Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 19th, 2022

It is said about Rav Yisrael Salanter that in order to gain credibility in the eyes of the Lithuanian Lamdanim, so they would consider his encouragement to form mussar study groups, he would give an in-depth pilpul shiur.  Only after earning their esteem, all the way at the end of the shiur, he would say, “It is a good idea to form mussar vaads.”  (See Appendix to Shu”t Seridei Aish, where he gives his own oral history …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 21st, 2022

  The majority of Torah commandments more often focuses on actions and deeds, not thoughts.  Yet there are certain commandments that focus on our thoughts and how we must guard them and shape them.  (Chovos Halevavos wrote his Sefer by that name because he felt these mitzvos were ignored.) Our Gemara on Amud Beis tells us: ״וְנִשְׁמַרְתָּ מִכֹּל דָּבָר רָע״, מִכָּאן אָמַר רַבִּי פּ …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 22nd, 2022

There is a known halakhic principle of Tosefes Shabbos, that is one is supposed to accept or bring Shabbos a few minutes earlier.  One of the Lomdishe chakiros discussed is if this addendum to Shabbos is an early start for Shabbos, and essentially Shabbos itself, or is it a special zone to prepare for Shabbos, which is Shabbos-like in quality, but not actually Shabbos. Our Gemara on Amud Aleph implies that a woman can marry on Shabbos and Yo …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 23rd, 2022

Warning: This posting contains sexually explicit content relating to the mitvah of marital relations  Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the obligation for a husband (and wife — see Ritva) to not hold back from skin to skin direct contact during marital relations out of a sense of false modesty.  The psychological benefits of skin to skin contact on mood regulation and the release of the oxytocin binding hormone has been scientifi …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 24th, 2022

What do you do when you do not recognize your children?  Of course, I do not mean physically, as that would be unlikely.  I mean, if their behavior is so foreign to you, that you wonder, “How do I even know this person, how can I love him or her?” Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses a contradiction between two teachings, where one says that the Raven cares for its young, while another teaching implies that Ravens do not care f …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 25th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the upper limit of charity, which is one fifth of earned income. The scriptural proof text comes from Yaakov (Bereishis 28:22), where he pledges to Hashem: “And of all that You shall give me, I will surely give a tenth of it [aser a’asrenu] to You”. The double use of the verb that means to donate one-tenth indicates that Yaakov, who issued this statement, was actually referring to two one-tenth …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 26th, 2022

Note: Aside from yesterday’s post, which included both dappim, today’s post is a repeat from Psychology of the Daf Moed Kattan 17. That posting included a significant line in our Gemara Amud Beis, which implied that sometimes a person can be faced with urges that cannot be controlled. People often repeat this line, “Hashem does not give you a nisayon (challenge) that you cannot overcome.”  While this might inspire som …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 26th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses various psychological techniques when considering negotiating with those who kidnap for ransom.  אֵין פּוֹדִין אֶת הַשְּׁבוּיִין יוֹתֵר עַל כְּדֵי דְמֵיהֶם, מִפְּנֵי תִּקּוּן הָעוֹלָם. הָא בִּכְדֵי דְמֵיהֶן פּוֹדִין, אַף עַל גַּב דְּפִרְקוֹנָהּ יוֹתֵר עַל כְּתוּבָּת …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 27th, 2022

One of the opportunities and challenges of Shidduchim is doing adequate and proper research. The cliche and much maligned question of whether the family uses a plastic tablecloth on Shabbos, is not merely urban legend. Whether or not that’s your burning question, it behooves us to discuss what level of research is necessary. Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses whether the “checking out” that relatives do is sufficient enough so as …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 28th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the Rabbi’s frowning upon disinheriting a child, even partially, and even if the child is considered a wrongdoer.  The rabbis say, “It is not known what seed will come from him. Perhaps the bad son will father worthy children.” The Agra DeKalla (Bo:52) uses this idea to explain a difficult Midrash.  The Yalkut Shimoni (208) states:  When the verse says, “And so it shall com …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 29th, 2022

