NEFESH: The International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals

The Problem of Religious Sexuality Education

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 2nd, 2020

As many of you know, one of the most important aspects of the work we do with couples and individuals, is treating the results and consequences of poor sexual education, as they manifest in adulthood. I don't treat kids or teens, but I've always wished parents had better resources for educating children in ways that would reduce some of the problems I see in my practice. I've lectured here and there on this topic, but I really wanted to create a …

Totally Grossed Out by Private Parts

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 3rd, 2020

Please Note: This post contains explicit content, is for mature readers only, and may be triggering for survivors of trauma. Fay and her husband, Alex, have a nice relationship- for the most part. They can share deeply and laugh together, support one another, and work out differences that arise respectfully and amicably. In the bedroom too, they enjoy cuddling and kissing. But when the foreplay gets more erotic, and especially when they become mo …

He was both happy and horrified

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 7th, 2023

*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead: You know that feeling of scary relief? Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident? Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute? …

Assessing Your Relationship

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 9th, 2017

On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and deman …

Better Prep for Wedding Night and Beyond

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 9th, 2020

More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy: Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so cult …

Problems with the Rebbe

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 13th, 2022

This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …

Talking About Marital Consent and Rape with Bracha Bard Wigdor

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 14th, 2021

Confronting the Less Popular Sexual Sins: A Shovavim Plea Sexual sins are possibly the most interesting of sins. There are few transgressions more titillating, more shamed, and more taboo than those having to do with succumbing to desires of the flesh. During this time of the Jewish calendar, some communities have a custom to focus on atoning for sins in the realm of sexual immorality. Some examples I’ve heard are reviewing th …

Sacrificing Souls on the Altar Of Tzniyus

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 18th, 2022

In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …

What If My B'show Was Wrong?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 3rd, 2019

What if my b’show didn’t work? This post will undoubtedly elicit strong reactions from readers on both sides of this issue. I want to preempt that I realize some, even many couples successfully meet, marry, and build families using the b’show system of mate selection, and go on to live happily ever after. When that happens, it is very fortunate. The following piece is a reflection of and a message to those individuals for whom i …

The Problem with Labeling Pedophilia as a "Sickness"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 4th, 2022

Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …

Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 6th, 2019

Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help Every year around this time, I wonder if this will be the year I try and “do something about it.” These are the weeks we call Shovevim Tat, the weeks that some communities choose to focus on the area of sexual holiness and holy sexuality. Some will take the opportunity to discuss the pornography epidemic, others to double down on the nidda laws, and still other …

I am a Jew, and Here Are My Plans for World Domination

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 19th, 2020

Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are. I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess. Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor. My own agenda for world domination begins with education. I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learni …

Was My Kid Brainwashed in Seminary?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 20th, 2022

*This originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times Dear Elisheva, Our oldest daughter just returned home from her year in Israel. It’s not that I mind her becoming more religious. We expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to seminary. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. Sh …

"What's the point of sex anyway?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 27th, 2022

It usually happens some time in the middle of a session. We’ll be discussing a couple’s intimate life, and I can see the consternation building on the woman’s face. Eventually, she’ll just say something like: “Can I ask a funny question? Like… what’s the point of sex anyway?” When working with clients who are dealing with sexual aversion, the question of: & …

On Teaching Kids about the Birds and the Bees

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 28th, 2017

Teaching Children about “The Birds and the Bees” By: Elisheva Liss LMFT There are, essentially, only two ways for kids to hear about sex: their parents, and Someplace Else. While that “someplace else” may be any one of a number of sources, what those sources tend to share is a lack of parental input. Whether it’s the school bus, sleepaway camp, a dirty joke, a teacher, or a predator- chances are, if it doesn’t …

Our Broken Homes: Pornography in the Holy of Holies

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 29th, 2020

This week, we sit shiva for our shattered world. This week we mourn our broken homes. Our temple was destroyed, and even now we continue to watch the walls burn around us. The Churban didn’t just happen millennia ago, but we are taught by Chazal that the damage is ongoing. Hatred, strife, and ignorance fan the flames of destruction, pain, abandonment, and abuse. We don’t see the fire and violence engulfing the actual Temple tod …

The Unconsummated Couple

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 2nd, 2023

The Unconsummated Couple They present for therapy with so much shame, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes each other, or just one of them, often feeling like they’re the only ones who can’t “figure this out.” They are the “unconsummated.” The couples who got married with little or no prior sexual experience, often inadequate or inaccurate p …

