NEFESH: The International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals

"How Often Are You Supposed to 'Be Intimate'?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 2nd, 2020

Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …

How to Run Family Meetings

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 22nd, 2020

Family Think Tank Meetings So we find ourselves suddenly spending more time at home with our families than we ever have before. Trying to juggle parenting, schooling, extra meal prep and housework, working from home, and managing the ever-changing health crisis, with little knowledge or preparation. As parents, we often feel like we need to have clear answers and a definite plan when we’re honestly all learning as we go along. One tool that …

The Problem of Religious Sexuality Education

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 2nd, 2020

As many of you know, one of the most important aspects of the work we do with couples and individuals, is treating the results and consequences of poor sexual education, as they manifest in adulthood. I don't treat kids or teens, but I've always wished parents had better resources for educating children in ways that would reduce some of the problems I see in my practice. I've lectured here and there on this topic, but I really wanted to create a …

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 31st, 2018

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Hi, folks. I’m going to deviate from my usual blogging style in today’s post. I generally open with a hypothetical or well-disguised case, and use the story as a springboard to highlight a relevant point. But today, I’m going to address you, my readers, directly, and speak about myself, kind of from deep in my soul-ish. I’m so gra …

I am a Jew, and Here Are My Plans for World Domination

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 19th, 2020

Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are. I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess. Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor. My own agenda for world domination begins with education. I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learni …

I don't want to be a statistic!

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 21st, 2020

What’s the deal with humans as numbers? In my years at college and grad school, I was a pretty good student, but I did fail one course: statistics. (I passed it the second time around. My degrees are legit:) I didn’t fail because it was so hard (although it didn’t come naturally to my non-mathy brain.) I failed it because it was so dang boring to me, that I didn’t even put in the effort to learn it well enough. To this day …

"I Used to Rape My Wife

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 3rd, 2020

Gittel and Shuey have been married for almost 10 years. They get along fairly well, and are kept busy with their three little ones and their demanding jobs. They’ve come to discuss the ostensible problem of Gittel’s low libido. “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong,” Shuey began. “I try different ways to give her pleasure, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to enjoy. Her body doesn&rsq …

"I Was Molested by my Brother but Neither of Us Knew It"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 17th, 2021

Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse. *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.* “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …

"I'm Not Attracted to my Spouse"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 11th, 2019

“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue: “My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s …

Intimacy vs. Sex

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 6th, 2018

Intimacy vs. Sexual Activity By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The well-groomed young couple settled into the matching navy, velvet club chairs in my office, and glanced at one another. After a beat, the young woman turned to me, and gingerly proffered: “We’re here because we need to work on our intimacy.” “General intimacy, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy? Or all of the above?” I inquire. They look at each other, and …

Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 9th, 2019

An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …

Is p-rnography use considered cheating on a partner?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 5th, 2023

Is Using P-rnography Considered Cheating on a Partner? Let’s consider this changed-to-protect-writer’s-identity question, as a springboard to address some issues that arise for couples around this subject: “I recently found p-rnographic material downloaded on my husband’s laptop. I wasn’t looking for it; we just often use whichever laptop is around to check email …

It's all hevel... what?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …

More Attempts to Reduce Abuse this Summer

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 20th, 2019

Another Short but Critical Pre-camp Parental Safety Talk

By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT As we label the socks and pack up the duffels, we scan the emails about the “pre-camp safety talks” and try to arm our kids with a specific type of personal awareness. Our communities have, thankfully, been making progress in the area of educating children towards body boundaries, good vs inappropriate touch, reporting to safe adults, and ge …

Moving Forward and Moving up

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 26th, 2017

Originally, this post was to be titled: "Raising Thighs and Waving Breasts" but then I chickened out and opted for a more neutral, if less evocative name. But before you click away in horror, I want to add that this appellation was actually taken verbatim from a verse in yesterday's parsha- I promise! Chapter 10 verse 15... Ok, so if you went to look it up, you may have noticed that it technically refers to the anatomy of sacrificial animal …

"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 22nd, 2019

“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me” A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …

"My Husband's 'zera l'vatala' Will Be My Fault"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 10th, 2020

*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …

"My Kid 'Frummed Out' in Israel- Should I Be Glad or Concerned?" 7 Talking Points for Parents

