Author: Mordechai Rhine, Rabbi, Mediator

September 16th, 2024

A happy marriage, like any relationship, can only endure if we get good at apologies. It is critical to both be able to give and to receive an apology. Interestingly, when Dr. Gary Chapman studied couples, he found that there are five different apology languages. That is, five different styles of expressing, “I have done wrong to you, please forgive me.” It is important to pay attention to what style resonates with you and what style …
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Author: Elan Javanfard, L.M.F.T.

September 13th, 2024

In Parshat Ki Teitzei we encounter various laws and ethical guidelines that address our responsibilities towards others. In the second perek of the parsha Moshe Rabeynu expresses, “lo-tireh et-shor aḥícha o et-seyo niddaḥím vehit'allamta mehem hashev teshívem leaḥícha” – “If you see your fellow Israelite’s ox or sheep gone astray, do not ignore it; you must take it back to your peer& …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 16th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses various forms of overcharging and undercharging, and thresholds that would invalidate the sale. The Chofetz Chaim in Laws of Rechilus (9) discusses conditions under which it would be permitted to alert a purchaser who might have been taken advantage of by an unscrupulous merchant. One of the key criteria is that the disparaging information should serve a constructive and concrete purpose. Therefore, it would neve …
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Author: Mordechai Rhine, Rabbi, Mediator

September 9th, 2024

One of the most common pieces of marriage advice is that marriage requires compromise. Simply put, compromise means that you won’t get everything you want. For example, you might be a saver and your spouse a spender. You wish to put a lot into savings each month, and your spouse would rather spend and live in the present. So, you might compromise as to how much money to put into savings or retirement each month, saving a lesser amount that …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 14-year-old daughter is a kind soul. She is always nice to everyone and has many friends. She approached my husband and me recently and said she realizes that there is a friend of hers who is not a good influence on her and she doesn't think she should be spending time with her. I think her concerns are valid. She asked us for guidance about how to go about distancing herself from the relationship. Our daughter is not really th …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I am 27 years old and have been having a hard time choosing a job and career. I tried some jobs but found them boring because I really wasn't given anything to do.  I also can't tell if I just haven't found the right job for me or I just didn't really get good opportunities. How can I figure out what I would be most interested in and what I would be best at? What is best approach to this? Is there a test or evaluation that yo …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My brother has never really been that socially savvy. He has no official diagnosis as far as I know of but he has struggled in the past socially a bit. He recently got engaged and I am a bit nervous about how he will do in marriage. What would be the best way to prevent any issues and deal with them before they become a real problem? Is there any type of premarriage counseling or guidance that you recommend? Even a book that you t …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 7th grade daughter is in sleepaway camp for the first time and is very homesick. Do you think it is better to try and talk to her by phone every day and send her packages etc.? Or is it better to just leave it and let her figure it out. Does calling her more than once a week actually make it worse or is this a good way to support her? What other recommendations would you have for dealing with homesickness? Thank you for yo …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My son is scheduled to go to Eretz Yisroel to learn next year. He had a difficult high school experience but has grown tremendously over the last 2 years. The yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel is a great opportunity for him to keep growing. He is, however, extremely nervous about the whole security situation. As I write this, Haniyeh ym"s was just killed and things again look like they could escalate. It's always back a …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have some trouble making decisions. I am not really talking about big decisions like getting married or what yeshiva to send my kids to. I actually do ok with that. It is the smaller things like where to go for Shabbos and what suit to buy and things like that which take up way too much time in my life and occupy my thoughts too much. I just go back and forth and back and forth, and it can be almost comical. It can wind up being …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 15th, 2024

Our Gemara on amud aleph discusses the conundrum of declaring bikkurim and reciting the appropriate ritual, even if those particular offerings may not actually be first fruits:   What is objectionable about reciting verses from the Torah even if they aren’t bikkurim? Rav Ashi said to him: The problem is due to the fact that this practice has the appearance of falsehood, because he issues a declaration before God that is possibly untrue …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 13th, 2024

Our Gemara on amud beis reports that one sage rebuked another for asking him a question about a subject that he was not familiar with, as this causes unnecessary embarrassment. Rambam (Laws of Sales14:14) codifies this as a form of ona’as devarim hurtful speech. Magid Mishna (ibid) refers to our Gemara as the source. Sefer Chassidim (972) takes this moral sensitivity even further: If someone knows himself to be renowned as sharp-minded, he …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 13th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the sale of pigeons produced from a dove coop: The buyer must leave the first pair of doves from the brood for the seller. The reason that an extra pair of doves must be left behind is to ensure that the first brood will not fly away. The Gemara also rules that the buyer must also leave a second pair from the brood of the children. The Gemara questions this logic: If the reason is that she is attached to her dau …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 12th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph uses a play on words from a verse (Numbers 21:30) to describe the fate of the sinner who denies that God will hold him accountable: ונשים עד־נפח אשר עד־מידבא  We have wrought desolation at Nophah, which is by Medva The name of this place, Medva, also is a pun indicating that God will eventually bring justice and “do as He pleases.” (“Ad De-Baiy”, in Aramaic means “w …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 11th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph describes a certain saddle used for women, known as a Kumni, which presumably functioned in a manner that allowed a woman to ride side-saddle and more modestly.  This brings to mind the famous Rashi (Shemos 28:4) that describes the form of the Ephod. The Ephod was one of the garments that the high priest wore, composed of cloth and had the breastplate attached to it. Apparently, there is no explicit teaching about wh …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 10th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis rules that ein matbeya nikneh be-chalifin coinage cannot be acquired via chalifin (a legal symbol exchange of a minor object, that in Jewish law, affirms an agreement or acquisition of property or goods.) We can intuitively understand why this might be so. Money is symbolic, especially paper money, as it has no intrinsic worth. In ancient times, when a precious metal was used, there was some actual value to the coin, based …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 9th, 2024

