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Hegyon Libi
Elisheva Liss, LMFT A look at the commonly asked question: How often should couples be intimate? Data, Torah, and practical advice.
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Better Prep for Wedding Night and Beyond
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 9th, 2020

More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy: Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so cult …
Assessing Your Relationship
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 9th, 2017

On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and deman …
He was both happy and horrified
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 7th, 2023

*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead:       You know that feeling of scary relief?       Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident?       Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute?   …
Totally Grossed Out by Private Parts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 3rd, 2020

Please Note: This post contains explicit content, is for mature readers only, and may be triggering for survivors of trauma. Fay and her husband, Alex, have a nice relationship- for the most part. They can share deeply and laugh together, support one another, and work out differences that arise respectfully and amicably. In the bedroom too, they enjoy cuddling and kissing. But when the foreplay gets more erotic, and especially when they become mo …
The Problem of Religious Sexuality Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 2nd, 2020

As many of you know, one of the most important aspects of the work we do with couples and individuals, is treating the results and consequences of poor sexual education, as they manifest in adulthood. I don't treat kids or teens, but I've always wished parents had better resources for educating children in ways that would reduce some of the problems I see in my practice. I've lectured here and there on this topic, but I really wanted to create a …
A Different Kind of Sexual Trauma Among Us
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 27th, 2022

Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual trauma Zeesy, a 19-year-old newlywed, was referred for intense erotophobia- a fear of sexual activity. It’s been about three months since their wedding, but her aversion to sexual touch seems to be getting worse. Her young husband is worried, and the premarital educator who sent her asks me:   “Do you think something happened to her?”   What she means, of course, is trauma- s …
Educational Psychology in Parshas Mishpatim
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 23rd, 2017

Leah [pseudonym] is a 21 year old assistant preschool teacher in a beis yaakov school and part time college student. Sweet, social, and sincere, she gets along well with her family, spends time daily with friends, dates regularly, and enjoys her work. But underneath her orthodontic smile, she's feeling personally under-stimulated. She describes a chronic lack of excitement, bordering on apathy, about her life, some of which she traces back to her …
Not Attracted to her Spouse: Part 2 Some Answers to Your Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 19th, 2019

Not Attracted to Her Spouse Part 2: Some Answers to Your Questions   My recent blog post “I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” has attracted significantly more views, shares, and responses in its first week than any of my other posts here so far. I am grateful to those who emailed or commented to say that it resonated as true and/or validated feelings for them. And I would like to address those who disagreed or raised other poi …
"I'm Not Attracted to my Spouse"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 11th, 2019

“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse”   Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue: “My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s …
Why Do Some Clients "Do Better" in Therapy than Others? Seven Factors Satiisfied Clients Share
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 9th, 2020

Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money.   It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases. &nbs …
Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 7th, 2017

Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week’s Parsha By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It seems that every time we click on a newsfeed, there are more accusations of sexual assault against high profile personalities. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #metoo movement, it can begin to feel that we have entered an epidemic of sexual corruption. Yet “There is nothing new under the sun,” teaches King Shlomo, wisest of men.   …
Why It's Important to Teach Kids Accurate Names of Body Parts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 5th, 2019

Tzivi came home from preschool and told her mom that her Morah had gotten upset at her that day. “Morah said I used a bad word. But I didn’t know it was a bad word. We were playing a game and I sat down too fast. I yelled out: ‘ow! I hurt my tushy!’ and Morah called me out of the game and told everyone we’re not allowed to say bad words in school. But I told her in our house tushy isn’t a bad word.” Many …
"How Often Are You Supposed to 'Be Intimate'?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 2nd, 2020

Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …
Why are there so many divorces these days?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 2nd, 2017

"Why Are There So Many More Divorces Nowadays?" By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It’s a magnificent summer night- 75 perfect degrees, and I’m on a delightful walk over a nearby bridge to the beach, with a dear friend from high school, reconnecting the way we wish we did more often. Catching up on each other’s’ lives, careers, kids, stresses, hopes and dreams, she mentions an old mutual friend who’s on her mind, because she ha …
Calling New Private Practice Therapists and Hopefuls
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 29th, 2019

Therapists: This One’s For You… Are you a therapist who is hoping or trying to build a private practice? Therapists tend to be people who deeply want to help others. It’s literally called a “helping profession.” It’s a way to make a living while making a difference. And while most of us choose this line of work for primarily idealistic reasons, it’s not easy work. It’s gratifying, but often drainin …
Religiously Stuck Husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 18th, 2021

This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column:   Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
Am I a Bais Yaakov Lesbian?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 13th, 2022

Am I a Bais Yaakov lesbian? Chani was 20 years old when she presented for therapy. The official referral was “anxiety about dating,” but when she began to share, it was more complex and specific than that: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have one friend who knows, because it involves her too. I am anxious about starting to date- that’s true. But it’s not just regular nervous. I know this might sound …
She was told: never say no to your husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 13th, 2017

