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In My Mind (and on the couch)
Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW A Selection Of Articles, Musings, And Information Detailing The Struggles Of The Ordinary Person; A Celebration Of The Individual's Resilience To Overcome Challenges And Live Authentically.
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My Parents Favor My Siblings: an adult child asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 5th, 2017

Question: I always felt my mother favored my other siblings over me This sounds so silly, especially because I am now married with my own children who I love very, very much,. I just felt she loved me less than everyone else. She didn't seem so interested in my life, I felt criticized often, and even today, I feel she gives my children less attention than their cousins. I feel very hurt and I wonder why it's like this and if I can change anythin …
It's NOT About You: a parent asks about her child's social life
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 4th, 2018

Question: My daughter is twelve. She is one of three classmates on the block who have always played together. Two years ago, Girl A started convincing Girl B not to play with my daughter. They started sneaking away from her, or suddenly having to go in when she tried to join them. The advice I got made me dizzy. One person told me she should foster a relationship with Girl B, but she was only getting hurt. Another advised me to ignore them, but …
Siblings in Grief: How grief affects siblings differently
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 27th, 2016

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FOR LINKS MAGAZINE, AN ORGANIZATION THAT ENRICHES THE LIVES OF CHILDREN AND TEENS WHO HAVE LOST PARENT(S) I don't know about you, but I really, really, really could not stand my little sister. I thought she was a kvetch, a nudge,a tattletale, and a big pain in the neck (and in other places I won't identify here!). She was also adorable, funny, smart, and lovable. She was seven years younger than me, …
Therapize me, therapize me not: here's my response to Mentor Betrayals
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 26th, 2017

Did I ever mention how I love controversy? Nah, right? Did I ever mention how much I love all my readers? The ones who turn to my column first each Monday morning, but especially the ones who hate my columns but somehow, even if they refuse to read them, have astonishing x-ray vision that allows them access to my articles enough to write angry letters to me and to my editors about them. Yep, I love you all. And really, I respect you even more. F …
Life Coaching? Not on your life!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 25th, 2018

I will say it straight out. Today's column is to explain why you should choose a therapist over a life coach except for in a few very specific situations (which you will find more to the end of this page). Yes, I am a therapist. Yes, I have very strong feelings about this. Yes, I know some excellent life coaches. Yes, I know some lousy therapists. And yes, I will say it again, and again, and again. If you need a therapist, choose to work with …
Therapy Shmerapy: My new book!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 23rd, 2017

In THERAPY, SHMERAPY; Demysifying Therapy Even for Those Who Don't Need It, you are in for a revealing session behind the closed doors of the therapy room. As a popular columnist, therapist Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW, has been dazzling her audience in Binah Magazine and on her blog. Here is the real story of therapy: honest, eye-opening, sharp, and often funny. In this collection of thought-provoking essays you will find out what is therapy; who need …
EMDR: Some New Initials to Make You Crazy--or Not?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 20th, 2016

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BINAH MAGAZINE'S BI-WEEKLY COLUMN "THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE"    It sounds so voodoo, so New Age, so really, really weird. But hey, everyone is doing it now and any therapist who works with trauma has gotta know this stuff, and anyway I could always use the CE's (continuing education credits needed for periodic re-certification for social workers), so I figured, “Why not?” So I …
Therapize me, therapize me not: a partial response to angry letters
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 19th, 2017

To my darling, dearest readers...even the ones who hate me and send your angry letters straight to the editor with specific instructions to fire me as a Binah columnist...I love you all. You make my life exciting and varied and keep me on my toes! The flood of emails in response to my column “Therapize me, Therapize me not: when teachers and mentors betray us” validated the purpose of the column. Thank you teachers who acknowledged t …
Holiday Brat: for my teen fans!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 18th, 2018

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S TEEN'S TWIRL  Because you are stuck here listening to me, I am going to tell you all about my niece who was the most absolutely adorable baby you have ever met in your whole entire life (no, I am not interested in your niece because there is no way anyone can ever compare with mine). She was deliciously fat, honey curls on her head, and a button nose perfect for kissing. I shlepped her …
(Angry) Letters in Response to: When We are Betrayed by Teachers and Mentors
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 13th, 2017