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 7th, 2018

My Kid “Frummed out” in Israel: Should We be Glad or Concerned? Seven Talking Points for Parents By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT “It’s not that I mind Rachel becoming more religious; we expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to Israel for the year. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore, …

"My Wife HATES Sex- What Should I do?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2019

My Wife Hates Sex- What Should I Do? Really glad you asked. It’s very painful for a man with a healthy libido to be in a marriage where he feels undesired and constantly rejected. Desire discrepancy can be an issue for any relationship, but when your partner never wants touch, there is often cumulative frustration and resentment on both ends. For many couples, sexual activity dates are few and far between, or even when the wives “agre …

National Trauma: A Message from Zachor and Amalek

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 14th, 2019

Trauma, Repression, and Obsession: A Lesson from Zachor and Amalek When terrible things happen, it’s natural to react intensely. It can be a tremendous challenge to move beyond the event and forward into “regular life”. Two extreme coping mechanisms include obsession and repression. Obsession is when our minds become preoccupied with the experience to the point where it takes up more brain space than we want it to, and in …

New Order of Priorities Now:

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 31st, 2020

Medical Safety of Your Family and Everyone Else- Community and the General Public Basic Necessities: Food, Toiletries, Hygiene, Household Supplies Psychological Safety of Your Family and Anyone for Whom You’re Responsible Emotional Well-Being of Your Family et al. Functionality of Your Family- Systems that Work FOR YOU and Each Family Member Making Money- You Know, Like to Feed Your Family and Stuff Creative and Contributive Outlets Social …

No Camp?! What Are We Supposed to Do??

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 21st, 2020

Are you one of the many parents who thought they were finally going to get a much-needed break from 24/7 parenting by sending your kids to summer programs, only to find out that now you’re not? Families are scrambling and pivoting plans each day, as the news from the summer programs trickles out and keeps changing. In case this all hasn’t been stressful enough. Last week, I was excited to pre-launch my Intro to Homeschooling course, w …

Not Attracted to her Spouse: Part 2 Some Answers to Your Questions

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 19th, 2019

Not Attracted to Her Spouse Part 2: Some Answers to Your Questions My recent blog post “I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” has attracted significantly more views, shares, and responses in its first week than any of my other posts here so far. I am grateful to those who emailed or commented to say that it resonated as true and/or validated feelings for them. And I would like to address those who disagreed or raised other poi …

On Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 24th, 2018

Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Leah closes her eyes and pauses for a moment, then swallows. I’ve come to recognize this subtlety as a cue that something deeply personal and profound will follow. I cross my legs, trying to be patient and open, and refocus on her face. I didn’t record her exact words, and I wish I had, because she was honest, wise, clear, and calm, but below is my paraphrase o …

On Teaching Kids about the Birds and the Bees

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 28th, 2017

Teaching Children about “The Birds and the Bees” By: Elisheva Liss LMFT There are, essentially, only two ways for kids to hear about sex: their parents, and Someplace Else. While that “someplace else” may be any one of a number of sources, what those sources tend to share is a lack of parental input. Whether it’s the school bus, sleepaway camp, a dirty joke, a teacher, or a predator- chances are, if it doesn’t …

On touching your wife: a guide for perplexed husbands

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 17th, 2018

How to Touch Your Wife: A Guide for Perplexed Husbands Affectionate Touch vs. Erotic Touch Elisha and Ariella are a charismatic couple in their early 30s, with a frisky toddler, and a baby on the way. They generally treat each other well, and enjoy a strong marital friendship. But there has been some tension between them lately, that we’re trying to sort through. “I just feel pushed away a lot of the time,” Elisha …

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 13th, 2018

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Kayla (pseudonym) was referred to me a number of years ago, by her caring Rebbetzen and mentor, for what she described as a “very sensitive, urgent problem, of a sexual nature.” The following week, the poised, pleasant, 20 year old young woman showed up for intake and described her presenting problem as follows: “I know I look and sound like a normal person. But I …

