband would die...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 1st, 2018
She secretly wished her husband would die…. By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Shaindy’s eyes filled before she lowered them to examine her lap. She had been feeling stuck and hopeless in her marriage for several years. She had carefully and deliberately chosen to remain for the sake of her children; her husband wasn’t dangerous or malicious. But she often found Mutty’s behavior toward her selfish, thoughtless, lazy, and dise …
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Intimacy vs. Sex
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 6th, 2018
Intimacy vs. Sexual Activity By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The well-groomed young couple settled into the matching navy, velvet club chairs in my office, and glanced at one another. After a beat, the young woman turned to me, and gingerly proffered: “We’re here because we need to work on our intimacy.” “General intimacy, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy? Or all of the above?” I inquire. They look at each other, and …
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Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2018
Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Kayla (pseudonym) was referred to me a number of years ago, by her caring Rebbetzen and mentor, for what she described as a “very sensitive, urgent problem, of a sexual nature.” The following week, the poised, pleasant, 20 year old young woman showed up for intake and described her presenting problem as follows: “I know I look and sound like a normal person. But I …
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On Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 24th, 2018
Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Leah closes her eyes and pauses for a moment, then swallows. I’ve come to recognize this subtlety as a cue that something deeply personal and profound will follow. I cross my legs, trying to be patient and open, and refocus on her face. I didn’t record her exact words, and I wish I had, because she was honest, wise, clear, and calm, but below is my paraphrase o …
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Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 29th, 2018
Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws… by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Sima had ostensibly done everything “right”. She was a prototypical “aidel maidel”- a respectful daughter, a helpful sister, a caring friend, an obedient student, and then married “the right guy”. She said, and often believed, all the lovely comments that “good girls” were supposed to modestly opine. But in my office, the confidential te …
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"My Kid 'Frummed Out' in Israel- Should I Be Glad or Concerned?" 7 Talking Points for Parents
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 7th, 2018
My Kid “Frummed out” in Israel: Should We be Glad or Concerned? Seven Talking Points for Parents By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT “It’s not that I mind Rachel becoming more religious; we expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to Israel for the year. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore, …
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Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 12th, 2018
The Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Suicide has been getting a lot of attention in the news lately, due to some high profile cases. Shortly before that, the second season of the controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why was recently released on Netflix. The show spotlights some heavy issues like violence, suicide contagion, mandated reporting, bullying, sexual harassment, assault and rape, institutional e …
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Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 26th, 2018
The Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates By: Elisheva Liss LMFT “About how often would you guys say you are physically intimate?” This question is part of my standard couple intake session, even if the clients have not specifically said they ware coming to work on their sexual relationship. The answer helps me understand a little about what is percolating beneath the surface of the stuff that is easier to discuss, or seems more pressi …
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Parental Plane Letter to My Child Going Off to Israel
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 9th, 2018
In preparation for Rosh Chodesh Elul, I am deviating from my usual blogging style to share something a bit more personal. The following is adapted from a letter I wrote my son a year ago as he went off to study in Yeshiva in Israel. At the time, it was just between me and him. But a year later, I've removed the parts that were privately for him, and adapted the sentiments for use by any parents who may feel the same way, and want to share or adap …
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Embarrasing Confessions of an Almost Author
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 27th, 2018
Yesterday, I was supposed to be correcting the formatting work for the manuscript of my first and upcoming book. But I got bored, and instead started journaling about how nervous I feel about publishing it. Using my well-established, questionable judgement, I opted to share this "rant" on my facebook page.. not exactly sure why, I guess because interacting with facebook friends is also way more fun than tedious paperwork. And I was also hoping …
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Confronting Happiness-Anxiety
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2018
Have you ever found that happiness sometimes brings fear? That often when we find, receive, or achieve something good, it’s almost like: “Wait- this is too good to be true… when does the other shoe drop?” Or maybe a questioning of “Do I really deserve this? What did I have to forfeit in order to luck out like this?” I’ve always struggled to understand the notion of happiness. I remember (probably) …
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Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 5th, 2018
Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi …
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Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 31st, 2018
Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Hi, folks. I’m going to deviate from my usual blogging style in today’s post. I generally open with a hypothetical or well-disguised case, and use the story as a springboard to highlight a relevant point. But today, I’m going to address you, my readers, directly, and speak about myself, kind of from deep in my soul-ish. I’m so gra …