From: Sent: Monday, December 05, 2016 5:15 PM To: Mindy Blumenfeld
Subject: Question for therapy column Hi! Since I'm a teacher and sometimes act like a therapist to some of the teenagers I teach; I was very excited with the column you wrote this week! I teach in a school were the most of the girls are going through really tough challenges and struggling with yiddeshkeit at the same time. Some girls became really close to me and call/t …
My Kid Wants to Be a Superhero for Purim
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 13th, 2016

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST Question: One of my children wants to dress up as a superhero this Purim.I personally feel that I don't want my child dressing up as a superhero especially on a holy day like Purim, yet some of his friends are dressing up as superheroes, and I know a parent is supposed to "pick his battles." Do you think this is a battle worth fighting?   …
My Wife the Pesach Problem
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
March 11th, 2018

Question: My wife and I have a fairly good marriage, with the normal ups and downs of life. Our first (and only) newly married couple is coming for the first days of Pesach and I am dreading it. My wife is extremely stressed out every yom tov and I hate the tension of her frantic cleaning and endless attention to detail. She also insists on keeping the minhagim of her parents' home even though my parents are much more lax in their Pesach minhagi …
Relationships Matter: Meet Tante Reitzu
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 9th, 2018

Ready to talk about a relationship that is pretty neat — if only you let it happen? Great. Here goes. So first of all, in the olden days, before indoor plumbing and cars, when I was a little kid (just kidding! But it was a pretty long time ago when I was a kid!), aunts and uncles were really special. I was born about 20 years after the Holocaust ended and family was really important. Most of my friends came from small families that origi …
Parts 5 & 6 Baby Blues: The End
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 5th, 2016

Recap: Chava has returned for third session with husband’s support and has identified her goals and objective to alleviate symptoms of her post partum anxiety and depression. Her therapist assigned homework to establish baseline functioning in order to assess throughout therapy improvement in functioning.   Session Four   “I don’t know why I feel so much better,” Chava says. “It’s not like we did an …
When I Was a Nobody: followers and leaders
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 4th, 2017

The year is ending. College. Seminary. High School. Novices as work or internships. And the question is: will you lead with what you know or will you be a follower forever?  Thirty years ago, entering seminary in Eretz Yisroel, I remember the incredibly liberating feeling of being a nobody. I had been accepted (by the skin of my teeth) to a prestigious seminary in Yerushalayim and I was surrounded by the G.O presidents of every school, the …
My Daughter is Coming Home from Seminary in Israel: Help!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 3rd, 2018

Question: My oldest daughter is coming back from seminary and I am feeling a huge amount of anxiety about it. She doesn't know what she wants to do and I don't know what she should do. I really think she should go to one of the colleges where she can get a degree in one year and had tried to convince her to take those tests for credits when she was in high school but she refused. Now she is undecided and seems paralyzed (like me) about her choic …
Quality Time in the Catskills? a parent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 26th, 2016

Question: An integral part of my family life is spending quality "family time" with my children. When we go to the bungalow colony in the summer, I feel that because all the families are so close together, we lose that special "family time" element. How can I preserve that over the summer?   Answer: To be perfectly honest, your question puzzles me. I do not quite understand how going to the bungalow colony interferes in your family time. If …
When a Father is Missing: (dead or alive)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 25th, 2017

Mothers have been getting a bad rap in my column. The borderline. The narcissist. And I think it’s about time we give everybody equal opportunity here and let the guys be bashed for once. Heads up all you males who read my columns; this one’s about you! Yes, there are borderline fathers. Most certainly there are narcissistic fathers. There are plenty of lousy fathers (a round of applause out there to the fathers who are doing a prett …
Selfish! Or: Selfish?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 19th, 2016

What would you do if your daughter kvetches that she has to load the dishwasher every night after supper? Or if your son complains that he doesn't want to do the Erev Shabbos errands anymore? How would you respond to yet another child who balks at visiting his grandfather motzai Shabbos, or yet another who refuses to babysit when you need to leave to a wedding or levaya? What would your reaction be to the mother who cries that she is sick of doi …
If You Are Leader or Follower
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 18th, 2017

