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Hegyon Libi
Elisheva Liss, LMFT A look at the commonly asked question: How often should couples be intimate? Data, Torah, and practical advice.
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she secretly wished her husband would die...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 1st, 2018

She secretly wished her husband would die…. By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Shaindy’s eyes filled before she lowered them to examine her lap. She had been feeling stuck and hopeless in her marriage for several years. She had carefully and deliberately chosen to remain for the sake of her children; her husband wasn’t dangerous or malicious. But she often found Mutty’s behavior toward her selfish, thoughtless, lazy, and dise …
Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 7th, 2017

Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week’s Parsha By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT It seems that every time we click on a newsfeed, there are more accusations of sexual assault against high profile personalities. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #metoo movement, it can begin to feel that we have entered an epidemic of sexual corruption. Yet “There is nothing new under the sun,” teaches King Shlomo, wisest of men.   …
sexual abuse with no abuser
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 13th, 2017

Sexual Abuse with No Abuser By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Beila and Sruly (pseudonyms) are a handsome and charming couple in their 20’s. They were referred by Beila’s private therapist, for an unconsummated marriage, though they’ve been married for over a year. Beila’s severe case of genophobia and vaginismus had prevented any physical penetration or intercourse. In their first couple’s session they present as a ple …
Sacrificing Souls on the Altar Of Tzniyus
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
January 18th, 2022

In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …
Rethinking the phrase "off the derech"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 2nd, 2017

Rethinking the Phrase:  “Off the Derech”   Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it. One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purpos …
Religiously Stuck Husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 18th, 2021

This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column:   Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
Religiously Based Rape and its Devastating Repercussions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 5th, 2022

“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins. “My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.” What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship. She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relat …
Relationship Uncertainty
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column*  Dear Elisheva,   I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …
Racism and Rus-ism: Discrimination and Jewish Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 28th, 2020

Do you send your children to Yeshivas? If so, do you feel they get enough education about how to think about and interact with people who are different from them- religiously, socio-economically, and racially? I’m not asking because I know for sure whether they do- schools are all different and have their own priorities. I’m asking because as parents, I think it’s an important question to consider. Once again, more disturbing in …
Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 26th, 2018

The Pros and Cons of Scheduled Sex Dates By: Elisheva Liss LMFT “About how often would you guys say you are physically intimate?” This question is part of my standard couple intake session, even if the clients have not specifically said they ware coming to work on their sexual relationship. The answer helps me understand a little about what is percolating beneath the surface of the stuff that is easier to discuss, or seems more pressi …
Problems with the Rebbe
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
January 13th, 2022

This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …
Preparing to Reopen a Post-trauma World
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 8th, 2020

Well- it seems like it's finally happening; after all these surreal days and weeks and months. But how do we prepare for a post-traumatic stress-flavored world? With all the talk about reopening, we still find ourselves just as torn and conflicted as we’ve been for the past three months. (With an ideological civil war to ice the cake on the Pandemic.) The only consistent theme of this COVID19 era is perhaps the inconsistency of it. The lack …
Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week's Parsha
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 5th, 2018

Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha   There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi …
Please DON'T Fake It Til You Make It
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 9th, 2019

Several years ago, I had been invited to an event that also featured a talk for kallah teachers, giving by a woman who trains them. At the end, she entertained some questions from the audience. One young Rebbetzin raised her hand: “What should I tell a girl, who after 7-8 months of marriage is feeling no physical pleasure with her husband at all? She even finds the whole thing unpleasant..” A few other women looked up and nodded, thei …
Parented by G-d, Parenting G-d's Children
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 28th, 2023

Avinu Malkeinu: A Liturgically Inspired Essay on Parenthood Parented by G-d, and Parenting G-d’s Children One of the most challenging, if unoriginal, theological struggles for me personally has always been the tension between the idea of a loving G-d and suffering of the innocent. The analogy we were taught as Yeshiva kids was based on the verse in Deuteronomy: “For as a father afflicts his child, so G-d afflicts you.” We were t …
Parental Plane Letter to My Child Going Off to Israel
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 9th, 2018

In preparation for Rosh Chodesh Elul, I am deviating from my usual blogging style to share something a bit more personal. The following is adapted from a letter I wrote my son a year ago as he went off to study in Yeshiva in Israel. At the time, it was just between me and him. But a year later, I've removed the parts that were privately for him, and adapted the sentiments for use by any parents who may feel the same way, and want to share or adap …
Our Daughter Blames Us for her Marriage Problems
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 28th, 2022