There are certain conventions in the Talmud that are difficult for the new learner to comprehend. Frankly, they would be difficult for many seasoned lamdanim as well, but after years and years of seeing the same phrase being used, I suspect that some have ceased to become curious or troubled by it. Yet, I am unsure if they became particularly wiser as to what it means and how it works – just more accepting of it. One of the most troubling c …
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Author: Elan Javanfard, L.M.F.T.

September 6th, 2024

In Parshat Shoftim we learn about the establishment of a just society, through the appointment of judges and officers. While the Torah discusses the importance of impartial judgment in legal matters, it also subtly emphasizes the value of judging ourselves and others favorably on a psychological and interpersonal level. It is fitting that my Bar Mitzvah Parasha, which always falls around my birthday of Rosh Chodesh Elul, deals with judgement. No …
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Author: Mordechai Rhine, Rabbi, Mediator

September 1st, 2024

Compliments lubricate the marriage. If there are compliments flowing regularly between husband and wife, then the touchy situations that come up are just a little bit less squeaky and far more manageable.  In my marriage mediation practice I find that some people have trouble giving compliments because things aren't so perfect, and others have trouble receiving compliments, often because they don’t realize how important compliments are …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 8th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph teaches us about the end times:   וְאָמַר רַבָּה אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: עָתִיד הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לַעֲשׂוֹת סוּכָּה לַצַּדִּיקִים מֵעוֹרוֹ שֶׁל לִוְיָתָן,    And Rabba says that Rabbi Yoḥanan says: In the future, the Holy One, Blessed be He, will prepare a sukka for the righteous from the sk …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 6th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph describes the visions of Rabbah Bar Hanna. In one of them he sees Mount Sinai and scorpions were encircling it. He heard a Divine Voice saying: Woe is Me that I took an oath; and now that I took the oath, who will nullify it for me? When he reported this vision to the sages, they rebuked him: You should have said to God: Your oath is nullified. The Gemara explains: Rabba bar bar Ḥana did not nullify the oath because he …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 5th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph delineates the parts of a boat that are included, and those not included in a sale. One part is the anchor, in Hebrew the word is igun. The Mishna gives a proof text from what Na’ami told Rus and Arpah, to discourage them from a quixotic return with her. She says (Rus 1:13): הלהן תשברנה עד אשר יגדלו הלהן תעגנה לבלתי היות לאיש  [Even if I had children in old age] should …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 5th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph continues the sugya of ayin yaffa, that certain sales and/or gifts are done with a generous spirit which implies that certain extras may be included in the sale or gift. As we have seen in other blogposts, the idea of a gift of being given generously with extras also applies to spiritual gifts. Siach Sarfei Kodesh (Erev Shabbos Kodesh) uses this principal to explain an unusual phrase in the Shabbos morning Amidah. We say: …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 4th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph continues the sugya of ayin yaffa, that certain sales and/or gifts are done with a generous spirit which implies that certain extras may be included in the sale or gift. As we have seen in other blogposts, the idea of a gift of being given generously with extras also applies to spiritual gifts.   Siach Sarfei Kodesh (Erev Shabbos Kodesh) uses this principal to explain an unusual phrase in the Shabbos morning Amidah. …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 3rd, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis describes a legal loophole, that allows for something akin to charging interest, which is normally forbidden. It is the framework on which modern day heterei iskas are formulated. Without going into the legal technicalities, we must ask ourselves is it moral to take advantage of a loophole. But in order to answer that, we must ask ourselves what is the function of a loophole.   Law is confining and constricting. It do …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 2nd, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis offers a proof text for the concept of field boundaries within a sale  from the biblical story of Avraham’s purchase of the Ma’aras Hamachpela cave from Efron (Bereishis 23:17). וַיָּ֣קׇם  שְׂדֵ֣ה עֶפְר֗וֹן אֲשֶׁר֙ בַּמַּכְפֵּלָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֖ר לִפְנֵ֣י מַמְרֵ֑א הַשָּׂדֶה֙ וְהַמְּעָרָ֣ה אֲשֶׁר־בּ֔וֹ ו …
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Author: Elan Javanfard, L.M.F.T.