Let me tell you about a terrible thing I once did as a teacher. I worked for a kiruv school at one point, teaching junior high school to students who were mostly first and second generation immigrants of various countries. There was a silent hierarchy that had evolved in which second generation immigrant students held first generation immigrants in contempt. Worst off were the children who themselves were immigrants. The children had absolutely …
Summer Sore Loser: How to help you daughter this summer
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 17th, 2018

WRITTEN FOR TWIRL, BINAH MAGAZINE'S TEEN SUBSECTION Cheaters are the worst kinds of people. So are sore losers. Cheaters and sore losers. Whether you are sleep away camp or day camp, you know exactly who I mean. Those girls that need to cheat to win every game. Those girls who are the biggest sore losers if they don't. I mean what is their pro-o-o-blem? So what if they are out at jumprope? So what if they are out at machayanim—or dodgeball …
Mindfulness is the New Black
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 15th, 2016

NOTE: originally published by Binah Magazine   Here's the honest-to-goodness truth: I wake up every morning excited to start my day. I love what I do, who I meet (yes, I mean you, my wonderful, interesting, and hard-working client!), and what I accomplish. I love babysitting my grandchildren (even the one who shrugs her little one-year old shoulder at me and totally snubs me out), and I love having my married children over for Shabbos meals …
Middle Sister, Monkey in the Middle: another article for my teen readers
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
June 11th, 2017

I'm assuming that because you read my first column about sister relationships, you and your sister have worked everything out by now. Gasp! You didn't? So let's talk some more about that. And the reason I can talk about it is because I have two sisters. That makes me an expert on sisters. One of my sisters is seven years younger than me and one of them is seven years older. I also have a brother stuck in someplace, but this article is about sist …
Is It Okay for My Therapist to Give ME a Gift? Part 2 about Gifting
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 7th, 2018

  So I am writing my column on the ethics of a therapist accepting gifts from clients. And like I had written, I was really sure that it is unethical to accept gifts. Until I did some research for my column, and unbelievably, not only is it not unethical to accept gifts from clients (of course under the right circumstances as explained in my article), but not accepting gifts can be really bad therapy. And that is unethical. And because I l …
I'm in Therapy: How Do I Honor My Parents (and do I even want to?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 3rd, 2017

Dear Mindy, Your weekly insights brought forth a question which has been niggling me for a while. Several of your articles, including the ones regarding BPD mothers and the one on attachment have left me wondering Does the topic of Kibbud Horim (the commandment of honoring one's parents) ever reach the therapy room? It appears as if most, if not all, adults who enter therapy have some sort of childhood scar/issue which comes up through the course …
Dumb Things Teachers Say to Our Kids in Therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 3rd, 2016

Just for the record let me say that I am awed by our religious community. I should say communities, plural, but that would imply divisiveness and I am loath to put to paper any indication of that. Although we have our issues, I applaud our wonderful schools, menahalim and menahalos, principals and teachers who are dedicated, invested, and involved in their students' lives. I met a menahel of a yeshiva who told me how he keeps his eyes out for st …
Sandtray Secrets: When my clients play with sand and stuff
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 31st, 2016

A few years ago, I walked into a colleague's therapy office, and I didn't want to leave. From floor to ceiling, her shelves were lined with hundreds of miniatures. Miniature people, objects, and landscapes; realistic, fantastical, magical, and mythical. And in the center of her room was a sandbox. “Sandtray therapy,” she said, noticing my reaction. “I do sandtray with my clients.” Her clients were adults, not children. Wh …
Hoopla About the Hug: May My Therapist Hug Me?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 24th, 2016

Okay, so you want to know what's with the hug. The hug? Yep, the hug. The hug most clients want from their therapists whether or not they dare ask for it. Oh, that hug. It's a taboo subject, you know. It's not a something I would ask another therapist. Like, “Do you hug your clients?” because we are not supposed to be hugging clients. That's all in the literature. Go on line and try to find stuff on therapist hugging clients. It …
Love Addiction, Love Obsession: a short story
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 1st, 2018

“Oh my goodness!” Chava exclaimed when she chanced upon Eva in the supermarket aisle, their overloaded carts bumping into each other between the cereals and cornflake crumbs. “How have you been?” “What's it been?” asked Eva, conveying her delight in meeting Chava. “Nine years since I graduated high school?” “More like forever!” joked Chava. “Where have been at all these years …
Mourn Until Morn (or even longer): Grieving the first year after a loss
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 19th, 2018

