We are good at keeping ourselves busy. We read, talk, and listen. We do things. We go from one thing to another. We are rarely not doing something. You know this already. And if you don’t, you have probably sensed it.

You have sensed it subtly when you reach for your phone in the elevator, or in the car, or on the subway when you finally get service.  You have sensed it before you turn on the radio, or make a phone call, or open the computer. You have sensed it in the faint discomfort that you feel when you are at your default position.

What a shame this is. What a shame that we cover our discomfort with talking, with noise, with doing. What a shame that we numb our sense of self so.

What a shame that when left to our own devices, we lift our devices.

I’m sure you know where this is going, but give it a try for just a minute: sit and do nothing. Can you do that? Maybe even try it for five minutes. If you’re like most, you will find that difficult.

And what a shame that is. What a shame that we can’t be alone with ourselves. What a shame that we are that uncomfortable just being.

I say shame because that is what this is about. Shame is how we feel about ourselves. It is the opposite of self esteem.

If you don’t like someone, you’re not going to want to be with them. And we don’t like ourselves very much.

No wonder we would do anything at all to avoid being alone with ourselves.

The good news is that we can learn to like ourselves. Some of that is working on our self esteem. And some of that is some good old friendship time. Take some time to get to know yourself!

You may discover things about yourself that you don’t like. You may discover new and exciting aspects of yourself. There’s no way to know in advance. Either way, it’s worth while. And especially if there are things about you that you don’t like, it’s high time you learned to live with yourself. It’s like being permanently stuck with a terrible roommate. Learn to coexist, or be miserable.

I use this work with many of my clients. One client recently reported that he had discovered, in getting to know himself, that he liked talking to himself in the mirror. Now he practices saying kind words to himself every morning, and feels a lot better about himself for it.

More self esteem. Less shame.

If you’re having trouble with this, you may have more shame than you know. Call a mental health professional. There’s no shame in that.

Recommended Reading: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com. 

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