Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses situations where an Odom Chashuv, that is a dignified scholar, must take certain stringencies upon himself over the regular folk. Throughout Shas this term is used to signify a person of some status that confers an additional level of responsibility.

There is an interesting Gemara in Kiddushin which uses the term Odom Choshuv in a different light. The Maharal uses this as a springboard for a discussion about the ethics of accepting or refusing gifts.

First let us study the Gemara and then we will delve into the Maharal. One of the methods of effecting the bonds of marriage is via the groom gifting to the bride an object of value. The Gemara (Kiddushin 7a) discusses a situation where it is reversed. What if the woman gave the man an object of value, and said “I am betrothed to you by this gift “? Is this some kind of egalitarian ceremony in the Talmud? No. The Gemara however considers that she might be indeed married because she received the pleasure of giving a gift. The Gemara concludes that if he is an Odom Choshuv, the honor bestowed upon the giver is considered an object of value and thus effectuates Kiddushin. Think of giving a gift to Rav Kanievsky or Lehavdil the president, knowing he will display it prominently in his home. The giving itself becomes the honor.

That’s as far as the Gemara is concerned. The Maharal (Nesivos Olam, Nesiv Osher) discusses the ethics of receiving versus not receiving gifts. Though there is a teaching based on a verse in Mishley (15:27) “He that hates gifts shall live”, and certain rabbis were careful to never accept gifts  (Chulin 44b), there is an exception to this precept. The Maharal says that when you accept a gift not for your own aggrandizement but in order to allow the other person to feel good, this is like the gifts Elisha accepted from his hosts.

I have found in some relationships, one spouse is resistant to taking; whether it’s compliments, love or gifts. There is an unconscious fear of becoming vulnerable, needy or indebted. For many, it is a defensive reaction to emotional or physical deprivations of childhood. But to have a good relationship and allow your spouse to feel connected to you, and of value to you, you need to allow yourself to receive.  It also is good for your own ability to bond and engage in intimacy.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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