Dear Readers,

Welcome to the newest edition of Mind, Body & Soul. Its theme is Surviving and Thriving. In this issue, we consider the lifelong journey from simply surviving to actually thriving. 

Sara Teichman points us toward a form of empathy that supports our children when they face bullying and teasing. Rachel Roshenholtz reminds us to model resilience for our children.

Eitan Zerykier provides us with tools and meditations to get “unstuck” and thrive.  Pamela Siller presents several developmental models for thriving, most of which highlight a foundation of loving, nurturing relationships.

Douglas Balin helps the newly retired—those who are presumably less busy—identify activities and goals that can add meaning to their lives.  Dodi Lamm encourages those who, for too long, have been too busy—typically, in meeting the needs of others—to introduce self-care into their daily routines.

I’d like to focus on the relational dimension of thriving. More specifically, how might we measure the health-promoting interactions between members of a thriving relationship?

I’d like to suggest three interlocking markers of a thriving relationship. Each one measures how its members relate to one another, particularly in the context of time spent together. The markers are anticipation, presence, and apprehension. (I’ll share my definition of “apprehension” over the course of the article.)

In order to appreciate the significance of each marker, let’s consider what happens in their absence. When I’m in a relationship that is not thriving, but simply in survival mode, I’m rarely thinking in advance about the person with whom I’m meeting. I may not have even put much thought into the meeting itself. Once I’m with the other person, I’m not fully present. I may be multi-tasking or responding to every ping of my phone. Most importantly, I’ve not taken the time to consider the other person’s needs, intentions and preferences.

In a thriving relationship, though, each member is looking forward, with some degree of anticipation, both to the content of the meeting and to being in the presence of the other. Moreover, while at the meeting, each member is typically making themselves accessible. Other activities are largely put on hold, for the duration of the meeting.

Lastly, each member is willing, at some level, to apprehend the personhood of the other member. This means recognizing and accepting that the other person is not identical to them—that the other person has their own needs, intentions, and preferences. They have their own style of problem solving and their own expectations. Being willing to apprehend someone else’s personhood means accepting, and perhaps even celebrating, the ways in which the two of you differ.  

Up until now, I’ve only described the signs of a thriving relationship. What if your relationship is just surviving, but not yet thriving? Is it possible to improve the quality of your relationship? I believe the answer is “yes.” I’d like to prescribe 3 relatively simple exercises that bring us closer to thriving.

1. Anticipation: Give yourself two minutes before you meet with someone significant to you. Imagine what your life would be like if they were not, in any way, a part of it. Hold onto that thought. Now use your imagination to allow that person to reenter your life. How does that feel? If your relationship is basically healthy, you will experience anticipation in meeting them.
2. Presence: Make a conscious decision to keep distractions to a minimum over the course of your meeting. Keep your phone in your pocket. Try to resolve any questions or calculations not related to the meeting ahead of time. Pay attention to your own senses in the presence of the other. What do you notice about their appearance? Do they have a special scent or touch? Also, pay attention to the words you use, the thoughts you think, and the emotions you feel.
3. Apprehension: Take a moment to consider in what way this person is different from you. How might their priorities be different than yours? How might their needs not be the same as yours? In what manner might their intentions be dissimilar to yours? Take a deep breath and consider how you can honor all of this, even as you attend to your own priorities, needs and intentions.

There are actually subtle risks involved in performing these exercises.  What if you render yourself more anticipating, more present, and more appreciative of the otherness of the person you are meeting, but they don’t do the same for you?  Might you feel rebuffed, rejected, abandoned?  Might the series of small choices you made earlier—choices that led to relational distance—have been predicated on the other person being less available, when you had needed them? These are fair questions.

Ideally, we can access the resilience and patience with which to gently share our own expectations and vision for the relationship. This serves as an invitation to the other to become more present alongside us.  In a thriving relationship each member exhibits a tendency toward the markers of anticipation, presence, and apprehension, even if they are not able to achieve it on every single encounter.

A thriving relationship is not limited to the interpersonal realm. You can adapt the above exercises to deepen your relationship with Hashem. For example, a few minutes before davening, consider what it would be like were you not to have the daily opportunity to connect with Hashem. Try your best to shut out outside distractions, ideally even a few minutes ahead of davening. Be prepared to pay attention to a larger than usual slice of tefillah, its words and meaning.  If you are entering a shul, pause and take in any features of the shul that are uplifting. Lastly, picture being in the presence of Hashem; this includes imagining not just Hashem’s expectations of you, but also Hashem’s hopes, wishes and longing for you.

Thriving happens within people and between people.  It can even extend to our relationship with the Divine.