  There are instances in life where our personal expression or enjoyment of life should be considered in relation to how it affects others. For example, if you are making a wedding of your youngest child.  On the one hand, it’s your last hurrah and you have come by your money honestly, so why not splurge and enjoy the celebration with many extras such as a larger band, and a more extravagant venue?  Yet, how will this make ot …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 30th, 2022

What does it mean to own something? Is a possession just something that belongs to you, or is there some kind of metaphysical valence that an object takes on when you possess it?  There would seem to be a certain significance attached to objects based on their owners, for example, we have a teaching that even the animals of the righteous do not commit transgressions (see Chulin 7a). Or, that certain food utensils must be immersed in the Mikv …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 31st, 2022

There is a saying, that men give affection in order to get sex, while women give sex in order to get affection. While of course this is not absolutely true, and especially in our times where each gender is feeling more free to express themselves along less designated official roles and behavior, it does seem to be a basic pattern in human nature that endures. Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses as a scenario where a couple had the chuppah ceremony …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 1st, 2022

It is an important psychological principle that once a developmental window closes, it is much harder to re-open it.  For example, there is an optimum time for toilet training, when the 2-3 year old shows interest in mastery over his or her body.  If parents encourage this collaboratively, the child will enjoy meeting one of the first challenges in life — to renunciate instincts in favor of social status and competency.  If t …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 2nd, 2022

  Elsewhere in Psychology of the Daf (Moed Kattan 9, Ta’anis 13, and Yevamos 34) we discussed the importance of beauty. It is a natural feminine instinct to want to appear attractive, and like any instinct, the Torah approach is to respect it and work with it without overindulgence or excessive asceticism. (See Rambam Deos, chapters 1-2.) Our Gemara on Amud Beis brings up this idea as well, however I think it may be misinterpreted by o …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 4th, 2022

Our Gemara mentions a problematic pattern of behavior that can, according to the Gemara, even affect a woman’s likelihood of conceiving:  Redufa leylech el beis aviha, When there is contention in the marriage and the woman tends to return back to her father’s home.There is a normal human pattern for young women to connect to and seek guidance from their mothers, as we saw by Rivkah (Bereishis 24:28): וַתָּ֙רׇץ֙ הַֽנ …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 5th, 2022

A fixture of Jewish lore is Giluy Eliyahu, that is a revelation of Eliyahu the Prophet. What is this experience and how does it compare to prophecy and Ruach Hakodesh? Is it something that can still be experienced today? The Gemara (Sotah 48b) speaks of a cessation of the ability to experience prophecy and ruach Hakodesh in successive generations but notably never ruled out a final mode of divine revelation, the bas kol. (Elsewhere in Psychology …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 6th, 2022

How important is it to keep your word, even about the small things? I believe that trust, not just the literal kind, but the deep emotional kind, is built on consistent and reliable connection. If you say you’ll be home by a certain time, or will complete a certain task, keep your word. If you can’t, send an update. Our Gemara on Amud Beis tells as tragic story of a righteous man who was unable to keep his word, which highlights the d …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 8th, 2022

While conventional wisdom holds that men suffer from sexual deprivation more than women, the Talmudic perspective is more nuanced. The Gemara on Amud Beis tells us: אֲמַר לֵיהּ רַבִּי חִיָּיא בַּר יוֹסֵף לִשְׁמוּאֵל: מָה בֵּין מוֹרֵד לְמוֹרֶדֶת? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: צֵא וּלְמַד מִשּׁוּק שֶׁל זוֹנוֹת, מִי שׂוֹכֵר אֶת מִי? דָּבָר …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 9th, 2022

I want to address a sensitive topic regarding sexual challenges that can affect couples of all ages, especially but not exclusively, the newly married. A person may have a degree of misplaced piety and be overly scrupulous about sexuality, or just plain feel uncomfortable with sexual feelings and sensuality. Sometimes, being overscrupulous in the area of intimacy and halakha can be the result of naiveté and/or anxiety. After all, if a reli …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 9th, 2022