August 30th, 2024

In Parshat Re'eh, we encounter a powerful lesson about the choices we make and their consequences. The Torah highlights the importance of choosing to adhere to Hashem’s commandments and the potential pitfalls that come with straying from the right path. This choice reflects the psychological concept of self-sabotage, where individuals may unconsciously undermine their own well-being or success.   The Parasha starts out by saying,  …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

September 1st, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis quotes a verse in Iyov to prove the definition of a particular word known as “Shelachim”, which seems to be certain kinds of fields irrigated by water.   Who gives rain upon the earth and sends [sholeaḥ] waters upon the fields” (Job 5:10)   The Gemara (Ta’anis 10a) uses the same verse to draw a distinction between how the land of Israel is supported by rain versus other lands:   Ere …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 30th, 2024

Our Gemara on on Amud Aleph discusses circumstances, under which an act to  signify acquisition and legal title of one field that is being sold automatically enacts an acquisition of other fields within the sale as well.   If one sold another ten fields in ten different regions, all in a single bill of sale, once he takes possession of one of them, he has acquired them all; and the two cases seem to be analogous.    The Gemara …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 30th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph quotes a series of verses that describe the unfortunate and complex situation of Yonasan, who due to the deprivations of battle, was starving and took a taste from honey he had found in the forest. Unbeknownst to him, his father King Shaul, had decreed a Fast upon the troops so that they repent and merit divine assistance. Effectively, he had violated his command and was subject to the death penalty. King Shaul, under tre …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 29th, 2024

 In continuing the sugya of ayin yaffa, our daf discusses when a sale is made with a generous attitude, which has implications regarding if one sells passage rights to get to the property, even if it may inconvenience the seller. Regardless, all opinions hold that a gift, as opposed to a sale, is granted with a generous attitude.   The Torah is described by the scripture as an acquisition but also a gift (Mishle 4:2):   כי לקח …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 28th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis continued the discussion of several dappim regarding the dispute between Rabbi Akiva and the Rabbis over the attitude of the seller. Is he generous of spirit (ayin yaffa) or more parsimonious attitude, with halachic outcomes that indicate which extras get sold along with the property.   Recognizing this pattern of behavior and emotion, Meshech Chochmah (Behar) explains this as the intention of the verses that introduc …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 27th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses that for a seller to imply that he is including all the underground cisterns and tunnels, he must say “from the depths of the Earth to the Height of the sky.” The English words for these boundaries do not capture the theological and contextual meaning of these words in Hebrew. The Hebrew word for “height of the sky” is rakia, and the Hebrew word for “depths of the Earth” is Teh …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 26th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph and Beis record halachic discussions and situations when the great Amora, Rav was presented with a challenge to his argument, it was met with silence on his part. Rashbam (“Umodeh”) notes that sometimes the silence is to be interpreted as tacit admission, and other times, it is interpreted as a response to a question that is lacking in sophistication. That is, when questioned by peers who are close to his leve …
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Author: Elan Javanfard, L.M.F.T.

August 22nd, 2024

In Parshat Eikev, we are taught a profound lesson on the importance of doing the little things, seen through the transformative impact that seemingly small actions can have on our lives and the lives of others. The opening passuk of Eikev states, "And it shall be, because you will heed these ordinances and keep and perform them, that Hashem, your God, will keep for you the covenant and the kindness that He swore to your forefathers" (Deuteronomy …
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Author: Mordechai Rhine, Rabbi, Mediator

August 18th, 2024

Several years ago, my brother bought us a wonderful “Uncle Gift,” a ping pong table. The children adored it and spent many fun hours with it. As time went on, we found a way to get even more fun from the game of ping pong. Instead of playing for points, we decided to simply play as if both players were on the same team, trying to keep the volley going as long as possible. What emerged, when we stopped playing for points, is that both …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 25th, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses various implied conditions and additions in the sale of property. Within that discussion Rashbam notes that one cannot use a price as indicator of how much or how few extras were included in the property, because we have a general principle that there’s no such thing as overcharging or undercharging when it comes to real estate. Unlike chattel, real estate varies in price greatly and what is considered over …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 23rd, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses various customs of abstention from demonstrations of joy, pleasure and material wealth in order to honor and internalize being contrite over our exile.   One of the challenges in our a time of relative prosperity is to honestly feel a sense of mourning and loss. We have to recall events from the Holocaust, or more recently October 7, and the general rise of antisemitism to arouse a mood of dread. It is impor …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 23rd, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph quotes verse in Koheles (4:12):    “A threefold twine does not quickly snap.”   The basic idea is that something threefold and intertwined has tensile strength that is beyond any single strand. There are numerous aggados that utilize this truth about material and physical properties and apply them to the spiritual. Our Gemara suggests that when there are three generations of Torah study in a fam …
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Author: Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, DHL, LCSW-R

August 22nd, 2024

Our Gemara on Amud Aleph uses an Aramaic idiom to describe slander and libel, “ochel kurtza”, for now we can translate it as “nibbling” a metaphor for gossip. This Aramaic idiom is used generally for any type of gossip, and often specifically in the Gemara, to the act of slandering the Jews to the secular government. Actually, the first use of this phrase can be found in Daniel (3:8), which speaks of the Jews being slander …
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