*This post originally appeared as a State of Mind Column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My family is in a complicated state right now. We are blessed with several children, but this matter only concerns two of them. Our oldest daughter is in her 20s and has been married for a few years; let’s call her “Leah.” She’s a wonderful girl, married to a great guy, but at this point our relationship with them is ver …
Our Broken Homes: Pornography in the Holy of Holies
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 29th, 2020

  This week, we sit shiva for our shattered world. This week we mourn our broken homes. Our temple was destroyed, and even now we continue to watch the walls burn around us. The Churban didn’t just happen millennia ago, but we are taught by Chazal that the damage is ongoing. Hatred, strife, and ignorance fan the flames of destruction, pain, abandonment, and abuse. We don’t see the fire and violence engulfing the actual Temple tod …
Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2018

Orthodox Women and Sexual Self-Pleasuring by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Kayla (pseudonym) was referred to me a number of years ago, by her caring Rebbetzen and mentor, for what she described as a “very sensitive, urgent problem, of a sexual nature.” The following week, the poised, pleasant, 20 year old young woman showed up for intake and described her presenting problem as follows: “I know I look and sound like a normal person. But I …
On touching your wife: a guide for perplexed husbands
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 17th, 2018

How to Touch Your Wife: A Guide for Perplexed Husbands   Affectionate Touch vs. Erotic Touch   Elisha and Ariella are a charismatic couple in their early 30s, with a frisky toddler, and a baby on the way. They generally treat each other well, and enjoy a strong marital friendship. But there has been some tension between them lately, that we’re trying to sort through. “I just feel pushed away a lot of the time,” Elisha …
On Teaching Kids about the Birds and the Bees
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 28th, 2017

Teaching Children about “The Birds and the Bees” By: Elisheva Liss LMFT There are, essentially, only two ways for kids to hear about sex: their parents, and Someplace Else. While that “someplace else” may be any one of a number of sources, what those sources tend to share is a lack of parental input. Whether it’s the school bus, sleepaway camp, a dirty joke, a teacher, or a predator- chances are, if it doesn’t …
On Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 24th, 2018

Choosing to Remain in an Imperfect Marriage By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   Leah closes her eyes and pauses for a moment, then swallows. I’ve come to recognize this subtlety as a cue that something deeply personal and profound will follow. I cross my legs, trying to be patient and open, and refocus on her face. I didn’t record her exact words, and I wish I had, because she was honest, wise, clear, and calm, but below is my paraphrase o …
Not Attracted to her Spouse: Part 2 Some Answers to Your Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 19th, 2019

Not Attracted to Her Spouse Part 2: Some Answers to Your Questions   My recent blog post “I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” has attracted significantly more views, shares, and responses in its first week than any of my other posts here so far. I am grateful to those who emailed or commented to say that it resonated as true and/or validated feelings for them. And I would like to address those who disagreed or raised other poi …
No Camp?! What Are We Supposed to Do??
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 21st, 2020

Are you one of the many parents who thought they were finally going to get a much-needed break from 24/7 parenting by sending your kids to summer programs, only to find out that now you’re not? Families are scrambling and pivoting plans each day, as the news from the summer programs trickles out and keeps changing. In case this all hasn’t been stressful enough. Last week, I was excited to pre-launch my Intro to Homeschooling course, w …
New Order of Priorities Now:
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 31st, 2020

Medical Safety of Your Family and Everyone Else- Community and the General Public Basic Necessities: Food, Toiletries, Hygiene, Household Supplies Psychological Safety of Your Family and Anyone for Whom You’re Responsible Emotional Well-Being of Your Family et al. Functionality of Your Family- Systems that Work FOR YOU and Each Family Member Making Money- You Know, Like to Feed Your Family and Stuff Creative and Contributive Outlets Social …
National Trauma: A Message from Zachor and Amalek
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 14th, 2019

  Trauma, Repression, and Obsession: A Lesson from Zachor and Amalek When terrible things happen, it’s natural to react intensely. It can be a tremendous challenge to move beyond the event and forward into “regular life”. Two extreme coping mechanisms include obsession and repression. Obsession is when our minds become preoccupied with the experience to the point where it takes up more brain space than we want it to, and in …
"My Wife HATES Sex- What Should I do?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 16th, 2019

My Wife Hates Sex- What Should I Do? Really glad you asked. It’s very painful for a man with a healthy libido to be in a marriage where he feels undesired and constantly rejected. Desire discrepancy can be an issue for any relationship, but when your partner never wants touch, there is often cumulative frustration and resentment on both ends. For many couples, sexual activity dates are few and far between, or even when the wives “agre …
"My Kid 'Frummed Out' in Israel- Should I Be Glad or Concerned?" 7 Talking Points for Parents
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 7th, 2018