This article will be published as part of my book by Menucha Publishers, tentatively titled The Hillel Series. Check it out in March 2026 …
Who's Who in Therapy: those confusing initials demystified
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 18th, 2016

So I just came back from the Nefesh Conference this week. Whew. Lots of fun. Lots of new information. Lots of new people! Nefesh International is a Jewish Orthodox organization for mental people—oops! I mean for professionals in the field of mental health (like me), and rabbis who are involved with the issues our communities are confronted with daily. Believe it or not, Nefesh spans the world and has branches not only in the USA but also i …
The Ungrateful Child Fights Back: The Narcissistic Parent Part 2
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 16th, 2017

            So how was your Shabbos?             Didn't know you had a narcissistic mother, did you? Or spouse? Or somebody-or-other in your life? Until you read Part 1 of the Narcissistic Mother in my column. And now you are blown away with understanding what you have lived with until now. Why you have always blamed yourself, lost confid …
Green Grass, Green Envy: The nature of people
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 14th, 2018

  Question: Every Shabbos Nachamu, my entire neighborhood leaves to the Catskill Mountains. They go to family or friends who have bungalows or summer homes there. It’s very hard for me to stay home with my family when I know that my sister-in-law has a large summer home that has plenty of room for all of us but can’t be bothered to invite us. In general I feel that she disdains our family for not being of her social (rich) calibe …
Ungrateful Child, Look How Much I Do for You! : The Narcissistic Mother Part I
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 10th, 2017

Shabbat is here. Mothers all over the world are cleaning, cooking, inviting married children, and babysitting grandchildren. Some are overworked, some are harried, some are a little frustrated at their married children who leave plates in the sink and let their children run wild at six in the morning. But overall, the home feels warm and inviting, the grandchildren loved and cossetted.           & …
Old? Old! (Not me!)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
July 10th, 2016

So sue me. I don't feel old. I don't mind growing old. At every older stage, I actually enjoy myself even more. I can't even imagine being five years younger. That would be pre-grandchildren. Awful to even contemplate. I look forward to being five years older. So many more rich experiences waiting for me. Maybe I will get to that African Safari I have been dying to explore. Maybe by then my youngest will be engaged (married is pushing it...) and …
The Screaming Sister-in-Law: What to do?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 7th, 2018

QUESTION: I have a sister in law who is an outgoing  and loving person. She's the type who many of my sisters in law call when they need validation-- she really listens well. She also  really listens to her kids (or so it seems!) many times and makes sure they get all the help they need. However, she has a serious anger issues. I'm older than her and it seems to be that I'm the only one that sees its detrimental effects on her children …
My Daughters Hate Each Other: a parent asks a therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 29th, 2017

Q. My fifteen year old is driving my twelve year daughter crazy (let me call them Esti and Faige, respectively). Although they never got along, this year has been the worst. Faige is a very easy going, sweet girl and Esti is demanding and always complaining. Esti complains that Faige doesn't help at home, or that Faige is bothering her (which is hard to believe especially when I don't see Faige doing anything), or any number of things she can th …
Egocentricism: Part 2 Because there is so much more to say!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 28th, 2018

In Part 1 of my column on egocentrism in relationships, I had written that when people have difficulties in relationships, I assess for egocentrism in either of the two people involved in the relationship (whether in my client or the other) in order to help my client manage this difficult relationship successfully. Do you know how easily I can assess that? Here's the secret. If a person says, “I don't understand my rebellious son/unfriendly …
My Daughter Doesn't Want to Date: a parent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 23rd, 2017

Question: Our daughter finished seminary and she says she does not want to meet any prospective shidduchim yet. We have never had an easy time with her. She doesn't communicate to us and is often in a bad mood, although she does have friends and seems fine with them. We have two daughters directly underneath her and we don't have the luxury of waiting until she claims she will be ready, which we are afraid may be never. She doesn't seem to have …
What's the Deal with the Egocentric Person in my Life?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 20th, 2018

Relationships.
If you want to know the number one reason people enter therapy, it’s because of relationships. Sure, they will tell you they are having panic attacks. They will talk about hating school. You will hear the struggle to find a job, to get accepted to seminary, to find a shidduch, to be organized, overcome trauma, or dozens and dozens other presenting issues with which people enter therapy. But do some digging, and everythi …
Vamoosing on Vacation
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 1st, 2017

