We’ve all been there. A loved one says “sorry” and we feel uneasy and confused. On one hand, it seems ungracious to refuse an apology; on the other, the apology feels empty and insincere. Because the other person has apologized, he feels that the matter is closed. So, unsettled as we may feel, we let it go… and the resentment begins to build.

For those readers who have trouble recognizing this pattern, visit any schoolyard in the world. Listen to the grudging “I’m sorry” mumbled out of one child’s mouth, and watch the wounded retreat, unsatisfied and resentful.

What’s wrong with this picture? What are we missing?

Let’s face it. A mumbled apology–at times muttered under duress–is plainly insufficient. What is missing is the key element of any apology: repair. It is only when there is a mechanism for repair that we can redress the insults and hurts that we all too often visit on the ones we love. It is only with repair that the apology is real.

Repair, that missing link, is our conveying in both words and deeds that we truly regret hurting the other. It is crucial that we somehow manage to communicate that we are truly sorry and will make every effort to repair the damage we have caused. We also need to express our intention not to repeat our actions. Our responsibility to “fix” things far exceeds the requirement of the wounded to forgive.

 The process of apology/repair begins with our ability to have empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel as if you are in the other’s place, “to walk a mile in the other’s shoes.” Empathy is essential here, lest we fall into the trap of: I wouldn’t mind if my brother “borrowed” my jacket, so why should he make such a big deal when I take his?

Empathy validates the next person’s right to be an individual, to feel and react in a way that is unique to him alone. It means an absence of our judging another’s feelings and reactions, and deciding what constitutes a wrong and what does not. Empathy is about respecting the other person’s right to have feelings that we cannot even imagine. Empathy obviates the need for our agreement or seal of approval on someone else’s emotions. Having empathy is respectful: I may not know what you feel, but I will try to understand it. And I respect that you do, indeed, feel this way.

Once we have developed empathy and recognize that we have hurt another, we need to acknowledge that fact and begin our repair.

Repair is a two-step process:

1. Communication: Both in the verbal [words] and the non-verbal [body language], we need to show that we understand [empathize] how the other person feels and that we are sorry for causing pain. A direct apology [no excuses, extenuating circumstances, or counter-attacks] that specifies where we have gone amiss, and our sincere regret over that lapse are in order. Direct eye contact, full focus on the other person [no reading or fiddling with stuff] is the order of the day.

A simple “I’m sorry” is unacceptable. We school our children to name their crime and say, ”I am sorry for ripping your paper, or losing your toy.” As adults, we also want to give a full apology to show that we understand precisely where we went wrong. This also insures that we are talking about the same thing and thus prevents misunderstandings.

Chaim is often late, which is frustrating to his wife. They have agreed that when Chaim is more than ten minutes late, he will call and give Toby, his wife, the heads-up. On Sunday night, Chaim gets sidetracked at shul, forgets to call, and comes home an hour late. Toby is upset and asks why he didn’t call her. Chaim rushes into apology mode and apologizes for being late. At this point, Toby clarifies for him that she is not upset by his lateness [well, not very], but by his failure to keep his agreement and call and let her know. 

2. Action: Repair requires behavior change that shows that we understand where the breakdown is and are determined not to repeat our mistake. Unfortunately, the ubiquitous flowers or chocolate don’t cut it; they are more like a bandage over an open wound. Repair has to be some kabbalah, concrete action, or change in behavior, no matter how small. There is no one size fits all–but we want to tailor the repair to the offense.

For the husband who “forgets” a commitment, it might be a decision to always put his partner’s requests in writing–and a commitment to check his list daily.

Or for the wife who explodes in anger and embarrasses her husband, a decision to take an anger management class, or perhaps consider therapy.

Sometimes, unfortunately, we keep re-injuring the other party by a behavior that is habitual to us, like being overly blunt or chronically messy or late. Such situations are very complex and require far more attention than is possible to cover in the scope of this article. In the best-case scenario, extensive discussions and negotiations may help work out some truce acceptable to both parties. But at the end of the day, we always want to be mindful that there are just so many tears that a relationship can bear. If you are stuck in the pattern of offend/apologize, consider getting some professional help. Your sholom bayis, and that of your children, may well depend on it.

Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles/Beverly Hills. Email any questions or comments to sara.teichman@etta.org.