There are times where we must do distasteful things. The overall good or needs of the moment may override certain moral or ethical sensitivities. What should be your mindset so the experience is less corrupting? Mei HaShiloach (Lech Lecha 7) darshens our Gemara to elaborate on this theme. Avraham finds himself in a position where he was victorious in the war to win back his nephew, Lot. He is offered the spoils yet declines to take them because ( …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 11th, 2022

When is it permitted to have ulterior motives along with a mitzvah?  Our Gemara on amud aleph discusses the tragic ending of Nakdimon Ben Gurion who was immensely wealthy, but became impoverished.  The Gemara wonders what could he gave done to suffer such a fate when he gave abundantly to tzeddakah? One answer given is that he did the mitzvah in order to aggrandize himself.   Maharsha asks, did we not learn in Rosh Hashanah (4 …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 12th, 2022

Sometimes it’s frustrating when you encounter a beggar who claims to be suffering from various mishaps illnesses and misfortunes, but you wonder if he or she might be faking. It is a Torah violation to turn down a beggar (Devarim 15:7, Shulkhan Arukh YD 247:1), yet sometimes your gut tells you, “This is a scam”. Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the situation of the beggar who fakes his illness in order to inspire more generosi …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 13th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph relates that Rav recorded a halakhic question in a letter of greeting, by inserting it between the lines or margins.  Some commentaries explain that he did this because he wanted to limit the degree of permanence vested in the halakhic note, as he was reluctant to write down Oral Torah.  (See Rashi and Maharam Schiff.) From early childhood, we are taught that the Torah comes in two forms: The Written Torah and t …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 14th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the principal of Mitzvah Lekayyem Divrei Hames, it is a mitzvah to follow he instructions and fulfill the wishes of the deceased. What is the reason for this principle?  We might consider that it is for practical reasons, in order to effectuate the legal transfer of assets without complex kinyanim or contracts, since a person who is about to die may not have the time or tools to execute a proper will and te …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 15th, 2022

There are times that the people we love say self-deprecating and critical remarks: “I am such an idiot”. What is the respectful thing to do?  On the one hand, people do not like to be corrected and also want to be validated.  On the other hand, it is risky to be quiet because the person may feel insulted, thinking, “So you agree that I am a fool.”  And then, of course, sometimes the person really did somethi …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 16th, 2022

Our Gemara and Mishna on Amud Aleph discusses certain breaches in the marriage that forfeits the woman’s right to her kesuba.  One of these breaches are if the woman falsely pretended to not be a niddah, when in fact she was, leading to them having relations during a forbidden time. This phenomenon happens more often than people would like to believe.  I have no statistics, but having the privilege of working with couples for 28 y …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 16th, 2022

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses the situation of a man marrying a woman and then discovering that she had many oaths which has an impact on their personal life. This may invalidate the marriage, as he can say,  ‎אי אפשי באשה נדרנית I did not want to marry a woman who is a serial oath maker. Aside from the basic burden of being liable for too many restrictions, Maor Vashemesh (Matos 8) suggests a more characterological p …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 17th, 2022

Our Gemara at the end of Amud Beis tells us that Rabbi Yehuda holds that an oath made in public cannot be annulled . His proof is from the Gibeonites, who fooled Yehoshua into thinking they were foreigners and refugees from a distant land, leading them to make an oath and treaty with them (see Yehoshua chapter 9). Even though it was done under false pretenses, at least according to Rabbi Yehuda, the main reason why Yehoshua honored the oath is th …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 19th, 2022

How far does loyalty go?  Can you be married to a scoundrel but still see the good in him or her? Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses a feminine tendency to make peace with, and even appreciate the qualities of a husband, in spite of him not appearing objectively to be a good catch. אַבָּיֵי אָמַר: דְּשׁוּמְשְׁמָנָא גַּבְרָא כּוּרְסְיַהּ בֵּי חָרָאתָא רָמֵי לַהּ. Abaye sai …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 20th, 2022