We felt like kids again. When we walked in to our writing workshop one evening, our group leader had pulled out her sand tray and displayed a variety of miniatures for us to work with a la sand play therapy. “Create your vacation,” she urged us at the end of our workshop, and we did. Yocheved put herself on a secluded beach, a book near her, some food, and as she pondered the little menchies, debated whether or not her children were …
A Top Shidduch: Between client and therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 17th, 2017

It's a shidduch. Plain and simple. And you got to do your research before walking into it. Or, before walking out of it. Therapist and client. And sometimes you have to be your own matchmaker. I reached out to my Nefesh listserv and asked 700 hundred therapists from around the United States, Canada and Israel to comment on what they think is important for a client to know about her therapist before committing to therapy. Even after they have a …
Angry Responses to My Response of the Screaming Sister-in-Law
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 14th, 2018

My column on the screaming sister in law garnered a heated response. Here is the one that was furious at me, and the rest who were furious at the letter writer for not understanding the pain of a child. Any comments from you?   Dear Mindy
Your articles are always informative, interesting , edifying , enlightening ,and self effacing . I've seen you write so many wise observations , you are obviously accomplished and very talented -both …
Money, Money, Money
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
January 10th, 2017

You know what is the hardest thing to talk about in therapy? Money. Weird, no? But true. Clients will talk about anything, and I mean anything, but when it comes to money, they suddenly clam up. As a therapist, I need to look out for those money secrets. Because not always do I read minds and when I do not read my client's mind, I do not realize that when is happening in front of me is all about money. You want to know what I am talking about? T …
When Force is a GOOD FORCE: getting the reluctant client into therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 5th, 2017

They come into my office and they stonewall me. You know who I mean. You know what I mean. The teenager who sits in the chair, grumpy. Refusing to engage. Like, “You dragged me here and I am here, but don't even think I am going to do anything else in here.” Yep. And the spouses—usually the husband—who acts the same way. And that's when they actually come into the therapy room. What about all those children, teens, and ad …
Should My Daughter Work in an Office?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 3rd, 2018

Question: A while back you wrote a column about going to work in an office versus teaching. Can you address the issues that can occur in an office? If my daughter doesn’t care where she works, in an office or in a school, is there a reason to guide her towards teaching rather than an office that may not be a good place for a frum girl? I am asking this question because we live in a community where the girls are not encouraged to go on to s …
When We Are Betrayed by Teachers and Mentors
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 28th, 2017

I love teachers. I was a teacher for loads of years before I became a therapist. Sometimes I was a great teacher, sometimes lousy. I loved my students to pieces. I found them funny and interesting and lively and smart. I also found them a handful. They exhausted me, challenged me, irritated me. I miss the classroom. I miss the passion and excitement and butterflies in my stomach from sheer nervousness of walking int o a classroom loaded with tee …
Costume Clashes! Parenting Problems on Purim
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 27th, 2018

Question: We have three sons and then three daughters ranging in ages ten years to ten months. Our middle son who is eight wants to choose a costume with a secular theme for Purim. My husband and I feel that contradicts the message of Purim, which is not to assimilate with the non-Jewish culture. This child is a strong-minded, opinionated child and we do not want to necessarily begin a battle over this, but we feel it will be the first of many s …
Should I Buy A Summer Home? ask the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 19th, 2017

Question: I know this is a funny question to ask now when it's in the middle of the winter, but I need to make a decision now about the summer. We want to buy a summer home in a new bungalow colony that is opening up in the Catskills, but I am worried. In general, I do not have friends, and I had a hard time making friends in high school. My children are outgoing, like my husband, and are begging me to go. I do not have sisters and my mother, wh …
About Grandmothers: for my teen audience
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 18th, 2018

“Mindy,” I am sure you wondering, “Why are you writing articles on how relationships matter when you sound like you were pretty awful at relationships when you were a kid?” That is a great questions! My mother and my older sister, and my younger sister, and my brother, and my cousins who live in Israel and America, and my aunts and uncles, and all the kids on my block, and all their parents, and the kids in my classes fro …
Rabbis in Therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 12th, 2017