Our Broken Homes: Pornography in the Holy of Holies

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 29th, 2020

This week, we sit shiva for our shattered world. This week we mourn our broken homes. Our temple was destroyed, and even now we continue to watch the walls burn around us. The Churban didn’t just happen millennia ago, but we are taught by Chazal that the damage is ongoing. Hatred, strife, and ignorance fan the flames of destruction, pain, abandonment, and abuse. We don’t see the fire and violence engulfing the actual Temple tod …

Our Daughter Blames Us for her Marriage Problems

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 28th, 2022

*This post originally appeared as a State of Mind Column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My family is in a complicated state right now. We are blessed with several children, but this matter only concerns two of them. Our oldest daughter is in her 20s and has been married for a few years; let’s call her “Leah.” She’s a wonderful girl, married to a great guy, but at this point our relationship with them is ver …

Parental Plane Letter to My Child Going Off to Israel

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 9th, 2018

In preparation for Rosh Chodesh Elul, I am deviating from my usual blogging style to share something a bit more personal. The following is adapted from a letter I wrote my son a year ago as he went off to study in Yeshiva in Israel. At the time, it was just between me and him. But a year later, I've removed the parts that were privately for him, and adapted the sentiments for use by any parents who may feel the same way, and want to share or adap …

Parented by G-d, Parenting G-d's Children

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 28th, 2023

Avinu Malkeinu: A Liturgically Inspired Essay on Parenthood Parented by G-d, and Parenting G-d’s Children One of the most challenging, if unoriginal, theological struggles for me personally has always been the tension between the idea of a loving G-d and suffering of the innocent. The analogy we were taught as Yeshiva kids was based on the verse in Deuteronomy: “For as a father afflicts his child, so G-d afflicts you.” We were t …

Please DON'T Fake It Til You Make It

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 9th, 2019

Several years ago, I had been invited to an event that also featured a talk for kallah teachers, giving by a woman who trains them. At the end, she entertained some questions from the audience. One young Rebbetzin raised her hand: “What should I tell a girl, who after 7-8 months of marriage is feeling no physical pleasure with her husband at all? She even finds the whole thing unpleasant..” A few other women looked up and nodded, thei …

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week's Parsha

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 5th, 2018

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi …

Preparing to Reopen a Post-trauma World

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 8th, 2020

Well- it seems like it's finally happening; after all these surreal days and weeks and months. But how do we prepare for a post-traumatic stress-flavored world? With all the talk about reopening, we still find ourselves just as torn and conflicted as we’ve been for the past three months. (With an ideological civil war to ice the cake on the Pandemic.) The only consistent theme of this COVID19 era is perhaps the inconsistency of it. The lack …

Problems with the Rebbe

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 13th, 2022

This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …

Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 26th, 2018

The Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates By: Elisheva Liss LMFT “About how often would you guys say you are physically intimate?” This question is part of my standard couple intake session, even if the clients have not specifically said they ware coming to work on their sexual relationship. The answer helps me understand a little about what is percolating beneath the surface of the stuff that is easier to discuss, or seems more pressi …

Racism and Rus-ism: Discrimination and Jewish Education

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 28th, 2020

Do you send your children to Yeshivas? If so, do you feel they get enough education about how to think about and interact with people who are different from them- religiously, socio-economically, and racially? I’m not asking because I know for sure whether they do- schools are all different and have their own priorities. I’m asking because as parents, I think it’s an important question to consider. Once again, more disturbing in …

Relationship Uncertainty

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column* Dear Elisheva, I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …

Religiously Based Rape and its Devastating Repercussions

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 5th, 2022

“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins. “My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.” What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship. She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relat …

Religiously Stuck Husband

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 18th, 2021

This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column: Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …

Rethinking the phrase "off the derech"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 2nd, 2017

Rethinking the Phrase: “Off the Derech” Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it. One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purpos …

Sacrificing Souls on the Altar Of Tzniyus

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 18th, 2022

In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …

sexual abuse with no abuser

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 13th, 2017

Sexual Abuse with No Abuser By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Beila and Sruly (pseudonyms) are a handsome and charming couple in their 20’s. They were referred by Beila’s private therapist, for an unconsummated marriage, though they’ve been married for over a year. Beila’s severe case of genophobia and vaginismus had prevented any physical penetration or intercourse. In their first couple’s session they present as a ple …

Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week's Parsha

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 7th, 2017

Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week’s Parsha By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It seems that every time we click on a newsfeed, there are more accusations of sexual assault against high profile personalities. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #metoo movement, it can begin to feel that we have entered an epidemic of sexual corruption. Yet “There is nothing new under the sun,” teaches King Shlomo, wisest of men. …

she secretly wished her husband would die...