"I Used to Rape My Wife

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 3rd, 2020

Gittel and Shuey have been married for almost 10 years. They get along fairly well, and are kept busy with their three little ones and their demanding jobs. They’ve come to discuss the ostensible problem of Gittel’s low libido. “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong,” Shuey began. “I try different ways to give her pleasure, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to enjoy. Her body doesn&rsq …

Is p-rnography use considered cheating on a partner?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 5th, 2023

Is Using P-rnography Considered Cheating on a Partner? Let’s consider this changed-to-protect-writer’s-identity question, as a springboard to address some issues that arise for couples around this subject: “I recently found p-rnographic material downloaded on my husband’s laptop. I wasn’t looking for it; we just often use whichever laptop is around to check email …

Please DON'T Fake It Til You Make It

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 9th, 2019

Several years ago, I had been invited to an event that also featured a talk for kallah teachers, giving by a woman who trains them. At the end, she entertained some questions from the audience. One young Rebbetzin raised her hand: “What should I tell a girl, who after 7-8 months of marriage is feeling no physical pleasure with her husband at all? She even finds the whole thing unpleasant..” A few other women looked up and nodded, thei …

Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 12th, 2018

The Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Suicide has been getting a lot of attention in the news lately, due to some high profile cases. Shortly before that, the second season of the controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why was recently released on Netflix. The show spotlights some heavy issues like violence, suicide contagion, mandated reporting, bullying, sexual harassment, assault and rape, institutional e …

"Do You Ever Just Cuddle?" A Powerful Tip for Marital Inimacy Improvement

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 14th, 2019

“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?” Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration: “I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s …

The Nation who Wanted to Die

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 15th, 2023

“We wish we had died! We wish we had died!” Cry out the people who personally experienced miraculous salvation. “If only we had died in Egypt, or in the desert…” They were afraid of potential war in Kanaan, but it still doesn’t seem logical. They’d prefer to have certainly perished in Egypt or the desert, over the possibility of death OR the possibility of victory and freedom in the Promised Land? How is …

More Attempts to Reduce Abuse this Summer

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 20th, 2019

Another Short but Critical Pre-camp Parental Safety Talk

By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT As we label the socks and pack up the duffels, we scan the emails about the “pre-camp safety talks” and try to arm our kids with a specific type of personal awareness. Our communities have, thankfully, been making progress in the area of educating children towards body boundaries, good vs inappropriate touch, reporting to safe adults, and ge …

No Camp?! What Are We Supposed to Do??

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 21st, 2020

Are you one of the many parents who thought they were finally going to get a much-needed break from 24/7 parenting by sending your kids to summer programs, only to find out that now you’re not? Families are scrambling and pivoting plans each day, as the news from the summer programs trickles out and keeps changing. In case this all hasn’t been stressful enough. Last week, I was excited to pre-launch my Intro to Homeschooling course, w …

Defunding the Police with Korach

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 25th, 2020

When Korach Tried to Defund the Police As a kid, I remember secretly identifying with Korach’s thinking. Didn’t he just want equality? A place at the table? Was that so bad? Who decides who gets to be in charge? Why can’t there be committees and dialogue about roles? Even to this day, there is a part of me that bucks against authority, rules, and structured hierarchy. In middle school, we once had one of those situations where …

Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 26th, 2018

The Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates By: Elisheva Liss LMFT “About how often would you guys say you are physically intimate?” This question is part of my standard couple intake session, even if the clients have not specifically said they ware coming to work on their sexual relationship. The answer helps me understand a little about what is percolating beneath the surface of the stuff that is easier to discuss, or seems more pressi …

Broken Tablets, Broken Hearts

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 27th, 2021

A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …

What if You Cheated on Your Spouse?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2020

Infidelity Dilemma The following story was shared with me by an acquaintance who: Is not a therapy client of mine Specifically asked me to publicize the story, for reasons that will become clear Is not identifiable due to changed details Aviva finds herself in a painfully difficult situation. She did something wrong and she’s feeling awful. First: some background: Aviva is a 32 year old wife, mom, and teacher. She loves her husband and ch …

Fighting About Having a Baby

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2021

It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise: How do you decide when to start trying for a baby? How many kids should we have? When do we stop having ki …

How Do You Take Your Torah?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 6th, 2019

“I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the …

"My Kid 'Frummed Out' in Israel- Should I Be Glad or Concerned?" 7 Talking Points for Parents