She Was Taught: “You Should Never Say ‘No’ to Your Husband…” by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Miriam had been married for just over ten years, and was happily and busily raising their brood of five healthy children, when she and her husband, Chaim, finally came in seeking help for “her desire problem”. They describe a loving partnership, one in which there is mutual respect, generosity, kindness, and connection. …
"My Husband's 'zera l'vatala' Will Be My Fault"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 10th, 2020

*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …
Parental Plane Letter to My Child Going Off to Israel
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 9th, 2018

In preparation for Rosh Chodesh Elul, I am deviating from my usual blogging style to share something a bit more personal. The following is adapted from a letter I wrote my son a year ago as he went off to study in Yeshiva in Israel. At the time, it was just between me and him. But a year later, I've removed the parts that were privately for him, and adapted the sentiments for use by any parents who may feel the same way, and want to share or adap …
When Therapists Want to Share Personal Stuff
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 31st, 2020

For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that while I occasionally share examples from my own experiences, there is very little here about the personal details of my life. Part of the professional training that we undergo as part of our education, is the importance of boundaries. In a therapy session, the dialogue is supposed to be focused solely on the client and for the client. Any self-disclosure on th …
Anxiety and Elul
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 29th, 2022

Elul Anxiety Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms: “I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.” One of the tools Tami learned in terms o …
Hey, Teachers- Your Students Have Issues...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 29th, 2019

A teacher in my neighborhood once called me to talk about some frustrating feedback she had gotten at work. Apparently, a parent had called the school to complain that this teacher had made a couple of comments that were insensitive to the fact that one student was going through an extenuatingly difficult life event. The teacher felt bad- she hadn’t realized this child was suffering. She told me that in trying to defend herself, she respond …
Parented by G-d, Parenting G-d's Children
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 28th, 2023

Avinu Malkeinu: A Liturgically Inspired Essay on Parenthood Parented by G-d, and Parenting G-d’s Children One of the most challenging, if unoriginal, theological struggles for me personally has always been the tension between the idea of a loving G-d and suffering of the innocent. The analogy we were taught as Yeshiva kids was based on the verse in Deuteronomy: “For as a father afflicts his child, so G-d afflicts you.” We were t …
Our Daughter Blames Us for her Marriage Problems
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 28th, 2022

*This post originally appeared as a State of Mind Column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My family is in a complicated state right now. We are blessed with several children, but this matter only concerns two of them. Our oldest daughter is in her 20s and has been married for a few years; let’s call her “Leah.” She’s a wonderful girl, married to a great guy, but at this point our relationship with them is ver …
Embarrasing Confessions of an Almost Author
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 27th, 2018

Yesterday, I was supposed to be correcting the formatting work for the manuscript of my first and upcoming book. But I got bored, and instead started journaling about how nervous I feel about publishing it. Using my well-established, questionable judgement, I opted to share this "rant" on my facebook page.. not exactly sure why, I guess because interacting with facebook friends is also way more fun than tedious paperwork. And I was also hoping …
When Av and Elul Trigger Depression and Anxiety and What We Can Do About It
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 23rd, 2019

Something I've been thinking about for awhile (like years) is how this time of year in the Jewish calendar, the months of Av and Elul, can be emotionally triggering for a lot of people. There is a two month emphasis on the heavier side of religious experience- loss, destruction, suffering, and then examining our deeds, reviewing our behavior, confessions, and doing repentance. The healthy version of this spiritual process, involves honoring the p …
Thinking about Homeschooling in 11th Hour?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 19th, 2020

Hey, parents! How are you holding up?? With schools scrambling to formulate and convey their plans to reopen, many parents find themselves faced with the mixed blessing dilemma of choice. Do you send your kids to school in masks and small group capsules, with modified schedules, and stressed out teachers, everything unknown and uncertain as to protocols and risks? Do you opt for the zoom-schooling, distance learning improv that was sampled last y …
How Do I Get My Partner to Come to Therapy?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 12th, 2020

Do you want to work on your relationship in therapy, but have a partner who just doesn’t want to go? Well, you’re not alone. This is a super common and frustrating problem.   The bad news: You can’t generally “make” people want to go to therapy, and even if you technically get them in the door, it’s really, really, hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.   The good news: You may have …
Consent for Touch- Even With a Spouse
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 12th, 2019

You know that feeling where you finish a conversation, and then a little later, mentally review it and wish you could go back and change your answer? I had one of those., recently. I was speaking at an event where the audience was invited to submit anonymous questions. One of the questions that was written in was one I’d heard before: “I would like to observe the niddah laws the way I was taught them- not touching at all during the ni …
She Wasn't Feeling Pleasure
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 7th, 2022

*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter *       Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor.   & …
Five (or Six) Stages of Corona-Grief
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 5th, 2020

The 5 (or 6) Stages of Corona- Grief: By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The famous “five stages of grief” were formulated and described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her books: On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving. The sixth was add by her colleague, David Kessler. Most experts agree that emotional experience is not uniform or linear, but highlighting some universal processes and what they feel like can be comforting and validating. I&rs …
10 Tips to Minimize Family Drama over Yom Tov
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 4th, 2023