I am warning you right off that I am going to sound real religious in this column. So if you are totally not interested, you can skip this article right now. It's fine. I will wait for you to leave so I can get on with writing this for other girls who are not scared off by religious stuff. Or religious people. Especially therapists (gasp!). Are you gone yet? What are you still doing here? Hanging around pretending you are reading something else? …
Please join our Mrs. Sokol fan club chat
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 10th, 2018

To all of you who were students or colleagues or friends of Mrs. Sokol, I am reaching out to you to give back to Mrs. Shirley Sokol only a fraction of what she gave to us. Mrs. Sokol, as interesting and intelligent as ever, unfortunately has retired from teaching because of her health. She has impaired vision today and can no longer read. For someone used to learning every second of her life, not being able to read is devastating. We are putting …
Mrs. Shirley Sokol: My Second Grade Teacher
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
February 10th, 2018

  If you happen to be in Mrs. Sokol's house, and want to poke around, I will bet the letter I sent her over forty years is somewhere there still. And the note I left on her desk will be hanging in her kitchen. And if you tell her I send my regards, she will know exactly who I am, even if I write under a pseudonym. Mrs. Sokol was my second grade teacher in Rabbi Balkany's school over forty years ago, in the building on 14th Avenue, that now b …
Choosing a Kallah Teacher for Your Daughter: a former kallah teacher speaks
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 9th, 2017

I used to be a Kallah teacher, before I became a therapist. I found this article in my files, never published. I know that I tried to publish it in many venues only to have it turned down repeatedly. I assume that it is because no publication felt comfortable with such information in a public forum. This article is a little rough around the edges, but the content remains relevant today as it was ten years ago when I wrote it. So here it is:  …
The Bipolar Problem
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 5th, 2016

There are no easy answers. But what I try to do in these columns about therapy is to at least raise the questions. To build awareness. So that readers can make educated choices instead of experiencing panicked reactions. Sometimes, parents bring a teen into therapy with symptoms like decreased need for sleep, risk-taking behaviors, and racing thoughts. It is important, when a teen's behavior changes drastically—or appears to change drastic …
Dreams and Dreamers: Is that you?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 31st, 2017

Confession here. Usually when I write a column, it is about therapy stuff that I know. And know well. Stuff that I have studied, stuff that I practice, things that I am seriously invested in. Today, I am going to talk about something I know nothing about. To be perfectly honest, the subject fascinates me, intrigues me, entices me. But yet, even though I three books on dreams in my office, including Sigmund Freud's epic work, The Interpretation o …
What Type of Husband Does My Daughter Really Need?: A parent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 2nd, 2017

Question: This past bein hazmanim has been the first time we were actively involved in shidduchim for our oldest daughter who has just returned from seminary and it sounds terrible to say but I am relieved that she did not get engaged. It was a nightmare. Although my wife and I have a different way of looking at things, for the most part, until this parshah of shidduchim, we have managed to work things out. But I don't know how we will navigate …
My Daughter Hates Helping!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 25th, 2017

Question: I am tearing my hair out from my youngest, teenage daughter. She is the only daughter left at home except for two younger brothers and another away at yeshiva. She does well in school socially and academically, and we are a close family. Lately she is giving me a hard time that she doesn’t want my married children to move in for Shabbos. This girl does not do a thing throughout the week. I rarely ask for her help with household c …
Keeping Up the Reputation (even if you don't have one)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 25th, 2016

When I was in the parshah of shidduchim, you would think that my chosson would be impressed with my credentials as being a BJJ graduate. But he was not. He had no idea that there was anything prestigious about it because he was from Eretz Yisroel and as far as he knew, my seminary was housed in the Bais Yaakov and that meant that I learned in the zoo. Literally. Because in my days, the Bais Yaakov building was adjacent to the Biblical Zoo (which …
What Your Therapist Knows Even When You Don't Say a Word! the here-and-now of therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 18th, 2016

My sister-in-law, who I love dearly, meets me on the street. “We were just talking about you,” she tells me, “and this is what we want to know. Do you analyze people? I mean, like when you meet friends, or me, on the street?” I laughed. And I told her the truth. No, I don't do that. And I also told her the absolute truth about me. That I am seriously the worst person to be a social worker. Because therapy is all about rea …
When Death Can Be Deadly
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 17th, 2017

