Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the concept of עוסק המצוה פטור מין המצוה one who is involved in a mitzvah is exempted from another mitzvah. One matter that comes up is that a groom, who on the night of his wedding is involved in the mitzvah of consummation of the marriage, and therefore is also exempt from the obligation to recite the Shema. There is a need for a special scriptural exemption for the groom because unlike other mitzvos, his mental state requires no action. That is, His preoccupation and preparation for consummating the marriage is not an action such as traveling or performing a mitzvah, rather it is an engrossment in what he is about to do rather than his action that exemption from the obligation. Yet, based on Rashi and Ran, he is still exempt and this is what the extra verse teaches us.

I don’t think the wedding night is treated seriously enough by both modern and more insular communities within orthodoxy. Imagine one Pesach night you were told by Elijah the prophet that it is a Mitzvah to eat ham and cheese on rye instead of matzah and marror. Which normal person could eat this without choking? How can we expect normal young men and women to transition In one night from considering sexuality to be forbidden to it being considered a special mitzvah? This is what young grooms and brides are up against. While many manage to go to this experience Well enough, others have extreme difficulty. Men can experience impotence, and women vaginismus. Sometimes these are temporary hiccups, but if they are not handled well they can infuse a sex life with aversion and anxiety for years. Months of suffering and trips to professionals could be averted by recognizing that this transition is difficult and that some need more time than others to adjust. Unlike some some Chosson and Kallah teachers of today’s times, the rabbis of the Talmud understood full well what challenges the groom and bride were facing. It requires a full mental and emotional focus that is not respected enough in our modern hustle bustle world. A chosson and Kallah need time without interruption, explicit guidance and support, to prepare for what is to come.

In addition, healthy sex education, that is attitudes toward the body and one’s responsibilities to self, other and God in relation to sex does not begin the wedding day, nor even during engagement.  Just as any other character quality must be taught from the early moments of life to prepare for marriage, so too parents, above all, are invested with the responsibility to teach healthy halakhic attitudes so that the wedding night is the beautiful, joyous experience it was meant to be.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)