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 7th, 2018

My Kid “Frummed out” in Israel: Should We be Glad or Concerned? Seven Talking Points for Parents By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT “It’s not that I mind Rachel becoming more religious; we expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to Israel for the year. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore, …

Preparing to Reopen a Post-trauma World

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 8th, 2020

Well- it seems like it's finally happening; after all these surreal days and weeks and months. But how do we prepare for a post-traumatic stress-flavored world? With all the talk about reopening, we still find ourselves just as torn and conflicted as we’ve been for the past three months. (With an ideological civil war to ice the cake on the Pandemic.) The only consistent theme of this COVID19 era is perhaps the inconsistency of it. The lack …

National Trauma: A Message from Zachor and Amalek

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 14th, 2019

Trauma, Repression, and Obsession: A Lesson from Zachor and Amalek When terrible things happen, it’s natural to react intensely. It can be a tremendous challenge to move beyond the event and forward into “regular life”. Two extreme coping mechanisms include obsession and repression. Obsession is when our minds become preoccupied with the experience to the point where it takes up more brain space than we want it to, and in …

The Benefits of Virtual Sessions

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 16th, 2020

One of the many ripple effects of the coronavirus is that at this time when people need more emotional support than usual, mental health professionals have been advised to try and do our therapy sessions virtually, on video or phone, rather than live. This is causing some distress for clinicians and clients alike. Live sessions offer obvious advantages, such as the intangible energy in the room between two real humans, and the ambience of a profe …

"I Was Molested by my Brother but Neither of Us Knew It"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 17th, 2021

Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse. *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.* “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …

Spiritual Encouragement For the Home Bound

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 18th, 2020

A Homeschooling Thought For the Homebound at This Time Every year, around this time, I wonder why these two parshas are necessary. As it is, the amount of technical detail described in Terumah and Tetzaveh regarding the construction of the temporary sanctuary are difficult to relate to our personal lives. But then to rehash for another two sedras, could seem excessive.. At the moment, we are experiencing an unprecedented shut-down of commu …

Struggling With G-d in Turbulent Times

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 20th, 2020

“These are the times that try men’s souls.” – Thomas Paine One of the many ripple effects of the current health crisis, is the challenge of faith. Many religious individuals are saying and writing sentiments to the effects of: “Now is when our love of G-d and His goodness will carry us through.” It’s where the more secularly inclined will take comfort in other ways. But what we are hearing from many who d …

How to Run Family Meetings

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 22nd, 2020

Family Think Tank Meetings So we find ourselves suddenly spending more time at home with our families than we ever have before. Trying to juggle parenting, schooling, extra meal prep and housework, working from home, and managing the ever-changing health crisis, with little knowledge or preparation. As parents, we often feel like we need to have clear answers and a definite plan when we’re honestly all learning as we go along. One tool that …

What To Teach Kids Right Now (and Always)

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 23rd, 2020

What if we covered a little less math, and instead teach kids what really counts. Less social studies, and more social skills. Less biology, and more health and wellness. Less chemistry and more communication. Less physics and more physical activity. Less literature and more loving kindness. Less political science, more personal growth. Less civics and government, and more social responsibility. Less computing and more compassion. Less language, …

Distance Learning During Coronavirus Crisis

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 23rd, 2020

I've been hearing from clients, colleagues, friends, and readers who are parents, and also from teachers, that they are struggling with the current schooling situation. With the new obligation to not only have kids around always, and enforce new strict health and distancing measures, but also comply with schools' attempts to translate classroom into distance learning. (It's not going great.) As a homeschooling family for several years, thi …

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts About Questions

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 25th, 2021

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …

Don't Worry About Your Kids "Falling Behind"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 29th, 2020

In the midst of all the other serious concerns of these Corona-days, we keep hearing from parents who are concerned about their kids “falling behind” in their schoolwork. This is sometimes fueled by (well-meaning but misguided) school-based educators, who are pressuring families to keep up with their modified “distance” version of classroom learning. For families who are doing well with that- remember to thank your teacher …

New Order of Priorities Now:

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 31st, 2020

Medical Safety of Your Family and Everyone Else- Community and the General Public Basic Necessities: Food, Toiletries, Hygiene, Household Supplies Psychological Safety of Your Family and Anyone for Whom You’re Responsible Emotional Well-Being of Your Family et al. Functionality of Your Family- Systems that Work FOR YOU and Each Family Member Making Money- You Know, Like to Feed Your Family and Stuff Creative and Contributive Outlets Social …