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 1st, 2018

She secretly wished her husband would die…. By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Shaindy’s eyes filled before she lowered them to examine her lap. She had been feeling stuck and hopeless in her marriage for several years. She had carefully and deliberately chosen to remain for the sake of her children; her husband wasn’t dangerous or malicious. But she often found Mutty’s behavior toward her selfish, thoughtless, lazy, and dise …

She was told: never say no to your husband

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 13th, 2017

She Was Taught: “You Should Never Say ‘No’ to Your Husband…” by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Miriam had been married for just over ten years, and was happily and busily raising their brood of five healthy children, when she and her husband, Chaim, finally came in seeking help for “her desire problem”. They describe a loving partnership, one in which there is mutual respect, generosity, kindness, and connection. …

She Wasn't Feeling Pleasure

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 7th, 2022

*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter * Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor. & …

Spiritual Encouragement For the Home Bound

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 18th, 2020

A Homeschooling Thought For the Homebound at This Time Every year, around this time, I wonder why these two parshas are necessary. As it is, the amount of technical detail described in Terumah and Tetzaveh regarding the construction of the temporary sanctuary are difficult to relate to our personal lives. But then to rehash for another two sedras, could seem excessive.. At the moment, we are experiencing an unprecedented shut-down of commu …

Spousal Hygiene- An Awkward Problem

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 28th, 2019

Spousal Hygiene… An Awkward Problem Shani prefaces her disclosure with discomfort: “This is not an easy thing to discuss. But it’s an issue for me. It has to do with cleanliness. I grew up in a home where we were expected to shower daily, brush our teeth morning and night, and generally clear up after ourselves. Besides that, we were taught to be aware of our natural body odors and use deodorant and mouthwash at least daily and …

Struggling With G-d in Turbulent Times

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 20th, 2020

“These are the times that try men’s souls.” – Thomas Paine One of the many ripple effects of the current health crisis, is the challenge of faith. Many religious individuals are saying and writing sentiments to the effects of: “Now is when our love of G-d and His goodness will carry us through.” It’s where the more secularly inclined will take comfort in other ways. But what we are hearing from many who d …

Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 12th, 2018

The Suicide Trend: When Great People Want to Die By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Suicide has been getting a lot of attention in the news lately, due to some high profile cases. Shortly before that, the second season of the controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why was recently released on Netflix. The show spotlights some heavy issues like violence, suicide contagion, mandated reporting, bullying, sexual harassment, assault and rape, institutional e …

Surviving Yom Tov Family Drama

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 30th, 2020

Hi:) It looks like we're going to have the quietest Sukkos we've ever had, here in the Liss house; hoping that next year we can safely host extended family as we usually do. But for those who might be getting together with relatives, kosher.com invited me to write this piece pre-empting some of the common issues that arise during this busy chagim get-togethers, so I wanted to share it here as well: https://www.kosher.com/lifestyle/10-tips-for-sur …

Talking About Marital Consent and Rape with Bracha Bard Wigdor

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 14th, 2021

Confronting the Less Popular Sexual Sins: A Shovavim Plea Sexual sins are possibly the most interesting of sins. There are few transgressions more titillating, more shamed, and more taboo than those having to do with succumbing to desires of the flesh. During this time of the Jewish calendar, some communities have a custom to focus on atoning for sins in the realm of sexual immorality. Some examples I’ve heard are reviewing th …

The Benefits of Virtual Sessions

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 16th, 2020

One of the many ripple effects of the coronavirus is that at this time when people need more emotional support than usual, mental health professionals have been advised to try and do our therapy sessions virtually, on video or phone, rather than live. This is causing some distress for clinicians and clients alike. Live sessions offer obvious advantages, such as the intangible energy in the room between two real humans, and the ambience of a profe …

