Our Gemara on Amud Aleph considers the modesty practices of Torah sages, noting that they often avoid paying close attention to a woman’s appearance. Therefore, it advises:

Abaye said: A Torah scholar who goes to betroth a woman should take an Am Haaretz (common folk, non-learned person) with him to establish a positive identity of the woman. Otherwise, people might exchange another woman for her when given to him for marriage, taking advantage of his innocence.

The Rambam, in Laws of Forbidden Relations (21:3) and even more pointedly in his commentary on Mishna Sanhedrin (7:4), states that it is permitted—and even proper—for a man to observe and notice a woman proposed to him for marriage to ensure he finds her appearance attractive. He emphasizes that this is not merely allowed but is the appropriate practice, followed even by those scrupulous in their piety and adherence to Torah.

The Raavad (ibid) disagrees with the Rambam’s assertion that this practice is proper for a pious sage. He cites our Gemara, which implies that a particularly refined and ascetic individual might refrain from scrutinizing the appearance of a woman proposed to him for marriage. Otherwise, why would there be a concern about switching the betrothed woman and the need for a shrewd commoner to join the process? However, the Magid Mishneh (ibid) defends the Rambam’s position, offering a nuanced explanation of our Gemara. Even though the Torah sage performs due diligence and examines his prospective match to ensure her attractiveness, he might still be unsophisticated in the matter of looking at women. Consequently, someone unscrupulous could later switch his betrothed with another woman, and he might not realize it. Therefore, he brings along an Am Haaretz wingman to guard against deception.

A more challenging question on the Rambam arises from a famous Aggadah about Avraham, who, according to the Midrash, did not notice Sarah’s beauty until they were about to enter Egypt (Bava Basra 16a):

Abraham did not even look at his own wife, as it is written: “Now I know that you are a beautiful woman” (Genesis 12:11). One may infer from the word “now” that initially, he did not know how beautiful she was because he had not gazed at her out of extreme modesty.

This suggests a higher standard for the ascetic sage to emulate Avraham by refraining from carefully observing his wife’s appearance, before marriage—and even after.

Some attempt to resolve this by suggesting that only someone of Avraham’s exceptional level could maintain such modesty, as he might not even notice his wife’s beauty after marriage. Such a person might not feel the need to examine her appearance before marriage because she won’t be comparing her to anyone else anyhow. However, this argument has its weaknesses. The story itself demonstrates that life’s circumstances ultimately caused Avraham to notice Sarah’s beauty. If she had not been attractive to him, what then? This underscores the Rambam’s point: one cannot rely on piety alone to avoid the realities of human relationships, as life is complex and situations change.

Alternatively, the answer might be that individuals on Avraham’s extraordinary level of piety are exceedingly rare. As such, there was no need to codify this level of behavior in the Gemara or Halacha. These unique individuals would know their own spiritual status and could trust in Divine providence to ensure that whomever they chose would always appear beautiful to them—perhaps even objectively beautiful, as with Avraham and Sarah. Thus, the Rambam held that even great sages should not assume they are exempt from the need to marry someone attractive to their eyes, acknowledging the normal human needs and dynamics of intimate relationships.

While discussing this, it is worth noting a fascinating interpretation by the Baal Shem Tov (Lech Lecha). Regardless of whether we follow the Rambam or the Raavad, according to the Midrash, Avraham achieved a spiritual asceticism that allowed him to focus on Sarah’s inner beauty without concern for her physical attractiveness. If so, why does Avraham suddenly notice her beauty before entering Egypt?

The simple explanation is practical: Avraham, recognizing the lack of sexual boundaries in Egypt, needed to appraise his wife’s appearance objectively for their safety. Avraham was pious but not naïve about human nature and the Egyptian proclivities. Alternatively, Divine providence might have arranged for him to notice her beauty at this moment.

However, the Baal Shem Tov offers a profound insight. He explains that entering Egypt, a land of moral laxity, represented a spiritual descent for Avraham as well. Even though this descent was for the purpose of elevating the holy sparks and inspiring others, it was still a descent. As a result, Avraham experienced an awareness of lust and desire on his level, triggered by his entry into this environment. This teaches a powerful lesson about the influence of our surroundings and culture on our perceptions, feelings, and behavior

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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