"Why won't my in-laws support us?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 8th, 2023

*This post originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My wife and I have been married for almost three years, and this issue has only gotten worse over that time. Baruch Hashem we get along really well when it comes to most things. But there’s one area where we disagree strongly, and I was hoping we could get your opinion. Both of our parents are good people, and we have great relationships with th …

A Simple Sexuality Education Message from The Megila

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 9th, 2020

One year, when I went to shul for megila reading, I was a few minutes early, so I stopped to watch the adorable costumed children running around. I saw many little girls dressed up as princesses, fairies and brides, and most of the little boys were pirates, robbers, and ninjas. Not a prince in sight. A preschool version of the “shidduch crisis.” Of course, that was a joke, but the metaphor might fit… If you ask any Yeshiva grad …

"Why Won't My Wife Dress Up For Me?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 9th, 2021

Some men say it with embarrassment, others with indignation or frustration, and still others in defeat: “I’m not trying to be demanding or controlling. But I really wish my wife would dress up for me once in a while. When we go out, in our bedroom, or just the way she presents herself in general. It’s not that I don’t think she’s naturally pretty- she really is and I tell her so. But I know a lot of women …

An Intimacy Dilemma

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy: Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together? Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat. Her: Fo …

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 13th, 2018

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Kayla (pseudonym) was referred to me a number of years ago, by her caring Rebbetzen and mentor, for what she described as a “very sensitive, urgent problem, of a sexual nature.” The following week, the poised, pleasant, 20 year old young woman showed up for intake and described her presenting problem as follows: “I know I look and sound like a normal person. But I …

Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 13th, 2019

Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …

Are You Starting to Lose it?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 14th, 2020

Are you struggling to maintain your sense of equilibrium while trying to navigate all the new demands and realities of the COVID19 crisis? Many people seem to be reporting a variety of challenges, so if you are, you’re very much not alone. Therapists are trying to share whatever knowledge we have about encouraging people to especially attend to our personal needs and psychological well-being. Taking care of yourself is a worthy goal in its …

Relationship Uncertainty

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column* Dear Elisheva, I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …

she secretly wished her husband would die...

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 1st, 2018

She secretly wished her husband would die…. By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Shaindy’s eyes filled before she lowered them to examine her lap. She had been feeling stuck and hopeless in her marriage for several years. She had carefully and deliberately chosen to remain for the sake of her children; her husband wasn’t dangerous or malicious. But she often found Mutty’s behavior toward her selfish, thoughtless, lazy, and dise …

I don't want to be a statistic!

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 21st, 2020

What’s the deal with humans as numbers? In my years at college and grad school, I was a pretty good student, but I did fail one course: statistics. (I passed it the second time around. My degrees are legit:) I didn’t fail because it was so hard (although it didn’t come naturally to my non-mathy brain.) I failed it because it was so dang boring to me, that I didn’t even put in the effort to learn it well enough. To this day …

"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 22nd, 2019

“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me” A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …

On Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 24th, 2018

Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Leah closes her eyes and pauses for a moment, then swallows. I’ve come to recognize this subtlety as a cue that something deeply personal and profound will follow. I cross my legs, trying to be patient and open, and refocus on her face. I didn’t record her exact words, and I wish I had, because she was honest, wise, clear, and calm, but below is my paraphrase o …

Racism and Rus-ism: Discrimination and Jewish Education

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 28th, 2020

Do you send your children to Yeshivas? If so, do you feel they get enough education about how to think about and interact with people who are different from them- religiously, socio-economically, and racially? I’m not asking because I know for sure whether they do- schools are all different and have their own priorities. I’m asking because as parents, I think it’s an important question to consider. Once again, more disturbing in …

Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 29th, 2018

Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws… by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Sima had ostensibly done everything “right”. She was a prototypical “aidel maidel”- a respectful daughter, a helpful sister, a caring friend, an obedient student, and then married “the right guy”. She said, and often believed, all the lovely comments that “good girls” were supposed to modestly opine. But in my office, the confidential te …

When Talmud Torah Becomes Avoda Zara

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 30th, 2019

There are certain memorable moments from sessions past that stay with me in vivid detail. It was a couple’s intake session years ago, and the husband (who I quickly learned was abusive) turned to his wife, and calmly explained his perspective: “Even the Gemara backs me up on this: You have to do what I say because you are my property. I bought and own you- like a slave or an animal. You don’t have a will of your own.” With …