The Clouds of Glory as a Message of Moderation

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2020

The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …

The Nation who Wanted to Die

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 15th, 2023

“We wish we had died! We wish we had died!” Cry out the people who personally experienced miraculous salvation. “If only we had died in Egypt, or in the desert…” They were afraid of potential war in Kanaan, but it still doesn’t seem logical. They’d prefer to have certainly perished in Egypt or the desert, over the possibility of death OR the possibility of victory and freedom in the Promised Land? How is …

The Problem with Labeling Pedophilia as a "Sickness"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 4th, 2022

Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …

The Unconsummated Couple

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 2nd, 2023

The Unconsummated Couple They present for therapy with so much shame, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes each other, or just one of them, often feeling like they’re the only ones who can’t “figure this out.” They are the “unconsummated.” The couples who got married with little or no prior sexual experience, often inadequate or inaccurate p …

Thinking about Homeschooling in 11th Hour?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 19th, 2020

Hey, parents! How are you holding up?? With schools scrambling to formulate and convey their plans to reopen, many parents find themselves faced with the mixed blessing dilemma of choice. Do you send your kids to school in masks and small group capsules, with modified schedules, and stressed out teachers, everything unknown and uncertain as to protocols and risks? Do you opt for the zoom-schooling, distance learning improv that was sampled last y …

This is NOT Homeschooling

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 21st, 2020

Parents keep commenting to me: “Wow- this is so hard! I don’t know how you do this all the time.” And I answer: “We don’t. We homeschool. It’s a totally different thing than what’s happening here.” Families who are trying to meet the Corona-induced demands of “regular” schools while quarantined at home (and trying to work) are not homeschooling. I’ve been calling it “school-h …

Thoughts about Post Trauma, Yom HaSho'ah and Yom Ha'Atzma'ut

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 29th, 2020

I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma lately. Trauma was always one topic I’ve never claimed to know much about, one presenting issue I’ve never wanted to treat, and always tended to refer out. But when you specialize in sexual dysfunction, and in a broader sense, when you deal with human beings, trauma is kind of hard to avoid. It’s understandable why many of us- therapists and others, don’t really like to touch tra …

Totally Grossed Out by Private Parts

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 3rd, 2020

Please Note: This post contains explicit content, is for mature readers only, and may be triggering for survivors of trauma. Fay and her husband, Alex, have a nice relationship- for the most part. They can share deeply and laugh together, support one another, and work out differences that arise respectfully and amicably. In the bedroom too, they enjoy cuddling and kissing. But when the foreplay gets more erotic, and especially when they become mo …

Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 6th, 2019

Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help Every year around this time, I wonder if this will be the year I try and “do something about it.” These are the weeks we call Shovevim Tat, the weeks that some communities choose to focus on the area of sexual holiness and holy sexuality. Some will take the opportunity to discuss the pornography epidemic, others to double down on the nidda laws, and still other …

Two Feelings: A Covid Perspective

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2020

When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …

Unsent Letter to my Orthodox Client before Rosh HaShana

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 14th, 2020

Dear _____, Well, it’s been quite a year. At this time, we have a custom to take interpersonal stock and make amends. Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts, feelings, and goals. It’s a privilege to work with you. I believe and hope we are accomplishing. Going to therapy involves courage and vulnerability, and I try to honor that, and treat it with care. But I’m a fallible human, and I need to apologize- for the t …

Validation and Motivation: A Self-Help Sefira Thought

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 14th, 2020

Validation and Motivation: From Tension to Intension When it comes to the self-help messages, I’ve noticed a split between two streams of thinking. One approach takes the tone of validation and grace: “It’s ok to not be ok. Just accept your feelings and allow things to just be. If all you did today was survive, that’s good enough.” The other takes the tone of a coach, or motivator: “We can do hard things. Chall …

Was My Kid Brainwashed in Seminary?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 20th, 2022

*This originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times Dear Elisheva, Our oldest daughter just returned home from her year in Israel. It’s not that I mind her becoming more religious. We expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to seminary. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. Sh …

What if I Can't Climax?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 7th, 2020

The phone rang, and a shy-sounding young woman introduced herself. “Hi. I’m not really sure if I need therapy. Could I tell you my issue, and you tell me if it’s ‘normal’?” (Too many people are worried about being ‘normal’ which is overrated, but that’s for another post.) “Sure,” I say. (I can be agreeable like that sometimes.) “Well, I got married a few months ago. We …

