Question: I am a pre-school Morah in the local Yeshiva. There is a boy in my class who never talks above a whisper. This has been going on since the beginning of the school year. While the parents insist that the child is just shy, I am convinced that this is more serious than shyness. Can you please give me an idea of where the line is between shyness and a more serious problem? I would also appreciate any strategies you can suggest for convincing the parents to go for help.

You ask a wise question. Many children are shy and eventually warm up. They need time and space to become comfortable before they talk fully and may not require outside intervention. But when this shyness interferes with day-to-day functioning, it becomes problematic and might necessitate outside help. Interference in functioning can include interfering with a child’s academic or social progress. Incidentally, this distinction between normal and excessive shyness is likely the message of Chazal. Shyness is correlated with the trait of Busha, which Chazal say is a positive Midda of Klal Yisroel (Rachmanim, Bayshanim, V’gomlei Chassadim). At the same time, Chazal also state, “Ein Habayshan Lomeid,” indicating that Busha will hinder one’s learning by preventing the person from asking clarifying questions. Apparently, excessive busha, reaching the level of interfering with one’s learning, is detrimental.

To help facilitate the child’s comfort and ability to regularly communicate in the classroom, consider the following recommendations, even prior to meeting with the parents. 1) Softer settings such as one-on-one with a teacher (especially a playful and gentle one) or small groups will be less intimidating. 2) When child is in a relaxed situation with someone he freely talks with (parents or peer), very gradually introduce a new person into the room. 3) Help the child slowly progress through different methods of communication from gestures, to mouthing, to whispering, to louder utterances. This is accomplished by encouraging child to take it to the next level and proving ample reinforcement (praise and even prizes) when child does. Don’t rush this process. Focus on the relationship with the child.

 Regarding convincing parents to seek outside help, it is important to first collaboratively discuss the matter. Schedule a meeting with parents, share your observations, and ask them to share their own observations and understanding. What have they noticed? What do they make of it? When sharing your own observations, limit your comments to that which you have actually noticed as opposed to opinions or armchair diagnoses. In most situations, parents have had similar experiences when observing the child in unfamiliar environments (e.g., new relatives or friends) and may be open to seeking help. Even if they have not yet noticed the symptoms that you have seen, suggest that they bring child to an expert. This expert can render a professional opinion if these behaviors fall within developmental norms or if they necessitate specialized help (Relief Resources can assist with finding someone appropriate). In situations where the parents are clearly opposed to a professional consultation, it is wise to focus on the long-term picture and maintain a collaborative relationship. Taking a wait-and-see approach and agreeing to reconvene in 3 months can accomplish much towards planting a seed for future help as well as forestall a combative relationship.

Originally appeared in the Yated Neeman