Previous
*Details have been changed to maintain confidentiality
Steve, a middle aged male has recently been arrested for vandalizing someone’s car. There was no connection between the two of them, other than they both wanted the same parking spot and had been circling the lot for over twenty minutes. To avoid jail time, Steve agreed to attend anger management classes. When he came in for the intake, he was adamant that he didn’t need help and was being forced to attend. Therapist offered the option of attending individual sessions to avoid the group if it would be approved through the court. Patient was able to relax a little bit, feeling someone was on his side. During the sessions, as the therapist empathized with Steve and continued to validate his not wanting to be there, he began to open up about other people’s behavior towards him throughout his life. After a few sessions he was able to make himself vulnerable and “agree” that some of his behaviors may be contributing to his troubles.
Let’s fast forward a few months. Steve would still become angry but his reaction to his anger was very different. He understood that it was okay to feel angry but what he did with the anger made all the difference. Steve was able to identify triggers and then work to prevent the buildup so he wouldn’t lose control of himself. It wasn’t about the other person anymore but what he could be doing differently to react to them. Steve learned to take responsibility. His thought process began to change along with physical reaction. The possibility of “doing time for the crime” decreased significantly. Steve felt calmer and was investing in rebuilding many relationships that had been destroyed over the years. He felt like a new person.
How did the change really happen? Through exploration of where his anger stemmed from. Steve spoke about a childhood trauma where he was violated. When he tried to tell someone, he was blamed although he was only a small child. As a result, he became very defensive and stopped trusting that others had his best interest in mind. As he continued to grow up, he was constantly picked on by others and never sure why they chose him. Steve did the bare minimum to get by, going from job to job. Eventually, he found employment where he didn’t need to interact much with others. This was an ideal job for him.
We are put into situations sometimes that we didn’t and wouldn’t choose for ourselves. But we have a choice. And the choice is what we do once we are able to recognize the unhealthy situation. There are options. Steve didn’t choose to be in therapy but he chose to be a patient.
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.