What If My B'show Was Wrong?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 3rd, 2019

What if my b’show didn’t work? This post will undoubtedly elicit strong reactions from readers on both sides of this issue. I want to preempt that I realize some, even many couples successfully meet, marry, and build families using the b’show system of mate selection, and go on to live happily ever after. When that happens, it is very fortunate. The following piece is a reflection of and a message to those individuals for whom i …

What if You Cheated on Your Spouse?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2020

Infidelity Dilemma The following story was shared with me by an acquaintance who: Is not a therapy client of mine Specifically asked me to publicize the story, for reasons that will become clear Is not identifiable due to changed details Aviva finds herself in a painfully difficult situation. She did something wrong and she’s feeling awful. First: some background: Aviva is a 32 year old wife, mom, and teacher. She loves her husband and ch …

What To Teach Kids Right Now (and Always)

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 23rd, 2020

What if we covered a little less math, and instead teach kids what really counts. Less social studies, and more social skills. Less biology, and more health and wellness. Less chemistry and more communication. Less physics and more physical activity. Less literature and more loving kindness. Less political science, more personal growth. Less civics and government, and more social responsibility. Less computing and more compassion. Less language, …

"What's the point of sex anyway?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 27th, 2022

It usually happens some time in the middle of a session. We’ll be discussing a couple’s intimate life, and I can see the consternation building on the woman’s face. Eventually, she’ll just say something like: “Can I ask a funny question? Like… what’s the point of sex anyway?” When working with clients who are dealing with sexual aversion, the question of: & …

When Av and Elul Trigger Depression and Anxiety and What We Can Do About It

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 23rd, 2019

Something I've been thinking about for awhile (like years) is how this time of year in the Jewish calendar, the months of Av and Elul, can be emotionally triggering for a lot of people. There is a two month emphasis on the heavier side of religious experience- loss, destruction, suffering, and then examining our deeds, reviewing our behavior, confessions, and doing repentance. The healthy version of this spiritual process, involves honoring the p …

When G-d as "Our Father" Conjures Nightmares Instead of Comfort

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 25th, 2019

“I appreciate my Rabbi so much, and I wanted to be inspired by the drasha, but I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. All I kept hearing was the father analogy: ‘G-d is our Father. Every father loves his children! Fathers want to see their children succeed!’ He meant to imply that Hashem is close to us, and operates in our best interest, but for me, it just brought up the flashbacks and pain of my past that I’ …

When Talmud Torah Becomes Avoda Zara

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 30th, 2019

There are certain memorable moments from sessions past that stay with me in vivid detail. It was a couple’s intake session years ago, and the husband (who I quickly learned was abusive) turned to his wife, and calmly explained his perspective: “Even the Gemara backs me up on this: You have to do what I say because you are my property. I bought and own you- like a slave or an animal. You don’t have a will of your own.” With …

When Therapists Want to Share Personal Stuff

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 31st, 2020

For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that while I occasionally share examples from my own experiences, there is very little here about the personal details of my life. Part of the professional training that we undergo as part of our education, is the importance of boundaries. In a therapy session, the dialogue is supposed to be focused solely on the client and for the client. Any self-disclosure on th …

Why are there so many divorces these days?

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 2nd, 2017

"Why Are There So Many More Divorces Nowadays?" By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It’s a magnificent summer night- 75 perfect degrees, and I’m on a delightful walk over a nearby bridge to the beach, with a dear friend from high school, reconnecting the way we wish we did more often. Catching up on each other’s’ lives, careers, kids, stresses, hopes and dreams, she mentions an old mutual friend who’s on her mind, because she ha …

"Why are they doing this to me?"

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 3rd, 2023

*This was originally a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My problem comes up mostly around Shabbos and Yom Tov family get-togethers. We are blessed with seven kids, mostly adults now; the youngest are 17 and 19, still living at home. We also have a growing number of grandchildren, and love to see them as often as possible. We worked hard to give our childr …

Why Do Some Clients "Do Better" in Therapy than Others? Seven Factors Satiisfied Clients Share

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 9th, 2020

Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money. It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases. &nbs …

Why Saying "Divorce is Not an Option" Can Hurt Marriages

Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 30th, 2021

Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word? When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.” I stil …