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Hegyon Libi
Elisheva Liss, LMFT A look at the commonly asked question: How often should couples be intimate? Data, Torah, and practical advice.
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Dealing with Overwhelm Right Now
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 9th, 2020

It’s September/ Elul, and children everywhere are yanking out their uniforms, knapsacks, paperwork, and supplies, packing up lunches and snacks, and getting ready to rejoin the classroom scene. Hustling out to the bus stop, or listening out for the carpool honk, or hopping on bikes, rushing to be on time for the morning bell. “Bye! Love you- have a great day; learn well!” (One of my favorite aspects of homeschooling is no longer …
Religiously Based Rape and its Devastating Repercussions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 5th, 2022

“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins. “My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.” What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship. She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relat …
Surviving Yom Tov Family Drama
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 30th, 2020

Hi:) It looks like we're going to have the quietest Sukkos we've ever had, here in the Liss house; hoping that next year we can safely host extended family as we usually do. But for those who might be getting together with relatives, kosher.com invited me to write this piece pre-empting some of the common issues that arise during this busy chagim get-togethers, so I wanted to share it here as well: https://www.kosher.com/lifestyle/10-tips-for-sur …
Confronting Happiness-Anxiety
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2018

Have you ever found that happiness sometimes brings fear? That often when we find, receive, or achieve something good, it’s almost like: “Wait- this is too good to be true… when does the other shoe drop?” Or maybe a questioning of “Do I really deserve this? What did I have to forfeit in order to luck out like this?” I’ve always struggled to understand the notion of happiness.  I remember (probably) …
Flavors of Forgiveness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2017

Flavors of Forgiveness: What to Do When It’s not “All Good”
A Simple Thought from Elisheva Liss, LMFT Welcome to the season of begging forgiveness. We run around apologizing, trying to let go of past resentments and obtain pardons for our own transgressions. For many of us, much of the time, this can be a simple, annual interpersonal cleansing, an apology-acceptance social ritual. It can feel great to dissipate some of th …
When G-d as "Our Father" Conjures Nightmares Instead of Comfort
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 25th, 2019

“I appreciate my Rabbi so much, and I wanted to be inspired by the drasha, but I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. All I kept hearing was the father analogy: ‘G-d is our Father. Every father loves his children! Fathers want to see their children succeed!’ He meant to imply that Hashem is close to us, and operates in our best interest, but for me, it just brought up the flashbacks and pain of my past that I’ …
Ballad of the Secretly Burnt Out Kollel Wife
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 18th, 2019

“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.” “I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.” “This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.” “As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.” “It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a ch …
"How Do I Forgive the Teacher Who Hurt My Child?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 17th, 2020

“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …
Unsent Letter to my Orthodox Client before Rosh HaShana
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 14th, 2020

Dear _____,   Well, it’s been quite a year. At this time, we have a custom to take interpersonal stock and make amends. Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts, feelings, and goals. It’s a privilege to work with you. I believe and hope we are accomplishing. Going to therapy involves courage and vulnerability, and I try to honor that, and treat it with care. But I’m a fallible human, and I need to apologize- for the t …
It's all hevel... what?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …
10 Ideas of What Not to Comment on when Spending Time with Extended Family (or Other Humans):
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 7th, 2022

With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on:       1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to m …
The Clouds of Glory as a Message of Moderation
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 7th, 2020

The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …
"Why Should I Pray for Life When I Would Actually Prefer to Die?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 6th, 2019

“This time of year is especially hard for me, but it’s actually always like this. I wake up in the morning, and I’m supposed to say ‘modeh ani’- thank you G-d, for giving me another day of life. And each day, when I open my eyes, that first short prayer is a struggle for me. I never asked to be born, and I don’t enjoy living. I try to do what I need to do, because I have responsibilities and people rely on me. …
Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 5th, 2018

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha   There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi …
Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 31st, 2018

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Hi, folks. I’m going to deviate from my usual blogging style in today’s post. I generally open with a hypothetical or well-disguised case, and use the story as a springboard to highlight a relevant point. But today, I’m going to address you, my readers, directly, and speak about myself, kind of from deep in my soul-ish. I’m so gra …
"Don't even TOUCH it-" How making fake rules can lead to disaster: A Chinuch Message
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
A Separation Is Not Necessarily Step One to a Divorce
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 18th, 2020

Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …
Two Feelings: A Covid Perspective
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 16th, 2020

When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …
"My Wife HATES Sex- What Should I do?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 16th, 2019

My Wife Hates Sex- What Should I Do? Really glad you asked. It’s very painful for a man with a healthy libido to be in a marriage where he feels undesired and constantly rejected. Desire discrepancy can be an issue for any relationship, but when your partner never wants touch, there is often cumulative frustration and resentment on both ends. For many couples, sexual activity dates are few and far between, or even when the wives “agre …
Rethinking the phrase "off the derech"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 2nd, 2017

Rethinking the Phrase:  “Off the Derech”   Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it. One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purpos …
"Am I Normal?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:   Am I normal?   And it shows up in a variety of permutations:   Is this normal?   My history?   My family?   My thoughts, feelings, relationships?   And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:   “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
Could we please stop telling girls that marrying a Yeshiva guy is the only way to get a good husband?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 26th, 2018

Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband?   This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*: Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands. They also cannot guarantee good husbands. Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student. Not every …
sexual abuse with no abuser
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 13th, 2017

