Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses the nature of the Blessing over Eirusin (betrothal). According to one opinion, the blessing is a simple one without a concluding blessing.  According to another opinion, the blessing has a closing benediction.  The Gemara suggests the basis of the dispute is about whether we compare the betrothal blessing to a blessing on food or mitzvos, which are short and do not conclude with a blessing, or it is compared to Kiddush, which has a concluding blessing.

Rashi explains that blessings on mitzvos or food are non-complex and have one basic idea, the expression of thanksgiving; either gratitude for the pleasure or for the mitzvah. While Kiddush also involves requests and other prayers, is lengthy, and therefore requires a concluding blessing to wrap up the prose.

I believe that behind this discussion there is a dispute about emotional intimacy versus sexual intimacy.  It is known that some people achieve closeness and intimacy via sexuality.  Indeed sexual intercourse and orgasm causes the release of oxytocin, the bonding and nursing hormone which makes people feel euphoric but also connected.  The Gemara (Shabbos 152a, see Rashi “mesim shalom”) refers the male sexual organ as “the peacemaker in the home.”  However, others feel they must have emotional intimacy first, in order to feel close through sexual intimacy.  I am suggesting that the opinion that conceptualizes the betrothal blessing as a thanksgiving blessing sees the pathway of intimacy in marriage best achieved via the pleasures of sexuality. And the opinion that the betrothal blessings are more similar to Kiddush, a declaration of sanctification, conceptualize marital intimacy as achieved via holiness and emotional bonding.

Although the emotional intimacy-sexual intimacy dynamic is typically divided along gender lines, with men preferring sexual intimacy as the route to emotional intimacy and women the reverse, there are a significant minority of marriages where the opposite is true. One spouse may feel used or wanted only for their body.  Another spouse may feel unfairly deprived or that he or she has to constantly beg or chase for sex. Interstingly, I have found one situation where consistently there is gender and role reversal, where all of the sudden, the male feels used for his body, and the female chases sex with single-minded determination, and sometimes intense lust.  That is when there is a desire to conceive, especially if there are fertility challenges.  The man will be told, “Honey, you gotta come home now.  I’m ovulating and we cannot miss this window. “ All of the sudden the guy complains that he feels used, and sometimes even struggles to get an erection.  This is humbling because it shows that many of the so-called differences between genders about sexual desire or even conceptions about intimacy are less innate and more based on circumstance and internal narrative.  

Of course, patience, empathy, love, collaboration and respect is necessary between the sexes in order to negotiate the various disparities that come up to achieve the optimal harmony and satisfaction. 

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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