The moment we are are born, we are already one second closer to our deaths. Which is why it seems to make little sense that we live in denial that it will occur, or we strive strenuously to avoid any reminder or sense of it. We speak of it in hushed tones, we think we must shield children from it, we quiet the voices in our head by pretending moisturizer or botox or a new car will save us from the inevitable. When I was a new therapist in pri …
Thank you for Reading My Blog
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 16th, 2018

Enjoy the articles already posted on this website and those published before 2016 at frumtherapist.com as well. Thank you all for reading my blog but I will no longer be posting. If you want to read more of my articles, you can keep updated through Binah Magazine which publishes my columns on therapy bi-weekly in the main magazine, and I have another teen column in Twirl, which is published bi-monthly as a Binah teen supplement. I also write essa …
Stuff I Don't Know About Teens But Need to Say Anyway
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
December 11th, 2016

Today I am just talking out loud. I do not have answers, only questions. I have no statistics, no research, no hard core data. I am not part of a fact-finding team, nor an expert in this field. I am simply a therapist who is working with teens and I am sad. Really, really sad. I wish I can blame someone for what is happening. Parents would be perfect. Rebbeim or teachers. Principals or menahalim of schools and yeshivas. It would be so convenient …
Desperate But Not Mentally Ill: a shidduch question for the shidduch season
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 6th, 2018

  Question: Dear Mindy, I know this is not a question that can be really answered in a column, but I feel whatever light you can shed on this issue will benefit not only me but many of my single friends. I am a divorced 28 years old in shidduchim. As you can imagine, I am being redt the strangest suggestions. Even though I am a fairly mainstream Bais Yaakov-type of girl, teaching in a local high school, it's not only my age and divorce statu …
Getting My Kids into School Again: Ask the Therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 6th, 2016

Question: Every year when we return from the country,I have a lot of trouble getting my children back into normal routine. Do you have any advice on how to make this transition easier?   Answer: This problem is the bane of all teachers and principals. As I was once an elementary school teacher, I can attest to the work I put in all year into my students, how engaged and committed they were to school, and how much information and skills th …
Here's a link to an interview on Kol-Isha Website
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 30th, 2016

For those of you who are interested in a beautiful website geared to women and navigating a successful marriage--and divorce--here's a link. COUPLES THERAPY: WHEN SHOULD I SEEK HELP in an interview I gave that you will find on the website.  http://kol-isha.org/     …
When Your Kid Loses a Friend: Social Trauma
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 28th, 2016

  Sometimes, I cannot breathe with their pain. When I was a teenager, I lived the social misery of worrying about friends. If I had them. If I lost them. What to do at any given second of time to keep them. So I am no stranger to the social drama that makes up high school. But I absolutely do not remember ever feeling the complete feeling of annihilation my clients are describing in the drama of their social lives. And I do not say this flip …
Going To Prison: How Can I Forgive?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 27th, 2018

  My husband's brother is going to jail for eighteen months and with good behavior will be out in about a year. This is devastating to our family. We are a very close family, and we had no idea that he was involved in some illegal, white-collar activities. When he was first arrested, the family raised money for his defense lawyer and did everything they could to help him. At this point, I am sick of everyone feeling sorry for him and being p …
The Borderline Mother Responds: and I apologize
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 21st, 2016

Of all my columns, my article on mothers with borderline personality disorder has evoked the most passionate responses. Teens and adult children of mothers BPD thanked me for validating their experiences and giving them a voice. Mothers, recognizing for the first time their behavior in terms of a possible BPD diagnosis, reached out for help. And then I received two more emails from mothers with BPD. And I owe them a public apology. Because in my …
Co-Dependency: what it is, what it is not
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 19th, 2018

  Co-dependent. Everyone uses the word without knowing what it really means. If somebody does not like the brother-in-law married to their sister, and miracles of miracles, their sister likes him anyway, the family is already labeling her co-dependent. And sometimes they may be right and sometimes they may be wrong. But what is certain is that nobody I know that has used this word to describe family members, their neighbors, or even themselv …
The Borderline Mother: Can we save her children?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 16th, 2016