My Kid “Frummed out” in Israel: Should We be Glad or Concerned? Seven Talking Points for Parents By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT   “It’s not that I mind Rachel becoming more religious; we expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to Israel for the year. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore, …
"My Husband's 'zera l'vatala' Will Be My Fault"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 10th, 2020

*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …
"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 22nd, 2019

“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me”  A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her   This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …
Moving Forward and Moving up
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 26th, 2017

Originally, this post was to be titled: "Raising Thighs and Waving Breasts" but then I chickened out and opted for a more neutral, if less evocative name. But before you click away in horror, I want to add that  this appellation was actually taken verbatim from a verse in yesterday's parsha- I promise! Chapter 10 verse 15... Ok, so if you went to look it up, you may have noticed that it technically refers to the anatomy of sacrificial animal …
More Attempts to Reduce Abuse this Summer
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 20th, 2019

Another Short but Critical Pre-camp Parental Safety Talk

By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT As we label the socks and pack up the duffels, we scan the emails about the “pre-camp safety talks” and try to arm our kids with a specific type of personal awareness. Our communities have, thankfully, been making progress in the area of educating children towards body boundaries, good vs inappropriate touch, reporting to safe adults, and ge …
It's all hevel... what?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …
Is p-rnography use considered cheating on a partner?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 5th, 2023

Is Using P-rnography Considered Cheating on a Partner?       Let’s consider this changed-to-protect-writer’s-identity question, as a springboard to address some issues that arise for couples around this subject:       “I recently found p-rnographic material downloaded on my husband’s laptop. I wasn’t looking for it; we just often use whichever laptop is around to check email …
Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 9th, 2019

An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …
Intimacy vs. Sex
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 6th, 2018

Intimacy vs. Sexual Activity By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The well-groomed young couple settled into the matching navy, velvet club chairs in my office, and glanced at one another. After a beat, the young woman turned to me, and gingerly proffered: “We’re here because we need to work on our intimacy.” “General intimacy, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy? Or all of the above?” I inquire. They look at each other, and …
"I'm Not Attracted to my Spouse"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 11th, 2019

“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse”   Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue: “My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s …
"I Was Molested by my Brother but Neither of Us Knew It"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 17th, 2021

Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse.   *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.*   “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …
"I Used to Rape My Wife
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 3rd, 2020

Gittel and Shuey have been married for almost 10 years. They get along fairly well, and are kept busy with their three little ones and their demanding jobs. They’ve come to discuss the ostensible problem of Gittel’s low libido.   “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong,” Shuey began. “I try different ways to give her pleasure, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to enjoy. Her body doesn&rsq …
I don't want to be a statistic!
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 21st, 2020

What’s the deal with humans as numbers? In my years at college and grad school, I was a pretty good student, but I did fail one course: statistics. (I passed it the second time around. My degrees are legit:) I didn’t fail because it was so hard (although it didn’t come naturally to my non-mathy brain.) I failed it because it was so dang boring to me, that I didn’t even put in the effort to learn it well enough. To this day …
I am a Jew, and Here Are My Plans for World Domination
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
July 19th, 2020

  Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are.   I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess.   Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor.   My own agenda for world domination begins with education. I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learni …
Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 31st, 2018

Humbled and Slightly Caffeinated Reflections of a Newly-Minted Writer by: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Hi, folks. I’m going to deviate from my usual blogging style in today’s post. I generally open with a hypothetical or well-disguised case, and use the story as a springboard to highlight a relevant point. But today, I’m going to address you, my readers, directly, and speak about myself, kind of from deep in my soul-ish. I’m so gra …
The Problem of Religious Sexuality Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 2nd, 2020

As many of you know, one of the most important aspects of the work we do with couples and individuals, is treating the results and consequences of poor sexual education, as they manifest in adulthood. I don't treat kids or teens, but I've always wished parents had better resources for educating children in ways that would reduce some of the problems I see in my practice. I've lectured here and there on this topic, but I really wanted to create a …
How to Run Family Meetings
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 22nd, 2020

Family Think Tank Meetings So we find ourselves suddenly spending more time at home with our families than we ever have before. Trying to juggle parenting, schooling, extra meal prep and housework, working from home, and managing the ever-changing health crisis, with little knowledge or preparation. As parents, we often feel like we need to have clear answers and a definite plan when we’re honestly all learning as we go along. One tool that …
"How Often Are You Supposed to 'Be Intimate'?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 2nd, 2020

Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …
How Do You Take Your Torah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 6th, 2019