The yomim tovim / Jewish holidays are often “busy season” for Orthodox therapists. In our communities, where there’s a profound emphasis on the values of both family and holidays, these often converge to create a perfect storm of internal pressure and interpersonal mayhem. There are the social plans: who is hosting, who is traveling, which “side’s turn” is it to have the newlyweds, or the elderly relatives, and …
"Why are they doing this to me?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 3rd, 2023

*This was originally a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times*       Dear Elisheva,       My problem comes up mostly around Shabbos and Yom Tov family get-togethers. We are blessed with seven kids, mostly adults now; the youngest are 17 and 19, still living at home. We also have a growing number of grandchildren, and love to see them as often as possible.       We worked hard to give our childr …
Why Saying "Divorce is Not an Option" Can Hurt Marriages
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 30th, 2021

Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word?   When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.”   At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.”   I stil …
Choosing a Career: (Including My Own Story of How I Became a Therapist)
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 2nd, 2019

  By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT In some ways, choosing a career path can be more confusing and overwhelming than ever before in human history. There are more options and access, and ever-evolving specialties, and subspecialties. But those options and the programs that train for them, are rapidly changing, often rendering previously secure and lucrative jobs obsolete, replaced by software, or outsourced to underpaid workers overseas. There is a col …
Thoughts about Post Trauma, Yom HaSho'ah and Yom Ha'Atzma'ut
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 29th, 2020

I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma lately. Trauma was always one topic I’ve never claimed to know much about, one presenting issue I’ve never wanted to treat, and always tended to refer out. But when you specialize in sexual dysfunction, and in a broader sense, when you deal with human beings, trauma is kind of hard to avoid. It’s understandable why many of us- therapists and others, don’t really like to touch tra …
Spousal Hygiene- An Awkward Problem
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 28th, 2019

Spousal Hygiene… An Awkward Problem Shani prefaces her disclosure with discomfort: “This is not an easy thing to discuss. But it’s an issue for me. It has to do with cleanliness. I grew up in a home where we were expected to shower daily, brush our teeth morning and night, and generally clear up after ourselves. Besides that, we were taught to be aware of our natural body odors and use deodorant and mouthwash at least daily and …
Moving Forward and Moving up
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 26th, 2017

Originally, this post was to be titled: "Raising Thighs and Waving Breasts" but then I chickened out and opted for a more neutral, if less evocative name. But before you click away in horror, I want to add that  this appellation was actually taken verbatim from a verse in yesterday's parsha- I promise! Chapter 10 verse 15... Ok, so if you went to look it up, you may have noticed that it technically refers to the anatomy of sacrificial animal …
Does my anxiety mean I Lack Emunah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 24th, 2018

“Does My Anxiety Mean I Lack Emunah?” By: Elisheva Liss Tzivi is a deeply devout 24 year old mother and wife. She prays twice daily, while raising her toddler and baby, and working 30 hours a week, while her husband pursues Rabbinical studies in Yeshiva. She has suffered from an anxiety disorder since middle school, but you would never know it to speak to her; she presents as calm, soft-spoken, and content. In therapy, she describes w …
This is NOT Homeschooling
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 21st, 2020

Parents keep commenting to me: “Wow- this is so hard! I don’t know how you do this all the time.” And I answer: “We don’t. We homeschool. It’s a totally different thing than what’s happening here.” Families who are trying to meet the Corona-induced demands of “regular” schools while quarantined at home (and trying to work) are not homeschooling. I’ve been calling it “school-h …
On touching your wife: a guide for perplexed husbands
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 17th, 2018

How to Touch Your Wife: A Guide for Perplexed Husbands   Affectionate Touch vs. Erotic Touch   Elisha and Ariella are a charismatic couple in their early 30s, with a frisky toddler, and a baby on the way. They generally treat each other well, and enjoy a strong marital friendship. But there has been some tension between them lately, that we’re trying to sort through. “I just feel pushed away a lot of the time,” Elisha …
Child Sexual Safety Education Awareness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 15th, 2021

Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
Hang in There Young Mamas- It Gets Easier
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 15th, 2019

“Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Just you wait!” warned the more experienced moms; their condescending tones wagging fingers of dread in my peaked, sleep-deprived face. Sheesh! I heard a lot of that when my children were young. Now, however, with the older ones launching and the youngest one already in middle school, and as someone who treats moms of all ages, I can confidently challenge that unintentionally obno …
Validation and Motivation: A Self-Help Sefira Thought
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 14th, 2020

Validation and Motivation: From Tension to Intension When it comes to the self-help messages, I’ve noticed a split between two streams of thinking. One approach takes the tone of validation and grace: “It’s ok to not be ok. Just accept your feelings and allow things to just be. If all you did today was survive, that’s good enough.” The other takes the tone of a coach, or motivator: “We can do hard things. Chall …
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