I write this column to teachers and rebbes, principals and menahalim, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors and family friends, and especially for the rav and rebbetzin. This column is about the borderline mother and to give her child a voice so we may hear and do. I will not talk of the borderline mother who is so dysfunctional that her dress disorderly, always in conflict with some one or another, alienating her family, her friends, often div …
My Husband Wants to Become a Social Worker: ask the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
August 12th, 2018

Question: My husband was in Kollel for nine years and then in the classroom for 3. He's thinking about getting a degree in social work and I'm really scared it will change the wonderful person I know. Not to put you down, Mindy, and I don't know you at all-- do you think that social work school can change a person's Yiddishkeit level? What about his interactions with family? He is the kind of person people feel drawn to and talk to etc and he fe …
Angry Responses: Life Coaching Revisited
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 9th, 2018

Life Coaching vs Therapy READERS RESPOND The facts and viewpoints presented in Mindy Blumenfeld’s article on life coaching vs. therapy were sound, but the title was distracting, as it screamed “Opinion! Never ever! Non-discussion!” I had to delete that from my mind in order to go back and actually concentrate on the discussion presented. As someone who goes to both therapy and coaching, and as someone who is trained as a coach …
I'm So Depressed (or am I just sad?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 9th, 2017

Hang around some teenage girls and this is what you often hear: “I’m so depressed!” And that statement is usually followed by: “I just found another pimple,” or “I hate studying for tests,” or “The ice cream store didn’t have any more pistachio left.” Hang around some teenage girls at a Links Shabbos (Links is an organization that reaches out to children whose parent(s) has died) …
A Smashing Yom Tov or Smashing into Yom Tov? grieving during the holidays
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 3rd, 2016

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY LINKS, A MAGAZINE GEARED TOWARDS TEENS WHO HAVE FACED THE LOSS OF A PARENT Groa-a-a-an. If that’s your reaction to the idea of Pesach coming up, then this article is for you. Forget about the cleaning for Pesach. That’s not what you are dreading—although it just may not be your most favorite activity (mine neither; that’s why I start my Pesach cleaning two weeks before Pesach …
He's Not As Religious as I Am (but I'm married to him)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 30th, 2017

  Question: I've seen this question asked in many different ways in different magazines, but I really have not heard a satisfactory response, so I am trying you now. My husband, who is an excellent father and husband, is just not as religous as I would want him to be. He also want me to change my standards. Skirts shorter than the four inches below the knee and longer wigs than either my or his siblings wear. He wants to know what is wrong w …
When a Father Dies, and so Does the Passover Seder
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 2nd, 2017

This beautiful piece was written by my teen client who allowed me a glimpse into her pain, and wanted to share it so that others can understand the impact of a father-loss. Pesach is probably the hardest time for a fatherless family. Because it's all about the father and the child and the seder. Here are her words: Originally published in Binah Magazine Totty. Dark, untidy frizzes border his soft, pale face. He is my father…..my dear fath …
Is It Okay to Give My Therapist a Gift?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 29th, 2018

Exposure therapy here. At least, I will be exposing myself to all my readers. But hey, it's the least I can do when all the other times I am exposing other therapists, therapy itself, and other stuff to my loyal (and not-so-loyal) public. What's this about, you want to know? Gift-giving. And gift-getting. Now that the end of the year is upon us, and clients all over the world are pondering whether or not they should be giving their therapists …
When Cockroaches are Guests and Guests Feel Like Cockroaches
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 26th, 2016

Note: This article was originally published in LINKS Magazine, published by LINKS, an organization that offers support, retreats, teleconferences, Shabbatons/get-together and other services for teens who have lost a parent(s). I am totally not interested in your kvetching about your Yom Tov horror stories being guests in other people's homes, because right now I am going to tell you MY horror stories being a guest every single, bingle Shabbos an …
Nothing Changed! When the family complains about the client (or therapy!)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
April 23rd, 2017

“Nothing changed,” complains the wife, the husband, the parent, the teacher, the friend, the sibling. It didn't? Because the nothing-changed—client is sitting slumped in his chair in my room wondering how on earth he can ever convince anyone that he did—that he still is—when his gargantuan efforts have gone so spectacularly unnoticed. In response to reaching out to my listserv at Nefesh International about chan …
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