Sexual Abuse with No Abuser By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Beila and Sruly (pseudonyms) are a handsome and charming couple in their 20’s. They were referred by Beila’s private therapist, for an unconsummated marriage, though they’ve been married for over a year. Beila’s severe case of genophobia and vaginismus had prevented any physical penetration or intercourse. In their first couple’s session they present as a ple …
Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 9th, 2019

An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …
What if I Can't Climax?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 7th, 2020

  The phone rang, and a shy-sounding young woman introduced herself. “Hi. I’m not really sure if I need therapy. Could I tell you my issue, and you tell me if it’s ‘normal’?” (Too many people are worried about being ‘normal’ which is overrated, but that’s for another post.) “Sure,” I say. (I can be agreeable like that sometimes.) “Well, I got married a few months ago. We …
Intimacy vs. Sex
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 6th, 2018

Intimacy vs. Sexual Activity By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The well-groomed young couple settled into the matching navy, velvet club chairs in my office, and glanced at one another. After a beat, the young woman turned to me, and gingerly proffered: “We’re here because we need to work on our intimacy.” “General intimacy, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy? Or all of the above?” I inquire. They look at each other, and …
When Talmud Torah Becomes Avoda Zara
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 30th, 2019

There are certain memorable moments from sessions past that stay with me in vivid detail. It was a couple’s intake session years ago, and the husband (who I quickly learned was abusive) turned to his wife, and calmly explained his perspective: “Even the Gemara backs me up on this: You have to do what I say because you are my property. I bought and own you- like a slave or an animal. You don’t have a will of your own.” With …
Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 29th, 2018

Women Who Hate the Niddah Laws… by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Sima had ostensibly done everything “right”. She was a prototypical “aidel maidel”- a respectful daughter, a helpful sister, a caring friend, an obedient student, and then married “the right guy”. She said, and often believed, all the lovely comments that “good girls” were supposed to modestly opine. But in my office, the confidential te …
Racism and Rus-ism: Discrimination and Jewish Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 28th, 2020

Do you send your children to Yeshivas? If so, do you feel they get enough education about how to think about and interact with people who are different from them- religiously, socio-economically, and racially? I’m not asking because I know for sure whether they do- schools are all different and have their own priorities. I’m asking because as parents, I think it’s an important question to consider. Once again, more disturbing in …
On Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 24th, 2018

Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Leah closes her eyes and pauses for a moment, then swallows. I’ve come to recognize this subtlety as a cue that something deeply personal and profound will follow. I cross my legs, trying to be patient and open, and refocus on her face. I didn’t record her exact words, and I wish I had, because she was honest, wise, clear, and calm, but below is my paraphrase o …
"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 22nd, 2019

“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me”  A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her   This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …
I don't want to be a statistic!
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 21st, 2020

What’s the deal with humans as numbers? In my years at college and grad school, I was a pretty good student, but I did fail one course: statistics. (I passed it the second time around. My degrees are legit:) I didn’t fail because it was so hard (although it didn’t come naturally to my non-mathy brain.) I failed it because it was so dang boring to me, that I didn’t even put in the effort to learn it well enough. To this day …
she secretly wished her husband would die...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 1st, 2018

She secretly wished her husband would die…. By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Shaindy’s eyes filled before she lowered them to examine her lap. She had been feeling stuck and hopeless in her marriage for several years. She had carefully and deliberately chosen to remain for the sake of her children; her husband wasn’t dangerous or malicious. But she often found Mutty’s behavior toward her selfish, thoughtless, lazy, and dise …
Relationship Uncertainty
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column*  Dear Elisheva,   I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …
Are You Starting to Lose it?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 14th, 2020

Are you struggling to maintain your sense of equilibrium while trying to navigate all the new demands and realities of the COVID19 crisis? Many people seem to be reporting a variety of challenges, so if you are, you’re very much not alone. Therapists are trying to share whatever knowledge we have about encouraging people to especially attend to our personal needs and psychological well-being. Taking care of yourself is a worthy goal in its …
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2019

Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title   Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …
Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2018

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Kayla (pseudonym) was referred to me a number of years ago, by her caring Rebbetzen and mentor, for what she described as a “very sensitive, urgent problem, of a sexual nature.” The following week, the poised, pleasant, 20 year old young woman showed up for intake and described her presenting problem as follows: “I know I look and sound like a normal person. But I …
An Intimacy Dilemma
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
      The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:       Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?       Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.       Her: Fo …
"Why Won't My Wife Dress Up For Me?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 9th, 2021

Some men say it with embarrassment, others with indignation or frustration, and still others in defeat: “I’m not trying to be demanding or controlling. But I really wish my wife would dress up for me once in a while. When we go out, in our bedroom, or just the way she presents herself in general. It’s not that I don’t think she’s naturally pretty- she really is and I tell her so. But I know a lot of women …
A Simple Sexuality Education Message from The Megila
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 9th, 2020

One year, when I went to shul for megila reading, I was a few minutes early, so I stopped to watch the adorable costumed children running around. I saw many little girls dressed up as princesses, fairies and brides, and most of the little boys were pirates, robbers, and ninjas. Not a prince in sight. A preschool version of the “shidduch crisis.” Of course, that was a joke, but the metaphor might fit… If you ask any Yeshiva grad …
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