Our very first relationships are the ones that we form with our caretakers, most typically, our mother and/or father. It is these early bonds that serve as a template for all our other relationships to come. As a baby, and then as child, we learn exactly what is at stake in our closest relationships. These primary alliances are instructive in representing what we can expect from others throughout our life, as well as what we are required to provide.

Ideally, our early relationships are nurturing ones. A nurturing caregiver is one who listens and attends to a child, shows love and acceptance, and provides a sense of safety and security by establishing healthy and appropriate boundaries. The reward of having early relationships of this nature is that one comes to associate the experience of connecting to others as positive and self-affirming. What’s more, one gains the skills to be able to replicate these types of bonds and create secure ties to others.

Even disappointments, which are inevitable in every relationship, are usually tolerated well by those who have nurturing caregivers, because the security and trust that has been established allows for the occasional minor breach that may occur. Most importantly, nurturing relationships are critical to the development of a confident sense of self. Being loved and cared for in early life is linked to one’s ability to love and care for one’s self.

Recognizing Our Patterns

But not everyone is so lucky.  Some individuals endure lifelong struggles to find peace, within themselves and with others, as a result of a particular type of early neglect. When the initial relationship fails to provide the fundamental elements needed for a secure bond, one can spend the subsequent years seeking to fill a gap that cannot be satisfied.

Sarah* began therapy following a painful breakup. She was broken and rejected by her fiancé David*, a man she had hoped would be her husband. Sara described David as “perfect”–smart, successful, independent, and most of all, caring and considerate. However, Sarah had a hard time trusting people. She would constantly doubt herself and seek reassurance from others around her. Despite this, no amount of support or encouragement was ever enough. She was constantly vulnerable to others’ opinions of her, and in her mind, she always fell short of expectations. Early on in the relationship, David made every attempt to assure Sarah and satisfy this need for acceptance. However, he soon began to realize that the demand was too large to fill. He eventually became frustrated in his inability to make her feel cared for, and just as she had anticipated all along, he finally rejected her.

People spend a lot of time in therapy seeking to understand why they cannot form successful and lasting relationships. Often the problems they encounter with one partner repeat themselves with another. One might wonder: Do I attract the wrong type of people? Is it me? Is it them? For Sarah, it was hard to accept that she was actually taught from the earliest age how to love and how to be loved. It is difficult to recognize that when a relationship consistently yields disappointment, it is mostly because we are very good learners, replaying early lessons of love with each and every relationship we pursue. In our sessions, Sarah described how her failed attempt to build a lasting relationship with David was, in fact, a recurring problem that had presented itself with various other people in her life. Sarah explained that ultimately she sought therapy to address why people reject her and why “no one really cares” for her the way she cares for others.

How Can Therapy Help?

Psychotherapy is first and foremost a relationship.  Once a client begins treatment, the relationship immediately takes hold. A client who had experienced a warm and nurturing early bond can make use of a therapist who is caring and empathic, and will look to that connection as a source of support. However, someone who is consistently suspicious of connecting to others will view this relationship as just another of the same, and will interpret interactions with a most critical eye. The therapist can do no good, and even if there is good, it is too little, never enough.

When a therapist is put into this position, he or she immediately understands the significance of what is taking place. Therapy becomes the outlet for working through the difficult feelings and associations in a special protected space. The therapy space is unique because it is only there that a patient can say everything on his mind without the risk of rejection–a risk that is all too real with the other relationships in his life.

For Sarah, our safe protected therapy space allowed for a special type of working through. Slowly, she was able to overcome the pain of a failed early relation and begin, for the first time, to experience something more nurturing. Her expectations for relationships began to shift toward more realistic aims, and she began to allow herself to trust in others instead of pushing them away. Something new became possible and she started to relate to others in a different way.

This, indeed, is the hope for therapy. One cannot undo the past, but just the same, does not have to be condemned to repeat it.