  “I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the …
How Do I Get My Partner to Come to Therapy?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 12th, 2020

Do you want to work on your relationship in therapy, but have a partner who just doesn’t want to go? Well, you’re not alone. This is a super common and frustrating problem.   The bad news: You can’t generally “make” people want to go to therapy, and even if you technically get them in the door, it’s really, really, hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.   The good news: You may have …
"How Do I Forgive the Teacher Who Hurt My Child?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 17th, 2020

“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …
How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts About Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 25th, 2021

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions   A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …
Hey, Teachers- Your Students Have Issues...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 29th, 2019

A teacher in my neighborhood once called me to talk about some frustrating feedback she had gotten at work. Apparently, a parent had called the school to complain that this teacher had made a couple of comments that were insensitive to the fact that one student was going through an extenuatingly difficult life event. The teacher felt bad- she hadn’t realized this child was suffering. She told me that in trying to defend herself, she respond …
He was both happy and horrified
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 7th, 2023

*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead:       You know that feeling of scary relief?       Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident?       Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute?   …
Confronting Happiness-Anxiety
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2018

Have you ever found that happiness sometimes brings fear? That often when we find, receive, or achieve something good, it’s almost like: “Wait- this is too good to be true… when does the other shoe drop?” Or maybe a questioning of “Do I really deserve this? What did I have to forfeit in order to luck out like this?” I’ve always struggled to understand the notion of happiness.  I remember (probably) …
Hang in There Young Mamas- It Gets Easier
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 15th, 2019

“Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Just you wait!” warned the more experienced moms; their condescending tones wagging fingers of dread in my peaked, sleep-deprived face. Sheesh! I heard a lot of that when my children were young. Now, however, with the older ones launching and the youngest one already in middle school, and as someone who treats moms of all ages, I can confidently challenge that unintentionally obno …
Flavors of Forgiveness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 27th, 2017

Flavors of Forgiveness: What to Do When It’s not “All Good”
A Simple Thought from Elisheva Liss, LMFT Welcome to the season of begging forgiveness. We run around apologizing, trying to let go of past resentments and obtain pardons for our own transgressions. For many of us, much of the time, this can be a simple, annual interpersonal cleansing, an apology-acceptance social ritual. It can feel great to dissipate some of th …
Five (or Six) Stages of Corona-Grief
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 5th, 2020

The 5 (or 6) Stages of Corona- Grief: By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The famous “five stages of grief” were formulated and described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her books: On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving. The sixth was add by her colleague, David Kessler. Most experts agree that emotional experience is not uniform or linear, but highlighting some universal processes and what they feel like can be comforting and validating. I&rs …
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 13th, 2019

Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title   Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …
Fighting About Having a Baby
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 4th, 2021

It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise:   How do you decide when to start trying for a baby?       How many kids should we have?       When do we stop having ki …
Educational Psychology in Parshas Mishpatim
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 23rd, 2017

Leah [pseudonym] is a 21 year old assistant preschool teacher in a beis yaakov school and part time college student. Sweet, social, and sincere, she gets along well with her family, spends time daily with friends, dates regularly, and enjoys her work. But underneath her orthodontic smile, she's feeling personally under-stimulated. She describes a chronic lack of excitement, bordering on apathy, about her life, some of which she traces back to her …
Don't Worry About Your Kids "Falling Behind"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 29th, 2020

In the midst of all the other serious concerns of these Corona-days, we keep hearing from parents who are concerned about their kids “falling behind” in their schoolwork. This is sometimes fueled by (well-meaning but misguided) school-based educators, who are pressuring families to keep up with their modified “distance” version of classroom learning. For families who are doing well with that- remember to thank your teacher …
"Don't even TOUCH it-" How making fake rules can lead to disaster: A Chinuch Message
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
Does my anxiety mean I Lack Emunah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 24th, 2018

“Does My Anxiety Mean I Lack Emunah?” By: Elisheva Liss Tzivi is a deeply devout 24 year old mother and wife. She prays twice daily, while raising her toddler and baby, and working 30 hours a week, while her husband pursues Rabbinical studies in Yeshiva. She has suffered from an anxiety disorder since middle school, but you would never know it to speak to her; she presents as calm, soft-spoken, and content. In therapy, she describes w …
"Do You Ever Just Cuddle?" A Powerful Tip for Marital Inimacy Improvement
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 14th, 2019

“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?”   Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration: “I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s …
Distance Learning During Coronavirus Crisis
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
March 23rd, 2020