As religions go, Judaism tends to be practical and avoids extreme asceticism, at least for the uninitiated. Even though marriage is not only about physical and sexual gratification, Judaism does not ignore the basic sensual and physical needs necessary to form and maintain a loving bond.  Amud Beis discusses marrying and then later discovering a deal breaking blemish. While we are on this topic, Akeidas Yitschok (Chayei Sarah 16) asks a seri …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 21st, 2022

As we saw in Psychology of the Daf Kesuvos 75, the Gemara identifies a feminine quality of being able to find a husband attractive and even noble, despite glaring external and personal flaws.  Yet it also is important to realize that this does not happen in a vacuum; she may be looking to find his good side but he also must endeavor to bring it out (see the Ben Yehoyada we quoted.) Our Gemara on Amud Aleph quotes the Mishna that describes ce …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 22nd, 2022

In psychology of the Daf (Kesuvos 70) we discussed the importance of liminal states. Whenever a person is in transition from one state to another, it is symbolic of rebirth. Psychologically speaking, many people regress or reactivate past traumas and attachment patterns when they pass from one life stage to another, such as a graduation or marriage. Rashi on Amud Aleph (Eimar) uses cryptic language to describe a woman when she is betrothed (arusa …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 23rd, 2022

It is important to show gratitude.  Sometimes gratitude does not involve much effort or expenditure, so long as it is sincere. Our Mishna on Amud Beis teaches us: הַמּוֹצִיא הוֹצָאוֹת עַל נִכְסֵי אִשְׁתּוֹ הוֹצִיא הַרְבֵּה וְאָכַל קִימְעָא קִימְעָא וְאָכַל הַרְבֵּה מַה שֶּׁהוֹצִיא הוֹצִיא וּמַה שֶּׁאָכַל אָכַל ה …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 23rd, 2022

Our Gemara engages in a complex legal discussion involving situations where a person provides an unsolicited service of value to another.  Say, for example, you enter into another person’s field and plow and plant it.  While he did not ask for this, the owner will receive some benefit for this, and therefore the halacha is that he must pay for the service nonetheless.  The amount is subject to adjustment though, and depends o …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 25th, 2022

There are times where ambiguity and uncertainty is more painful than direct confrontation, even if the confrontation is objectively more damaging than the pending-but-not-certain-to-be-realized event.  Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses an interesting psychological phenomenon, but to understand it in context we need to learn the sugya for a bit. If a man does Yibum he inherits the kesuba from his deceased brother which becomes re-activated fo …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 25th, 2022

Who wants to get married more, a man or a woman? Elsewhere in Psychology of the Daf (Yevamos 107) we discussed social research on gender attitudes toward marriage and various rabbinic assumptions. Today we will look at a different angle of willingness versus reluctance to marry.  Our Gemara on Amud Beis reports at first they would write the kesuba, but set aside the funds instead of having the husband’s entire estate subject to a lien. …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 28th, 2022

What is more motivating? A cheap reward that comes quickly or a significant reward that takes much longer to obtain? Our Gemara on Amud Beis references an adage, “בוצינא טב מקרא”.  Rashi translates botzina as a small gourd and Kara as a large gourd. The idea is the same as, “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.” That is, a person would prefer a small gourd, which he can eat right now, instead of waitin …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 28th, 2022

Does repentance halakhically depend on a verbal itemization in confession, or is it sufficient to simply confess that one has sinned? This is subject to a debate in Yoma (86b) between Rabbi Yehuda ben Bava and Rabbi Akiva. Rabbi Akiva holds that it is sufficient to confess sin in general, without specifying each trespass.  Our Gemara on Amud Beis states a general rule regarding halakha and Rabbi Akiva. The halakha is in accordance with Rabbi …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 30th, 2022

Are honest intentions the same as honesty?  If a person fully commits to something but later is unable to fulfill his pledge due to an unforeseen and legitimate change in circumstance, is that considered dishonest? Our Gemara on amud aleph discusses the idea of perias baal chov mitzvah, that there is a specific Torah directive to repay a loan.  But what is the scriptural source? Rashi uses the derasha found in Bava Metzi’a (49a): …
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