Intimacy vs. Sex

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 6th, 2018

Intimacy vs. Sexual Activity By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The well-groomed young couple settled into the matching navy, velvet club chairs in my office, and glanced at one another. After a beat, the young woman turned to me, and gingerly proffered: “We’re here because we need to work on our intimacy.” “General intimacy, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy? Or all of the above?” I inquire. They look at each other, and …

What if I Can't Climax?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 7th, 2020

The phone rang, and a shy-sounding young woman introduced herself. “Hi. I’m not really sure if I need therapy. Could I tell you my issue, and you tell me if it’s ‘normal’?” (Too many people are worried about being ‘normal’ which is overrated, but that’s for another post.) “Sure,” I say. (I can be agreeable like that sometimes.) “Well, I got married a few months ago. We …

Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 9th, 2019

An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …

sexual abuse with no abuser

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 13th, 2017

Sexual Abuse with No Abuser By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Beila and Sruly (pseudonyms) are a handsome and charming couple in their 20’s. They were referred by Beila’s private therapist, for an unconsummated marriage, though they’ve been married for over a year. Beila’s severe case of genophobia and vaginismus had prevented any physical penetration or intercourse. In their first couple’s session they present as a ple …

Could we please stop telling girls that marrying a Yeshiva guy is the only way to get a good husband?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 26th, 2018

Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband? This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*: Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands. They also cannot guarantee good husbands. Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student. Not every …

"Am I Normal?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question: Am I normal? And it shows up in a variety of permutations: Is this normal? My history? My family? My thoughts, feelings, relationships? And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative: “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …

Rethinking the phrase "off the derech"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 2nd, 2017

Rethinking the Phrase: “Off the Derech” Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it. One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purpos …

"My Wife HATES Sex- What Should I do?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2019

My Wife Hates Sex- What Should I Do? Really glad you asked. It’s very painful for a man with a healthy libido to be in a marriage where he feels undesired and constantly rejected. Desire discrepancy can be an issue for any relationship, but when your partner never wants touch, there is often cumulative frustration and resentment on both ends. For many couples, sexual activity dates are few and far between, or even when the wives “agre …

Two Feelings: A Covid Perspective

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2020

When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …

A Separation Is Not Necessarily Step One to a Divorce

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 18th, 2020

Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …

"Don't even TOUCH it-" How making fake rules can lead to disaster: A Chinuch Message

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 31st, 2018

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Hi, folks. I’m going to deviate from my usual blogging style in today’s post. I generally open with a hypothetical or well-disguised case, and use the story as a springboard to highlight a relevant point. But today, I’m going to address you, my readers, directly, and speak about myself, kind of from deep in my soul-ish. I’m so gra …

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week's Parsha

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 5th, 2018

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi …

"Why Should I Pray for Life When I Would Actually Prefer to Die?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 6th, 2019

“This time of year is especially hard for me, but it’s actually always like this. I wake up in the morning, and I’m supposed to say ‘modeh ani’- thank you G-d, for giving me another day of life. And each day, when I open my eyes, that first short prayer is a struggle for me. I never asked to be born, and I don’t enjoy living. I try to do what I need to do, because I have responsibilities and people rely on me. …

The Clouds of Glory as a Message of Moderation

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2020

The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …

10 Ideas of What Not to Comment on when Spending Time with Extended Family (or Other Humans):

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2022

With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on: 1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to m …

It's all hevel... what?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …

Unsent Letter to my Orthodox Client before Rosh HaShana

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 14th, 2020

Dear _____, Well, it’s been quite a year. At this time, we have a custom to take interpersonal stock and make amends. Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts, feelings, and goals. It’s a privilege to work with you. I believe and hope we are accomplishing. Going to therapy involves courage and vulnerability, and I try to honor that, and treat it with care. But I’m a fallible human, and I need to apologize- for the t …

"How Do I Forgive the Teacher Who Hurt My Child?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 17th, 2020

“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …

Ballad of the Secretly Burnt Out Kollel Wife

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 18th, 2019

“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.” “I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.” “This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.” “As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.” “It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a ch …

When G-d as "Our Father" Conjures Nightmares Instead of Comfort

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 25th, 2019

“I appreciate my Rabbi so much, and I wanted to be inspired by the drasha, but I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. All I kept hearing was the father analogy: ‘G-d is our Father. Every father loves his children! Fathers want to see their children succeed!’ He meant to imply that Hashem is close to us, and operates in our best interest, but for me, it just brought up the flashbacks and pain of my past that I’ …