Question: I am the mother of a growing family, kh, and like most women today, my income is essential. Perhaps my husband is learning and I am the primary breadwinner. Or perhaps my husband is working, but his income covers basics while mine pays the tuition.

 Either way, the pressure that I am feeling to increase my income as more of my children enter school is crushing. The truth is that I am not cut out to be a working mother. Far from meeting my needs for outside stimulation, my job drains the life out of me, physically and emotionally. When I come home, I have no strength left for my family, and wish everyone would just go away so I could rest or have some time to myself. After my kids are in bed, I have paperwork to complete or students to tutor at home. At that point, I have no strength left for any household tasks or phone calls, because I need time alone to unwind. (I know this is not depression, because Yom Tov, maternity leave, and even sick days are a different world. That is when I finally feel alive.)

 I would appreciate your REALISTIC advice! My family needs their wife and mother back!

Ouch! You articulate a real problem, one that we all face. The increasing financial pressures facing families has created a situation of stress and “kotzer ruach”, snuffing the life and energy from so many. Many will likely identify with your painful but real predicament. To your credit, you yearn for your role as a mother and homemaker. I’d like to share some ideas, which may or may not be helpful.

As busy as you are, it is important to carve out some time to engage in something that you enjoy. I understand that you don’t have time for anything else, but please realize that this will provide you with renewed energy, which equals more time. Please don’t feel guilty about doing something that will benefit you as well as your family. Ideas for outlets might include activities like getting together with friends, running an extracurricular function, or engaging in regular exercise. Having an outlet that you are passionate about will help you feel more “alive” and will provide you with energy that will extend well beyond the immediate activity.

In addition, we sometimes have the ability to view a bleak situation from a different angle. Although this won’t remove the problem, it may help us appreciate its positive aspects. Often, we can train ourselves to see the silver lining in a dark cloud. If this idea appeals to you, focus on the good times when you do feel “alive”; focus on the other blessings in your life that you do experience (e.g., marriage, health, family, etc.)

I also noticed that you briefly mentioned your husband, but I’m wondering if he can play a larger role. Is he available to share your burden physically or emotionally? Can he watch the children or assist you at all? Does he show any appreciation for the work that you do or demonstrate sympathy for the burden that you carry? Or perhaps he is carrying the same crushing burden? Are you comfortable communicating your needs to him?

Related to the above, I want to add one point which may not be applicable to your situation (but may be relevant to other readers). The ultimate obligation to provide parnossa is the husband’s, as delineated in the Ksuba. Gedolim such as Rav Wolbe (Alei Shur), Rav Chaim Friedlander (Kuntras Chassanim) and others write that when increased parnossa is necessary, it is the husband’s obligation. Where applicable, it is advisable to have a conversation with your husband (sometimes together with his Rebbi, parent etc.) regarding this point.

May Hkbh shower you with much brocha and with the menuchas hanefesh to apprecitate it!

I thank Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin for providing me with the sources quoted above and my wife for her general input on this question.

This appeared originally in the Yated Ne'eman.