I've been hearing from clients, colleagues, friends, and readers who are parents, and also from teachers, that they are struggling with the current schooling situation. With the new obligation to not only have kids around always, and enforce new strict health and distancing measures, but also comply with schools' attempts to translate classroom into distance learning. (It's not going great.)   As a homeschooling family for several years, thi …
Defunding the Police with Korach
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 25th, 2020

When Korach Tried to Defund the Police As a kid, I remember secretly identifying with Korach’s thinking. Didn’t he just want equality? A place at the table? Was that so bad? Who decides who gets to be in charge? Why can’t there be committees and dialogue about roles? Even to this day, there is a part of me that bucks against authority, rules, and structured hierarchy. In middle school, we once had one of those situations where …
Dealing with Overwhelm Right Now
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 9th, 2020

It’s September/ Elul, and children everywhere are yanking out their uniforms, knapsacks, paperwork, and supplies, packing up lunches and snacks, and getting ready to rejoin the classroom scene. Hustling out to the bus stop, or listening out for the carpool honk, or hopping on bikes, rushing to be on time for the morning bell. “Bye! Love you- have a great day; learn well!” (One of my favorite aspects of homeschooling is no longer …
Could we please stop telling girls that marrying a Yeshiva guy is the only way to get a good husband?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 26th, 2018

Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband?   This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*: Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands. They also cannot guarantee good husbands. Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student. Not every …
Consent for Touch- Even With a Spouse
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 12th, 2019

You know that feeling where you finish a conversation, and then a little later, mentally review it and wish you could go back and change your answer? I had one of those., recently. I was speaking at an event where the audience was invited to submit anonymous questions. One of the questions that was written in was one I’d heard before: “I would like to observe the niddah laws the way I was taught them- not touching at all during the ni …
Embarrasing Confessions of an Almost Author
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 27th, 2018

Yesterday, I was supposed to be correcting the formatting work for the manuscript of my first and upcoming book. But I got bored, and instead started journaling about how nervous I feel about publishing it. Using my well-established, questionable judgement, I opted to share this "rant" on my facebook page.. not exactly sure why, I guess because interacting with facebook friends is also way more fun than tedious paperwork. And I was also hoping …
Choosing a Career: (Including My Own Story of How I Became a Therapist)
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 2nd, 2019

  By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT In some ways, choosing a career path can be more confusing and overwhelming than ever before in human history. There are more options and access, and ever-evolving specialties, and subspecialties. But those options and the programs that train for them, are rapidly changing, often rendering previously secure and lucrative jobs obsolete, replaced by software, or outsourced to underpaid workers overseas. There is a col …
Child Sexual Safety Education Awareness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
April 15th, 2021

Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
Calling New Private Practice Therapists and Hopefuls
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 29th, 2019

Therapists: This One’s For You… Are you a therapist who is hoping or trying to build a private practice? Therapists tend to be people who deeply want to help others. It’s literally called a “helping profession.” It’s a way to make a living while making a difference. And while most of us choose this line of work for primarily idealistic reasons, it’s not easy work. It’s gratifying, but often drainin …
Broken Tablets, Broken Hearts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
June 27th, 2021

  A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
Better Prep for Wedding Night and Beyond
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 9th, 2020

More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy: Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so cult …
Ballad of the Secretly Burnt Out Kollel Wife
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
September 18th, 2019

“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.” “I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.” “This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.” “As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.” “It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a ch …
Assessing Your Relationship
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
February 9th, 2017

On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and deman …
Are You Starting to Lose it?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 14th, 2020

Are you struggling to maintain your sense of equilibrium while trying to navigate all the new demands and realities of the COVID19 crisis? Many people seem to be reporting a variety of challenges, so if you are, you’re very much not alone. Therapists are trying to share whatever knowledge we have about encouraging people to especially attend to our personal needs and psychological well-being. Taking care of yourself is a worthy goal in its …
Anxiety and Elul
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
August 29th, 2022

Elul Anxiety Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms: “I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.” One of the tools Tami learned in terms o …
An Intimacy Dilemma
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
      The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:       Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?       Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.       Her: Fo …
"Am I Normal?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:   Am I normal?   And it shows up in a variety of permutations:   Is this normal?   My history?   My family?   My thoughts, feelings, relationships?   And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:   “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
Am I a Bais Yaakov Lesbian?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
December 13th, 2022

Am I a Bais Yaakov lesbian? Chani was 20 years old when she presented for therapy. The official referral was “anxiety about dating,” but when she began to share, it was more complex and specific than that: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have one friend who knows, because it involves her too. I am anxious about starting to date- that’s true. But it’s not just regular nervous. I know this might sound …
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