Our Gemara on amud beis laments the sad state of affairs during the Biblical Era of the Judges

And further, with regard to Rabbi Elazar’s statement in the baraisa that the generation of the judging of the Judges was one of vanity, Rabbi Yoḥanan says: What is the meaning of that which is written: “And it happened in the days of the judging of the Judges” (Ruth 1:1)? This indicates a generation that judged its judges. If a judge would say to the defendant standing before him: Remove the splinter from between your eyes, meaning rid yourself of some minor infraction, the defendant would say to him: Remove the beam from between your eyes, meaning you have committed far more severe sins. 

The Gemara is describing a toxic relational trait of defensiveness, whereby when a person is confronted about an issue, instead of considering it on its merits, just throws another similar complaint back at the person.  This freezes discussion, reflection, and problem solving and causes resentments in relationships to deepen.  The renowned marriage researcher and psychologist John Gottman considered defensiveness to be one of the most destructive traits in marriage, and  if not corrected, a strong predictor of eventual divorce. Gottman states (“Seven principles For Making Marriage Work” Crown Publishers, Inc. New York): 

“Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You're saying, in effect, "The problem isn't me, it's you." Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly.”

Many people avoid bringing up complaints when things are going well to avoid conflict, and therefore there is a strong urge to throw all your complaints on the person once they start with theirs.  The angry rationale is, “Well, I was ignoring and forgiving my resentments (obviously not, Ha!), but now that you are bringing up yours, I have twice as many back at you!”

What is the antidote?  What if you are frustrated and really believe you are right and your spouse is wrong?  (Seriously, don’t we all feel that way?).  Keep in mind this one rule: You do not have to agree with someone to take what is said under consideration.  If your spouse brings up a complaint do not counter it with your own complaints. Instead listen and consider it on its own merits. Own what you did wrong. If you do not believe yourself to be wrong, clarify your intentions without referencing the other person’s sins or misdeeds. Ask if that clarification resolves the issue or there still are other concerns.  Make sure that once a complaint is voiced it is taken seriously and considered with fresh eyes.  If you ultimately disagree, make sure that you are at least able to see it through the other person’s eyes and convey compassion and respect for why the person feels upset.

Just as you must wait many hours between fleishik and Milchiks, so too you must wait between your spouse's complaint and yours.  You could have brought up your complaint at any time, but you did not. Now, that your spouse chose to bring up something, do not throw all your complaints at him or her. Wait your turn. 

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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