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Could we please stop telling girls that marrying a Yeshiva guy is the only way to get a good husband?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 26th, 2018
Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband? This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*: Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands. They also cannot guarantee good husbands. Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student. Not every …
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What If My B'show Was Wrong?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
January 3rd, 2019
What if my b’show didn’t work? This post will undoubtedly elicit strong reactions from readers on both sides of this issue. I want to preempt that I realize some, even many couples successfully meet, marry, and build families using the b’show system of mate selection, and go on to live happily ever after. When that happens, it is very fortunate. The following piece is a reflection of and a message to those individuals for whom i …
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Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
January 6th, 2019
Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help Every year around this time, I wonder if this will be the year I try and “do something about it.” These are the weeks we call Shovevim Tat, the weeks that some communities choose to focus on the area of sexual holiness and holy sexuality. Some will take the opportunity to discuss the pornography epidemic, others to double down on the nidda laws, and still other …
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"I'm Not Attracted to my Spouse"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 11th, 2019
“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue: “My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s …
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Not Attracted to her Spouse: Part 2 Some Answers to Your Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 19th, 2019
Not Attracted to Her Spouse Part 2: Some Answers to Your Questions My recent blog post “I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” has attracted significantly more views, shares, and responses in its first week than any of my other posts here so far. I am grateful to those who emailed or commented to say that it resonated as true and/or validated feelings for them. And I would like to address those who disagreed or raised other poi …
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National Trauma: A Message from Zachor and Amalek
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 14th, 2019
Trauma, Repression, and Obsession: A Lesson from Zachor and Amalek When terrible things happen, it’s natural to react intensely. It can be a tremendous challenge to move beyond the event and forward into “regular life”. Two extreme coping mechanisms include obsession and repression. Obsession is when our minds become preoccupied with the experience to the point where it takes up more brain space than we want it to, and in …
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Choosing a Career: (Including My Own Story of How I Became a Therapist)
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 2nd, 2019
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT In some ways, choosing a career path can be more confusing and overwhelming than ever before in human history. There are more options and access, and ever-evolving specialties, and subspecialties. But those options and the programs that train for them, are rapidly changing, often rendering previously secure and lucrative jobs obsolete, replaced by software, or outsourced to underpaid workers overseas. There is a col …
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Hang in There Young Mamas- It Gets Easier
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 15th, 2019
“Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Just you wait!” warned the more experienced moms; their condescending tones wagging fingers of dread in my peaked, sleep-deprived face. Sheesh! I heard a lot of that when my children were young. Now, however, with the older ones launching and the youngest one already in middle school, and as someone who treats moms of all ages, I can confidently challenge that unintentionally obno …
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Spousal Hygiene- An Awkward Problem
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 28th, 2019
Spousal Hygiene… An Awkward Problem Shani prefaces her disclosure with discomfort: “This is not an easy thing to discuss. But it’s an issue for me. It has to do with cleanliness. I grew up in a home where we were expected to shower daily, brush our teeth morning and night, and generally clear up after ourselves. Besides that, we were taught to be aware of our natural body odors and use deodorant and mouthwash at least daily and …
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Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 9th, 2019
An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …
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Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2019
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …
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"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 22nd, 2019
“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me” A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …
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When Talmud Torah Becomes Avoda Zara
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 30th, 2019
There are certain memorable moments from sessions past that stay with me in vivid detail. It was a couple’s intake session years ago, and the husband (who I quickly learned was abusive) turned to his wife, and calmly explained his perspective: “Even the Gemara backs me up on this: You have to do what I say because you are my property. I bought and own you- like a slave or an animal. You don’t have a will of your own.” With …
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How Do You Take Your Torah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 6th, 2019
“I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the …
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"Do You Ever Just Cuddle?" A Powerful Tip for Marital Inimacy Improvement
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 14th, 2019
“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?” Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration: “I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s …
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